On Survivor Identity

​ I like the word survivor. If I see someone else in like, a same kind of story, or anything that they've overcome, I always call them like, a warrior woman. So I look at 'survivor' and 'warrior' kind of at the same way. I think 'survivor' allows you to be like, that fragile kind of like, I'm still healing. I survived this experience- this, you know, outcome of however you got out of it on the other side. And then, you know, what- what loss was there to get out of that, and be the survivor. So, I think for a while I was like that survivor, to then where I learned; then I would use the word 'warrior woman' where I was like, okay, I'm- I survived and now I have to figure out how to become me again. And I have to figure out how to live life differently.

So for me, I was a cheerleader, a dancer. And my whole life, and my future included that. And I identified as that. And everything I did was active, and was dance or cheer or physical. And then, you know, I almost lost my leg, and it was like, well, who am I now?

So that, I think, made me have to work even harder to learn who I was again, in that survivor. And then, almost to like warrior through it. You survive- you are a survivor because you get to tell your story. And then you warrior through that survival. To then keep going, even when you think like, you know, it's not worth it. Or when you let that voice of them in your head, that like, made you think you were worthless or not, you know, not worthy of surviving- like, you have to warrior through that.

On Disenfranchised Grief

I think I can put this into perspective with just the physical, like, pain I have still. You know, that I will always have, because, you know, I'm- I'm legally disabled. I almost lost my leg, and instead of losing my leg, I lost like, main arteries and my leg laterally, so a lot of muscle and skin, and I lost two arteries below my knee, and my ankle was shattered, and my fibula was shattered, and... So, as much as I've always looked at that as like, my daily reminder, so I never forget, so that my story is always powerful, that when I go and share it, I'm always reminded of that. It allows me to never forget that.

But at the same time, because it's so many years later- and I'm just going to use this example with my husband this past weekend when I didn't feel good- he's like, 'Well, how did you feel good later in the day and not earlier in the day?' And- and the exhaustion from healing, whether it's physical, emotional, mental- is tiring. And- and I think that's what people don't understand; is that, the energy needed to overcome, no matter what's holding you back that day, is more than I think people can grasp, if they haven't understood what that feels like.

 Like depression, right? What it takes for someone to overcome the depression and to get out of bed. It's like that with trauma, always. And that's all I did yesterday. Like, my body hurt really bad when I woke up yesterday. And I don't take any medicine, like no drugs, right, and so I have to just sit there. And then eventually, I felt a little better. But it was almost like I soaked- I like almost sunk into the couch, and let the pain go into the couch. And then eventually I felt better. And then eventually, I moved, and I worked out, and I got moving. But from how I felt in the morning, to how I felt later in the day- I don't think people understand how that can change. And that's the same thing with, I think, grief and to know that like, any time, it can hit.

So for example, my friend's wedding's coming up. And I can't wear shoes like that, with dresses. It'll always be a thing that reminds me that I can't go buy those cute heels. And no matter what, no heel allowed at all. I can't walk in them. Maybe sandals, yes. But then, is the outcome worth it, that I didn't wear my sneakers the whole day because maybe now I'm going to not walk as good the rest of the days. And I've always thought about how I can like, turn this into such a bigger metaphor because it's- it seems so trivial. But it's something that, as a woman, to not be able to wear the heels- I try never to shoe shop by myself. I need emotional support when I shoe shop, because again, I'm frustrated with the shoes, but the shoes trigger the grief. And that's grief that we hold it in, we don't share it. Cause it's hard to get other people to understand what that grief is.

And it's just those little things that were lost and- and for so long I had to wear an ankle brace. And that was always like, him on my ankle every day. And I still have to put on the pressure stocking, but it's not as much as the ankle brace. It was like tying- I just always looked at this as like, when I could get rid of the ankle brace, it was like freeing him from my life. But it was like, he was still there every day until I was free of it.

