On Survivor Identity

 Survivor to me, means that you have gone through trauma, trials, tribulations- and you can look yourself in the mirror, and say that I survived that. I would not consider myself a survivor yet. I'm survive- ing. Um, I'm still in my process of healing. Even though a year seems like a long time, it's really not. I refuse to use the word victim, um, but I still feel that way because there are still things that I'm untangling, that she has done, or is currently doing. So I'm kind of still- still in it, um, but I expect that my story will change once- once I figure out a way to stop her attempts at- at hurting me.

On Sharing Their Story

I honestly, haven't truly shared my experience. I've shared incidences of my experience, but I've never shared my experience- other than to say, 'Yeah, she's nuts. This is what she did to me, and this is how I suffered'. But I never truly shared my experience outside of Willow groups, and the Willow counselor.

On Disenfranchised Grief

The fact that my abuser was another woman, I think is really hard for people, even people who understand abuse- been through abuse- supported someone through abuse- what have you. It is really, a hard concept. I was really good at hiding my abuse, and protecting my abuser from, um, being found out as being abusive. And, because no one saw anything, it has been a struggle for people to kind of believe it. Not that people are coming out and saying, 'Oh, you're lying'. But you know, the looks that people give me, the- the supportive comments that, 'Well, maybe if you don't think of it that way', you know, kind of thing- comments shows me that they don't understand.

I have one person in my life, which is my best friend, who truly understands. We jokingly call each other sisters. I- I'm an only child. She has siblings, but all of her siblings call me 'sister' or 'sis'. That's how close we are. She's the only one. But I'm not surprised, because of our closeness. There was things that I shielded from her. But for her, once I shared what was going on, it was more of like, the dots were being connected. Like, there were always holes in the stories for her, and she knew it. But once I finally came clean about- about what I was going through, I- she felt like she knew the whole story. She felt that she could support me, and she's been absolutely amazing at supporting me. Everybody else is always saying the same dumb things that just make you feel worse. She still doesn't know everything, but when I get, um, triggered, and it reminds me- whatever experience that I had is triggered- the memory of it, I'll share it with her. And she always says, 'I am so sorry that you went through that', just that. 'I am so sorry that you went through that'. No questioning. No, um, 'Well, why did you let that happen?', 'How could...', none of that- just, 'I am sorry that you went through that'.

On Grief

A lot of the abuse that I experienced was not physical. My abuser is a narcissist, suspected sociopath. So it was a lot of manipulation, a lot of maltreatment, a lot of emotional blackmail that happened. Within that, you know, the- the highs were really, really high. The- you know, the doting on me, the you know, making sure that I didn't have to worry about anything. And in- in a new light, I understand that that was part of the control. Because it wasn't, 'Oh, I'm going to take care of all of these things, because I care about you, and I want to help you'. It was, 'I want to take care of all these things, because I want to have control over you'. And, um, the grief is that, I'm a single Mom again, um, after almost eight years. Most of the kids are grown, thank God. But just, learning how to budget- just by myself, with just my income. All of the things that we had in our life, was based on a two income, you know, so I'm struggling and- and I'm really struggling financially. Not to mention, all of the financial abuse that I wasn't aware of, that she was doing behind my back- she being my- my ex.

And, you know, it's- it's tough to admit it, but she had manipulated herself into being my everything. I had no one else. I distanced from my family. I'm- I lost contact with friends. So there's grief with that, because I don't want to start a- you know, restart a friendship with all of this trauma, right. And I don't want to have to explain to you what happened. And I don't want to tell you why things are the way they are.

So there's been grief on multiple levels, and it's been grief for my kids. Because this was their other mom. And my older son, he's 24- he rarely comes out of his room, since we've left. You know, he doesn't interact with other people anymore. I can't make him go to therapy, but you know, I work in human services. I know what's going on over there. I know that he's- he's struggling, and that he's been struggling. And- and my daughter, she's just turned 15. So, all of her teenage emotions are out on her sleeve and she- you know, she has anxiety and, really bad anxiety, and her depression is worse. And, you know, for a while to get back at me, their other mom stopped communicating with them. Not even just saying, 'Hey, I don't want to talk to you', just completely ignoring them, you know. No calls on birthdays, nothing on Christmas- which was something that they weren't used to. So there's been grief, for all of us, of this loss. I know a lot of people- 'Eff- them. Forget them. I don't miss them'. But- but I have the- I guess, I have the introspection to know that there are pieces that I do miss of my ex. But also having the wherewithal to know that I miss the mask, or the impression of the person that she was- that is not a real person. So what I miss is a figment. Which is a whole nother ball of grief, and loss, is to- to come to terms with the fact that the person that I fell in love with, um, who I thought was the love of my life, was a lie. Was not a real person.

