On Survivor Identity

 I would have to say survivor for me- it's actually broad, it has many stages. I think the minute someone's in a unhealthy relationship and it's damaging; the fact that you get up every day, and you're breathing and living, it makes you a survivor, even if you're still in the situation.

For me, being a survivor, started when I knew something wasn't right in my marriage and in my relationship. Because, every day, it was walking on eggshells. Right then and there is what made me know that I was a survivor, because I was still living and still trying to take care of my kids. For me, the term is appropriate. I don't like being called a victim, because I'm still living. I think those who are victims are those who are no longer living because of their situation.

But I have to say, survivorship for me started as a child. When I finally broke away, and- I call it my liberation from the toxic relationship, I realized that's all I've ever known. It became my normal. I was three years old watching my mother, who was a teen mom, fight with one of my uncles with baseball bats and- blood and injuries. That was a family dispute, that normally happened. Or her fighting with her boyfriends, or my uncles who beat their wives to the point where they were hospitalized. But they still stayed together, you know, one of them still married 30 years. So I think survivorship- you get the title when you realize that it's not normal and it's not healthy. When the abuse started transitioning towards my children, that's when I really knew I had to do something.

On Sharing Their Story

I'm actually a very private person. I've always been raised where you don't share your business. My ex was the same way, you keep your business to yourself, you don't tell professionals your business. And, um, I have to say one of my eye openers, was, um, my ex's cousin was murdered. Lived a very- she was very private about her relationship, never even knew anything was wrong, and, um, she was murdered on Buffalo Road by her boyfriend, um, she was stabbed to death, um, that was an eye opener.

The fact that the violence was not just his family from his hometown, but also the family, he didn't even really have a relationship. And this woman was at my wedding, and she got murdered on Buffalo Road because of anger and rage. And I'm seeing the anger and the rage, so I need to share the story because that could be me on Buffalo road, because you never know when they tip the glass to go that way. Um, so sharing- sharing, it triggers a lot and you tunnel through, and you- you tunnel through all these things you went through and the things that you thought was normal is not normal and you remember things that you forgot purposely your brain forgot. So, it's just constantly recycling and reusing it over and over, till eventually you don't have to recycle anymore.

 So now it's- it's hard to talk about my experience, but I realize there's actually healing from it. I think starting off with small groups, with people who shared similar experiences, was the only way I could be here today to talk, because other individuals wouldn't look at me and look down on me or judge me or ask, why did you allow X, Y, and Z? These are individuals who said, 'it's okay. It's okay. These things were real. You're not crazy.' So now I can share my story, and now I'm at a point I'll share my story and if you think I'm crazy, that's your problem. You know, because this is really happening, not just to me, to thousands and hundreds of thousands of women, and they're not crazy. And when we talk about our story, sometimes the things that we block and hide in that dungeon just comes out, and we have to face it again, and again, and again, and our abuser is not even present anymore.

And not just that abuser, but the trauma from your childhood or the traumas you were exposed to in your environment. I grew up in the inner city, so domestic violence was just another day in the neighborhood. I mean, neighbors all the time were beating up their wives and their girlfriends on the corner at the corner store, so it was just another day in the neighborhood. That's what was expected in our community.

And, when I share my story, it replays some of those things because now I know they're not okay. And it wasn't okay for people to turn their backs on it. And how can I tell my story so other people who have been exposed to that know they can stop it right there. We can, we can stop this. We can put our barriers and boundaries up and say, you know what, no, this is not okay. Let's stand together and figure out how we can stop this.

 I think a big thing we forget about the trauma of domestic violence is it's not just the individual and their children, it's the family, it's the community that's affected by it. So it's not just a one person problem. I've worked with other survivors, um, in my profession and it's everywhere. And sometimes they're children of survivors and some of them are parents of survivor, but the damage is just as ricocheting.

Domestic violence is going to impact almost like an earthquake, you know, when you have a tsunami, it comes in, here comes the big wave, and then everybody's hit with those after waves. So I think we forget that domestic violence isn't just the survivor, but it's the survivor's circle and people around that circle. So that's why I kept it to myself for so long and didn't ask for help, because I didn't want to be toxic to others, because as a healer and an empath, you don't want to harm others, you want to heal them. So you don't want to make the damage worse. And then I learned that keeping it in makes it worse

I'm a very spiritual Christian, I don't believe in denominations. But, at the time my family was going to this church for a while, and then we left the church because my younger children weren't being engaged. And that's when some of the domestic violence was occurring, that was very psychological, very manipulative, financial. And we went to another church because my children were with their dad one time and met this pastor. And, um, they really liked the pastor and the wife, they were very personable. And I was just done with churches, with the manipulation and stuff like that. And I knew I had faith, but we were put under their umbrella when I was with my husband at the time.