It's like all these little symbolic things have had to make me warrior through that grief of all that I lost. Sometimes, I see joy in people, and smiles, even in my daughter and- and then like, feel empty. And then like, feel guilty that I would feel like, why don't I, you know, what- what is making me feel sad right now. But I think it's that I see her running around and doing these things, that is amazing because she is whole. I was able to make whole children, but I'm not whole. And no matter what, I think that is something that, as much as I've dealt with it, I think that grief will always linger there just a little bit because I have that daily reminder. But at the same time, I know that that daily reminder is what allows me to continue to share the story in an impactful way, so that I never forget.

And I think that those are all the different layers of like, that onion. Like, where the grief can layer in all those different ways. That is um, what people that have never experienced a level of grief that is something within them that they've lost, versus losing someone they love. I think those griefs are completely different.

On The Story of Domestic Violence

So, I always remember wondering what I did to deserve this. I remember, you know, I was 14 and 15 and 16 years old, and he was out of control. He- he just did things that I- I just remember being so like, shocked by. Or just like, is this real? Is this my life? And then, I feel like I would talk to God and be like, 'What did I- what did I do? What did I do to deserve this? Like, why me? Like, please help me get out of this'. But on my own. No one could help me, even then, you know, I- I was so ashamed. I felt like I would let my family down, so I think- we think we have to solve it on our own. We have to not ask for help, because we're supposed to be strong and powerful on our own- at- at 14, at this young age. And that we don't want to let our parents down, and that we're afraid.

And I know I was insecure, and I was you know, a normal teenager that is insecure, and felt like I needed to fit in and, you know, wanted to be cool. And he had a car, and all those things seemed good. But right away, he like, made out with me, and left hickies all over my neck. And then I had to go to cheer practice like that. But, that was his way of showing he owned me, and that I couldn't stop him from doing these things. And that, it was his control. And that, everything he did in the beginning, was to show his control, or to test the ability of how he could control me.

And he did it in the beginning with, like, 'Please don't leave me, I'm sorry, forgive me' presents. Never 'I love you' presents. Never 'I just wanted to buy you this'- nope. They always were, 'I'm so sorry, I did this, forgive me, don't leave me' presents. So, break up with me, and then go- want to go back right out with me. And 'Sorry'. And like, to test how much I would put up. And I can remember this, I still have the cards- he would write these cards, and do these weird things, and they were all just like, these tests to see like, Okay, how much, how invested is she? How much is she willing to put up with? And then eventually, I just expected this to be what my life was. That every day, I would do my best to keep busy, not be around him, work as much as possible, be at practice, be around people so he couldn't hurt me. And that was like my self preservation, for probably a long time.

And no one knew what to do. I mean, at some point, he got out of control, and left bruises on my arms. And my mom called the cops, and had a, you know, report, but no true restraining order. Obviously, I wasn't going to say that I needed one. And told the school not to let him talk to me. And eventually I was able to, you know, tell him that was not true, and that I could talk to him again.

So, you know, the stories that were told to my mom and dad after, like, 'Oh, yeah, I saw him do this to her', like, no one- no one said anything. And I also, on the other side, needed a lot of help after, to unlearn those behaviors. Because that's how I learned how to be in a relationship. I needed to break something. I needed to throw something. I needed some kind of immediate reaction, because that was the only way I could get him to stop doing something. Already, he cut me, I ended up bleeding, then he finally stopped. Now I need help, now I need to stop bleeding. Or one day, punch my windshield- he broke my windshield, like a gorilla on top of my car- broke my windshield. Then he was sorry. And now, he had to fix it because now it was going to be shown that he had- he had done something, that couldn't be hidden. Because so much of what he did could be hidden. And no one could see, because it was all mental, and emotional, or in a way where you couldn't see the damage.

And he was really good at it. He was really, really good at making sure no one could really see what was going on. And my sister would tell you, she listened to us fight for hours every night- hours on the phone. And you know, as I tried to get away from him, leading up to this accident, that's- that's what happened. Was, the more I tried to get away from him, the more he stalked me, the more he followed me, the more he waited for me to get out of work. The more he didn't want me to go hang out with my friends, you know. And then sometimes he would let me go- let me go hang out with my friends, as if he didn't fight me on it. And then he would show up and ruin the night anyways. And act crazy.