On The Story of Domestic Violence (Therapy)

We had a marriage counselor who actually ended our sessions. Because part of it was helping us navigate separating amicably. Um, and this therapist, in our last session- I'll never forget this, in our last session, she split us up. She called me in first, and she said, you know, 'Without doing, uh, an extensive evaluation, I can't 100 percent, for sure- for certain say that she is a sociopath, but I have never in my life experienced anyone as manipulative as she'.

And she was the one who said, 'Okay, so I-', she goes, 'Ethically, I can't keep seeing you guys, because every time she- you guys come in here, she's using the session to further abuse you mentally. I can't keep seeing you. But, what I'm going to do is, I want you to sit down with me, and create a safety plan'. Her and I thought it was- both of us thought that it was going to turn physical, because it had turned physical, um, a couple occasions before. So that's where we were. And, part of my safety plan was contacting Willow. Another part was going down to get a restraining order. And you know. Okay, so what the day that you're leaving- you know, how are you going to do this? How are you going to prepare? Um, and you know, she was definitely concerned for my safety.

On The Story of Domestic Violence (Legal System)

I'm trying to seek, you know, help with legal system. The legal system was turned against me, in a way that I would have never have imagined. I always felt that she didn't have a clear awareness of what she was doing was abusive. I read the paperwork that she filed against me, and it was a detailed account. It almost- looking at my restraining order on paperwork, and her restraining order paperwork, was almost so synonymous, it could have came from the same person. And I just couldn't believe that she was holding on to everything that she did to me, and could turn around, and go to a court and say, 'Nope, I'm the victim. I'm the victim- look at me. I'm the victim. She did it'. All because I said I wanted a separation. Just because I had decided to stand up, just because I said that I didn't want to be a part of her nonsense anymore. So the legal system was absolutely not helpful.

I couldn't get a legal- legal assistance because on paper I make a lot of money. But when you're in an abusive relationship for seven and a half years, and that person used a lot of financial abuse on you, and made sure that you never had any money- I don't have any money to pay for a lawyer. You know, I ended up suddenly homeless. I couldn't go to a shelter. Why? Cause you have a job, and you make too much money. So where the hell am I supposed to go? I spent my money going from hotel to hotel- Airbnbs.

I made the painful decision of giving my daughter- her father, temporary custody, because I couldn't. It wasn't fair to her to not know where she was going to sleep every night. I couldn't get any help. I was belly broke. Like, only thing I had was savings, and I was trying my damn best not to use that savings. But I burnt through it- trying to get away. I burnt through it. If you have a job and- and you make good money- forget that you need your money to survive- just like everybody else. You're expected- because you have a good job, you're expected to use that money to pay for your own lawyers, and attorneys, and legal fees. We're still legally married. I can't afford a divorce. I can't afford it. I can't pay for it on my own. I understand the reasonings behind why I can't get any help, because there's people who have less, financially, than I do. I totally get that. Totally respect that, but it doesn't make it easy, right?

On The Healing Journey

So, after the dust settled, right- and outside of the stress of trying to find some place for me and my children to live, I had like, a rush of joy- happiness- elation- because I was able to leave when I wanted to leave. Go where I wanted to go. Put on whatever outfit I wanted to put on. And I didn't have to worry about judgment- didn't care about judgment. I actually felt free.

It took me about three and a half- four months, to actually find some place to live. Um, I was, you know- towards the end of it, I had- I found an- uh, an Airbnb, of a retired woman. And she was so sweet, and I- something about her. I just told her, you know, 'I'm escaping domestic violence, I make too much money to- to get into a shelter or, you know, to get into a place with my daughter'. And I ended up staying- um, staying in one of her homes, for a month. I was elated, because I had a place that I knew where I was going to bed every night.

And then it wore off. And, the stress of navigating the court system to allow me to- to pack my belongings- I was given a day to pack my belongings and get all of my stuff out of the house. A day.

So, yeah, it's- it's been a- it's been a roller coaster. I'm just coming out of a pit because I- I found out she had withheld tax documents from me that was getting mailed to the house for me. We had a joint, tax debt that we were paying off, and they were coming in and out of my account and taking what I- you know, my half, and supposedly taking her half. Well, at some point she went in- she went in, onto the IRS system, and canceled it. And now they were in the process of levying my- my assets, right. And so I was- I'm still one foot in of despair, one foot out, but I was completely destroyed. I don't say 'boo' to this woman, I just want to live my life, and she will constantly find ways to hurt me.