And I won't forget the date. But it was two o'clock in the morning when my ex ended up having a huge mental outburst at two in the morning, rampaging, blasting music, stomping, waking us up. I had the children downstairs for a slumber party and I went upstairs and said, what is wrong? And I could hear him in the corner going, I need control. I need control. I got to have more control. And I'm like, what is he talking about? Control for what? And of course it's during COVID.

So, the long story short, he, um, wouldn't let us leave the house. I wanted to leave and take the kids to go to my mother's because he was just rampaging up and down the stairs yelling about things that had nothing to do with us. That was the last day we had to be in the home with my abuser. Um, it ended up with us getting blocked without being able to leave, and I had to pick up a baseball bat and put a hole in the wall. And, um, I was very proud of myself that the hole was in the wall and not on his head, like I had seen growing up as a child, but it made a statement that I was done. This is enough. This is enough. The officers that came that day were insensitive, they said they had other things to deal with. Of course, they didn't know he's a person who's taken down 12 cops before in the city he's from.

And then back in my mind, I was so tired of people just not listening and helping. I didn't even care at that point if he did anything to them, because I'm just so tired of trying to protect everybody else and the people who should be protecting me and my children at 2:00 in the morning are huffing and puffing. You know, and he's just rampaging and trying to manipulate them.

On Support

So when he left, this is where I get to the support system. This pastor came to my house at 1:30 in the morning, left his family, because something was wrong. And he knew I was very devoted into living a certain life of servitude to help others. And, um, he got to see the other side of my ex, um, the lies, the manipulation, it was the first time he ever saw, and this is somebody who believes a man has authority. And, um, when I talked to the congregation, one of the women said, 'We've never seen him side with a woman in twenty something years, and he sided with you.'

That wasn't right. It was wrong. And you needed to be protected. And that, there was an eye opener that if I can stay true to myself and know I'm not crazy and speak right, the right people will come and be there for you.

So all the people who said, why don't you leave? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The one person I thought would choose his side- that I'm wrong- didn't. But, for a Baptist preacher to go with the woman, the wife that, okay, the family's being tortured, there's something wrong here. And for him to see the exposure of the manipulating abuse right there, and probably never believed it, and got to witness it, ever since then, he's been so supportive of me and my children.

On The Story of Domestic Violence (Children)

What was really, really healing is I realized the healing journey is not just my journey. The healing journey was my children too. So as I was going on a path of healing, they're going on their own path of healing and it does not mirror each other. And they're all on a separate page, but then I'm the parent who's trying to go through my healing, and they're trying to go through theirs, and you're still trying to set boundaries, hope, wait, there's this respect for mom, but then again, I got to be a little lenient, to a point. My kids were more terrified than I was. You know, he went and got a pistol permit; I got a pistol permit. And at a time, I had told two of the people that signed for him, please don't sign for his pistol because he's spiraling and I know this is going to turn ugly because of things that came out, but I can't stop him from that. And then if I didn't go along with it, there was going to be punishment for me and my kids with anger rampaging, if I didn't go along with him getting the pistol permit- so I made sure I got mine too.

Um, so in the midst, when I left him, we went down and because of how the incident happened with him, not letting us leave the house that night and how he cornered the children, I was able to get a stay away from myself and the children.

Um, long story short, I found out he was collecting money for my boys from 2008 to 2016, I never knew. I financially was taking up things because he became disabled. He acted like he didn't have no income. He was collecting funds for both my children and I found out in 2016. So when we left each other, you know, in that day, he had to leave and I had to fix all the finances. They were wondering why he was receiving their funds and they reversed it back to me. So on my son's 16th birthday visit- it was a supervised visit- he attempted- and we have text messages of everything where he was going to go buy a shotgun at Walmart during his visit with the supervisor, while they were at another store, um, it didn't go through, I guess the sheriff got called.

So. Long story short, they revoked his pistol permit with the stay away. He still attempted to buy it. They never collected his pistol permit. He still has it. So if he's 'sposed to turn in his permit and etcetera, why is he still walking around with it almost two years later? The courts never took it, um, but that was the one time I felt anger towards him and hatred at that moment.