And it wasn't until later on where, you know, I finally- I was able to drive, and I was, you know- I'd just turned 17, and I was done. I just- I didn't- I couldn't do it anymore. I was just completely tired of fighting all the time, and making excuses for it, and trying to explain to other people, like, it was fine- 'It's okay. I'm okay'. And it's- it's- it's sometimes unreal looking back that- that is what really happened. As if it was just this story, or this movie. That there's no possible way I lived this life for two and a half years, and then somehow made it seem to everyone like it was fine. And that I was okay and...

And, you know, like 23 years later, I'm really still not okay. In a way, I'm here. And I'm doing all these things, but he- he took all the things I loved away from me. That I had to fight, and work so hard to get back- but never could fully get back. And, one of the doctors always said that there was- I was destined for greatness, because there's no way I should be here. There's no way I should be alive. I should have never survived that night.

Somehow, miraculously, the car in the tree pinched my femoral artery and stopped me from bleeding out. And he was gonna try and pull me out of that car, to cover up what he had done. And I- you know what, that's what I title my presentation. I call it, No More Excuses, You Can't Cover This Up. It had to be the accident. It had to be so bad that he couldn't cover it up. Because everything else was- seemed easy to cover up, easy to lie, easy to make it seem like it was okay. It had to be this big to get away. And it had to keep me in the hospital for a while, to have me not go run right back to him.

I always say that- if I wasn't hurt, if I was able to walk, and now- now all of a sudden, my whole life became, 'Would I keep my legs and walk again?', from just surviving this crazy relationship. In a second, my life changed like that. All because of him. I would have just ran right back to him because that's all I knew how to do. And that's what he trained me to do. I think that's really important, what I just said. That's sick. But that's what he trained me to do. He trained me to come back to him every time, no matter what he did.

On Support

So my mom tried to take me to, I think, Catholic Family Services- it used to be called Alternatives for Battered Women, before it became Willow- and she would take me to those places, and I just would lie. And I remember them like, showing me the cycle of abuse, and telling me all these things, and... And I think, from that perspective, it wasn't in the teenage view, right? So I think someone was trying to help me from an adult view, and that, I didn't relate with it. It wasn't that, you know, he was trying to control what I was wearing, and control who I was hanging out with, and taking me away from cheer, and dance, and trying to spend all my money- those things I can relate with, as a teenager. And I don't think we talked about those things. Those are the teenage signs.

Also, um, like domestic violence- but I think the word 'domestic violence' takes away from teenage dating violence, and just in general, an unhealthy relationship, and, at a young age. And I think it allows someone to say like, 'Well, that's not me. I'm not in that domestic relationship issue. I'm in this teen issue'. You know, even though all my friends all knew how bad it was, I don't think I ever once told them how bad it was. Because then I'd have to admit to myself. So there it is- it's okay to admit to yourself that you need help and that this is happening and that you don't deserve to have that happen to you anymore and that you can change it. And it's hard, but it's worth it.

On Sharing Their Story

I always thought that I had to help myself, which I think comes from that thinking no one will understand you, or no one can relate to you when you're in that situation. And I think that was a lingering kind of like- a space I lived in for a long time, that no one can help me. And so I wasn't- I wouldn't go to therapy, and I didn't go until 2013. So my accident happened in '01, I didn't go to therapy for 12 years. So I did a lot of self medicating therapy for a long time. And distraction therapy, right. But telling my story, but not the full story- the safe story. Like, my one therapist always used to tell me like, 'You have to tell the full story. Don't tell the safe story. Tell the full story'. But I wasn't- I couldn't yet. Like I couldn't admit certain things, or I couldn't say them out loud, because then I was saying and accepting that they were real.

Accepting all the different layers of abuse has always been difficult for me. I would never talk about sexual abuse in the beginning. And now I'll talk about it a lot more. Um, it's still the most difficult part that I- I still think I've skirted around in therapy to actually fully deal with. Just because it is so difficult to even think about what- just like, what he did, or how he was, and how weird he was, and uncomfortable. And just not- not normal, or what you learn to be caring, loving, passionate interactions.