And I started to feel hopeless. And I started to feel unsafe. My- my complex PTSD was triggered. I can't- couldn't. The last two nights- I'm going to knock on wood, last two nights I've actually slept. But I had gone a week, cause I couldn't sleep- nightmares. Nightmares, waking up in cold sweats, irritability. Um, for a week, my hands were shaking, and I couldn't- 'What's wrong?'- 'I don't know- I'm just so scared', you know. I was so stressed, and so anxious, that my muscles are so tight- that just walking through my house, I threw my back out. And I know that is not- this isn't the end. You know, I know- eventually, I would hope, either- I would hope she will lose steam at some point and just leave me alone. Find somebody else to screw with. I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.

But I know that this rollercoaster ride is not done. Me, being out of the house, and living my life, is not going to end it. I had gone months- months, just living- starting to come out of my shell again, starting to feel confident again. Then, all of a sudden it's like she has a sixth sense- 'Oh, she must be doing great. Okay, let's go and do this now', right. Like, it is- it is like a broken rollercoaster- a rickety, broken rollercoaster ride that you know, with some moments on it, you feel safe, and secure, and okay- and next moment, you're like, oh shit, is this thing gonna fall?'. That's kind of how the ride has been, and is, and probably will continue to be.

But, I have a- I have a- I'm developing a different mind frame around it. If I accept the fact that it's going to be a roller coaster, and that is it hasn't ended, I won't be caught off guard again. I have to prepare, because I honestly thought that it was over. I honestly thought that that part was over. But um, it's not. It's not. It's gonna be a long- you know, it takes time. It's gonna be a long road. But you know, I'm- I'm better equipped. I'm- I'm equipping my- my toolbox for myself and for my kids.

On Tools

So music is in my toolbox. Writing is in my toolbox. I've started going to the Willow support groups, um, through Zoom. When I was at my lowest, because of Juneteenth, there was no support group. That's when I really realized that, Oh shit, I need that. Because it was really hard for me, because I didn't have an outlet.

So Willow's in my toolbox. My therapist is in my toolbox. And as I'm navigating the new me, and figuring out, I'll continue with EMDR. There's a lot of stuff that I need to- to untangle. I'm also an extreme nerd. I just learn this form of ADHD that I have, whenever we hear something new, we have to know everything about it. So, um, I've done a lot of research- research. Reading, um, different books on narcissistic abuse, domestic violence, trauma, um, has been helpful to me. What else is in my toolbox? My best friend. She is my power tool. She moved out of state two years ago. I'm still mad at her at that because she moved, but even being far away, she is my power tool. She is the one that has always been there for me. That's my toolbox.

On Tools

Okay. So I am currently in the middle of What Happened To You? Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing by Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey. Um, that is very powerful. Not just with my domestic violence situation, but understanding, not only my process of- of trying to heal through trauma, but understanding others' processes. So, you know, how kids interpret it, and- and how, you know, loved ones interpret and deal with it. So that has, right- right now, that's like the top of my list. Um, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, that was very helpful. And Stop Walking on Eggshells was another one. I think those are the- the- as I'm looking at the- my book list, those were the most important ones for me.

For myself, that people pleasing behavior that stems from childhood trauma- always wanting to be everything for everybody else, except for yourself. This book helped me kind of get out of a lot of that. And it's, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. Um, he- he actually taught me that it- gave me permission to stop caring about everything. Like some things, I just don't care. And it- it seems kind of ironic, that here I am- an adult, who's been raising kids since 1994. I need permission to not- to not care anymore. I need someone- I needed someone in a book- some man, I don't even know, to tell me that it's okay, that I don't have to care- care about everything. Even when it comes to kids, I don't have to care about everything all of the time. My kids kind of hate it, probably. They don't know why there's been a change, but I'm certain that they probably hate it a little bit too- but it's okay, because I don't care. I use the spoon metaphor, I have 10 spoons in a day, and I get to decide what those spoons are. And sometimes it's kids- sometimes it's not. And it's okay, cause I only got 10 spoons.

On Affirmations

I'm just coming out of a low. And I'm just trying to think, how the hell did I get out of it? No one brought me out of it. I didn't- what was I telling myself? You know? Um, I think that whatever it is I tell myself, is just too quiet for me to hear because there are- there have been days that I have not wanted to get out of the bed. And it wasn't someone that said, 'Come on, you got to get up. You got to do this. You got to go to work', it wasn't that. It was something- it had to be me. It was only me in the room.