Every time I tell my story, I tell it a little different. The older I get, the more, I think, insightful I can be. I also try and add a lot more that's not just the traumatic part about it. I always look back on this time I spoke at Nazareth, and I always wonder, like, maybe I should have, I think I focused so much on the pain and the trauma and not enough on the overcoming and the healing and the surviving that- I mean, I'm sure they all left there like, impa- like, impacted. But I don't know if they left there feeling empowered.

And now, I think when I tell my story, I want people to feel empowered that they can be in control. And that is what I hope and pray when I tell my story, that that is what empowers someone to never let them do that. And to know that you're worth more, and that love doesn't- love is not that. And that you don't need to be loved that way. And when someone says they love you that way- that's not love. I can always see someone relate to me, when I can see the tearing up, that they feel heard, and understood, and not alone. I think that's something that is- that's priceless, right. That's why it's so important to tell your story. Because you do feel alone, right.

And, I think this is a really important part of my story, that I had did not stop abusing medicine and drugs until 2003. When I got pregnant. So from 2001 to 2014, I never allowed myself to have to deal with all of it. I used meds to give me that warm feeling of happiness every so often, whenever I needed it. Every day, that's how I woke up. That's how I got through the day. That's how I got through work. That's how I got through school. Even though I, you know, like, was successfully living, successfully working and taking care of myself, and paying my own bills, and driving, and doing all those things, and graduating and getting my degrees- finally, like over time- but I still never stopped taking all of my meds like that, until I wanted to get pregnant. And that was it. I never took meds again in February 2014. And so, every so often I just know that like, Oh, if only I could take some meds, right. But I know that's not the answer. And, I think I struggle a lot since I've had my daughter with what- well, would meds just help me feel a little bit better right now?

When I used to speak, I didn't necessarily talk about like, all the- uh, like, the- the medicine and everything. I didn't talk about that. That was not a part of my journey. And I think I- I kind of sometimes felt like I wasn't fully- you know, I wasn't fully being honest with them because I was doing what I- something I didn't want the kids to do. I didn't want to say, 'And, like, yeah, numb the pain. I just, you know, abuse all my drugs and meds, and mix them all together, and make it so I don't have to feel any pain and know what's going on'. So I definitely never talked about that until I was on the other side of it.

On Affirmations

 I think it's really easy to let that damage from someone making you feel like you're worthless- to allow you to hear from other people like, how great you are, or how you're doing all these amazing things, or how strong you are- to, not feel that same way. I remember telling my therapist that you know, I was not- I was not strong, because I stayed. And she told me- and maybe people would conflict with this- but she said, 'You are absolutely strong, because you stayed. And you fought. And, now you didn't ask for help, but you- you powered through it. That's not weakness. That's strength'. And so I think that was helpful to hear. Which has helped me, you know, change how I feel towards myself.

And as much as I know I'm strong, and determined, and courageous, and you know, to- to even share my story, and talk about it. And- and I tell my son the truth, you know. And he's nine, and he knows as much as he needs to know. And, so I think that those two things really help me to have to be honest with myself. And that you have to let that like, devil on your shoulder go away, that's then trying to negate that power within you.

So you could say, like, 'I'm powerful', but then have that second guess thought of like, well, I'm not powerful. We see us not being strong or powerful as a survivor, in the way that we didn't leave- we didn't ask for help, or we weren't honest, or we lied, or we covered it up- as weakness. And then, to turn that around as trying to preserve ourselves. And you know, if someone tells you they're gonna kill you if you leave, or they're gonna hurt your family if you leave, you're staying out of fear. But you're also somehow not giving up. But I think it's helpful to have to really understand that- not allowing what you've been trained in your brain by someone that poisoned your brain, to contradict what you know is true. And then overcoming that, and just remind yourself, and then give yourself examples.

I am strong because I moved forward and actually didn't just give up.

On Reclaiming

I think, as I've gotten older, I've had this thing that I like, want to go back and do the things I didn't get to do. Or, I just needed to go back to do it, because I think that's going to be the answer of the happiness that's- the piece that's missing. Like what piece is missing, to not feel whole, or to feel like I haven't fully healed in the way that maybe you would think all these years later, I would.