It is actually one of my personal pet peeves to hear, ' Oh, everything takes time'. But when someone's in emotional pain, reminding them that they're going to be in emotional pain for a lot longer, isn't very helpful. As much as hearing it, pisses me off- I really think that- that it's time. It's not just time though. It's time to go through it. You know, I mean- even before this relationship, um, I struggled with mental health issues, and depression, and anxiety- adult ADHD. And, you know, not running from it and learning.

I had a therapist once, who always said, 'You got to sit in it'. What the freak does that mean? Sit in what, I live it- like, what are you talking about? And I still don't quite get what 'sitting in it' means. Um, but I have to feel it. As horrible as the feelings are, I have to feel it. I have to acknowledge it. If I gotta write- write till my hand hurts, then I'll write it down.

If I gotta sit in my car, listening to the most God- awful metal, and things that you wouldn't expect me to listen to- then that's what I gotta do. That's what I gotta do. Essentially, it's a battle- as I'm preparing mentally and emotionally, preparing myself for to do battle.

On Reclaiming

My body. My body is a big one. I have seen it in movies, and maybe in like bad sitcoms or something, where I've heard a spouse say, 'You're just keeping me fat'. And I've been, ah, you know, whatever. That is actually a thing. I have lost over 30 pounds, just being me. I have- I'm not on weight watches, I don't eat no different, I don't have time for exercise, I'm just being me. And I was so heavy in that relationship.

I know part of it was cortisol. I was so sick in that relationship. I had all kinds of health issues that just came out the woodwork. Like, I was kind- I got COVID every Christmas since COVID been out. The first Christmas that I didn't have COVID, I wasn't with her. Like the- the- the cortisol, the stress really does impact your- your immune system and your body.

So reclaiming my body and feeling comfortable again, in my skin. I- I know that I'm an attractive woman. I know that. I know that. I- I- I'm saying it again, because I know that, but don't. But I know that- but I'm not comfortable being attractive. I used to be, um, when I was younger. As I got older, and especially throughout this relationship, I was criticized so much, that I don't like compliments because I feel like people are staring at my body, and I don't like that. I feel too seen, if that makes any sense. And for an attractive person to not want to be seen, kind of seems like an oxymoron. So it's one of those things that I feel like I need to reclaim, um, is my body. And- and- and my beauty. But actually feeling attractive. Actually being able to accept compliments. Now I accept them on the outside, but I'm- you know, there's a little version of me in my brain, running back and forth screaming, with their hands in the air 'Ahh, Oh my god, Oh my god!'

Words to Self

 Some of the things that I wish that I heard was that, it's not your fault. Another one is, there was nothing that you could have done differently and there's nothing that you can do. You are enough.

I mean, I've had toxic relationships before, but nothing like this. And I always felt like I wasn't enough. Because no matter what I did- no matter what I did, it was always something else. And then I would do the something else, and then it was something else. Right. And it just never- it was- it just never ended. So, I think the most powerful is that I am enough. Maybe not enough for her, I don't think Jesus is enough for her- but I am enough for me, and for the people who truly love me and appreciate me. I am enough. I struggle with that, and it's not just a situation. I struggled with that all of my life, of feeling like I was enough. Yeah, when we live in a society where everybody's blaming someone else and no one's looking in the mirror, it's really easy to feel like you're the problem. It's really easy to feel like you're the problem. But, even if you may be problematic, you're not responsible. I'm not responsible for anything that she did.

From Where I Speak

I speak as someone who has a master's degree in business. I speak as someone who identifies as queer. I speak as someone who is a mother, to not only their own children- to bonus children that I've gathered along the way. I speak as a teacher, and a leader. I speak as a sister.

I speak for myself. I speak for my daughter. I speak for my sons. I speak as a daughter. I speak for myself. I have to say that a few times, because it's that important. I speak for myself. I speak for myself.

Words of Care

One thing that I would tell someone who's healing from abuse is that your love includes yourself. You have to love yourself more. You can love your children, you can even love your abuser, but you got to love yourself more. It all culminates to that. Loving yourself more. You can't be anything for anybody else until you're everything for yourself. That's what I would tell them.

Words of Care for Queer Survivors

I would say that the stigma around it is not their problem. They deserve help. They deserve empathy. They deserve to be free. They deserve to be safe. They deserve to move on. Who your abuser is- what gender they are- doesn't matter. It doesn't take from their God given right, not a right as an American, or as a citizen- no, they're God given right to be happy. Anybody who doesn't understand, anybody who stigmatized them because of it- that's the other person's problem. It doesn't take away from the fact that they deserve happiness, safety, love, care, empathy. It doesn't matter.