And then I started coaching cheer this year- this past year. And- and it's been interesting because I loved it, and I got back into it. But now that my son is getting really busy into sports, I think, okay, I did it. And maybe- maybe that was just all I needed to do, was go back and do it again. I am gonna do it this summer, but I don't feel like I need to do it anymore.

It was like I had to go back. And I loved doing it. And maybe I could still, at times do it. But, it's like I healed that part of me, that had to go back and cheer again and- and got to watch them cheer through me. And it was like, I got to finish my senior year and I did it 22 years later. I think that is something that, as you get older, you have to allow yourself to transform and change.

On Tools

I would absolutely encourage someone to go to therapy right away, and go to therapy always, right. And find the right trauma therapist, not just a normal therapist- they have to understand trauma in way more ways than just normal. What happened in your life to make you the way you are, so that it doesn't impact your job, and your marriage, and your kids, and your family, and so that you can learn how to navigate that. And that, I think, has been really important for me. So, maybe I first have to do that, before I can go back and heal the little girl. Because I had to just learn how to be normal again. And now, I need to be able to go back and heal the little girl.

From Where I Speak

I speak as someone who has had multiple, different avenues of healing in my journey, as a survivor. So, I speak as the little teenage girl, that was- whole life changed, and had to just, learn how to walk, and was in a wheelchair, and barely walked across stage to graduate. And just accept that that was an accomplishment.

But I also speak as the girl who is- was really sad and traumatized by losing my cheer and dance of my senior year. I speak as someone that worked really hard to just do well in college, and overcome all the adversity against me graduating. But then became really great as a student. And then I was a student for a long time because I could be good at it.

And then I speak as someone that slowly overcame everything. Through a lot of struggle and having to be selfish. I speak as someone that really just wanted to have kids and be married and- and be normal. And just have normal life. And I worked really hard to get there. But still, someone that's damaged. And still needs to heal, so that I don't project my trauma onto my children.

I speak as someone that has trauma linger in their life, forever. And all different ways. And little things trigger it in ways that you know, you don't ever really think. They just- it just pops up. It's just there.

I speak as someone that has worked really hard to have a good career and- but also know that my career isn't who I am.

So I speak as someone who is at least willing to take the leap of faith that it's going to work out, whatever comes next. And if it doesn't, I'll try something else and you have to be okay with that too.

 And, I'll always speak as that little girl that was told she was worth nothing, and that no one would love her other than him. To work really hard to share my story so that no one else feels that way. And to know that they are worthy and empowered to not let anyone belittle them with who they are.

Words of Care

One thing I would tell someone healing from abuse is to give yourself some grace and patience. And be proud of yourself, with every step of the journey, because every step helps you heal, or learn about who you are, and what has impacted you- good or bad. Because you have to unlearn the unhealthy, and you have to relearn how to be healthy and positive and not- not to let the evil linger anymore. And with every step you take in that healing, the hard- you know, body, unhappy feeling way- this uncomfortability- you know, you have to allow yourself to cry, you have to allow yourself to feel, and to be okay with it. And then know that sometimes, it's too much and you can just move on and wait till the next day to try again.

And that is what I tell the teens. You don't get to go back and redo this. You need to make the most of these years in high school, and middle school, for you. And for yourself. Be selfish. This is the only time in your life you get to be selfish. Do exactly what you want to do for yourself, and do not let anyone take it away from you.

So like, when someone is isolating you from the family and friends, and all the things you love, that is not okay. That is unhealthy. And that is control and possession over you, as a thing, not a person and a human. And if you see it start to happen, just know it's okay to ask for help, right away. You don't have to stay- get help. People are out there to help you. A lot of people. And you're not alone, in this, at all.

If you are a younger survivor, trying to figure out how to get your life back from whatever has been taken away- emotionally, physically, psychologically, mentally- whatever was fully damaged, whether it be all or one, minimal or very traumatic- that you will not understand your healing until you have gone through it for a while. Because it's very hard for your young mind to even understand what happened. And that what- what is life now and the lessons you're learning eventually will make sense. And it may take a long time before, but just be patient, trust the process, and don't give up.