And it was an ugly feeling. That's not part of my nature. And I sent it back to him. I sent that energy right back to him- this is how you want to live, I'm not going to live like this and I'm not going to live in fear. When I see him now, he's just another person walking, and I also have it in the back of my mind, don't play with me anymore because I'm tired. I'm fed up. 17 years, I'm fed up. It's time for us to have enough. It's time to say I've had enough. And it's okay to say I had enough. But don't carry that hatred because it'll eat you up.

The other thing is, I never really talk bad about my children's father to them. I will call out what's normal and not normal. I'll call out behaviors. I'll call out manipulative things. Because if I was not on this earth, I'd want them to make themselves safe. And now they can see it themselves, they'll say, 'Oh, he's trying to buy me again. He's Disney-landing. When he was home, he never did this. He was here, how many years, mom? He never bought us this, bought us that, took us out to eat- all of a sudden, he wants to take us to our favorite restaurant, buy our favorite shoes, buy me my favorite skateboard. Be aware of these things, not just with your dad, but with other people in your life and just understand they're sick.

They have a problem they need to deal with. Um, and that's the hardest thing. Cause I want to say your dad's an asshole. He's a liar. He's a little bastard. And I want to say these things, but then I have to take a step back and be that bigger, humble person and not taking that hatred, just putting that, you know, energy somewhere else.

On The Story of Domestic Violence (Daughter)

My daughter had a massive nervous breakdown, uh, during COVID. The abuse at home- and I was telling her, I can't leave and, you know, I'm stuck and I'm coping the wrong ways and she's like, 'I need my mom', 'Mom, I need you'. You know, and I was drinking at the time and that's the only way I could cope to make it through without doing something stupid, you know, and, uh, we spent time in the E. D. I could not find one counseling service, even though some were back open, that would support her because she was in between peds, in between adult. So, a woman heard me at a reception desk, she goes, listen, go to Center for Youth. They're very personable, they're going to support both of you, you're really trying for your daughter. Because I was not going to put her in a psych unit. They're not healthy.

So Center for Youth over on Monroe Ave, they were getting ready to close. They stopped. We're going to find someone for you. I said, I just need help. I have no resources. I'm in a domestic situation. My abuser's actually outside right now. I need help. So they pulled her in. They talked with her. You know, they talked with me. Then they talked with her alone. And ever since then, she's still with them. Cause they keep the youth all the way up to 23. But they communicated with me, we understand, you're going through the trauma, you're- you're now realizing it, we understand, we can help her this and this and this away.

And then they let me know, don't be surprised if we get her housing, she may leave home. So, her senior year, March, she left and got her own apartment. It broke my heart. I was so broken. That's supposed to be like a pivotal moment for a parent when your child's a senior and going through those experiences and she had to go to her own apartment because I couldn't fix the situation. But, they were there for her, you know. And she came back home after he was gone. So March, she left. May, bloop, he's gone. She came back home August. So Center for Youth, they were very family oriented. What else can I do even though I'm in my situation? And they gave me resources of what I could do as a parent.

You know, in this situation, you know, no one else does that. Not even the current counselor she has. And I asked the counselor, I said, well, she had an episode at camp this summer, and my daughter is now at a point where I was like, you know, you can probably go to one of the organizations now because you're 19. I made her cry. I said, you're a survivor too. And she just started crying.

We gotta treat the whole family, not just the one survivor. We're not doing that. I think I still spiral through all the stages at different points. . The despair and depression is so much less now. It took a year and a half to really understand grace.

So, when I was talking to a counselor, she said, 'Give yourself grace'. I actually had to Google 'grace' again to remember what that really meant to give it to myself. Even though, you know, I'm educated, I'm a nurse, I know what grace is, I know how to give it- but not give it to myself.

I was disassociated for probably about a good six months and I described it to someone- it's almost like, you think you're dead and you're just earth-bound. Like, you're- you're stuck in a purgatory and you're just existing. I was just this matter that's in this world, no different than the dust that was floating in the light. I was just going like a robot. And the only thing that kept me going was my children, and I didn't want them left with someone who's angry, manipulative. And then finally I realized, no, I'm not dead. And it took a year and a half to really start living. I know what living is now. I know what it means to be happy at the end of the day. I know what it means to not have to wake up at 2 o'clock in the morning of someone's rampage because of whatever they're cycling through that's not my fault. So I can actually know when I go to sleep, I can wake up and be happy and not walking on eggshells.

 So I think, going through that grieving process, um, especially the denial- I was in denial for so long because it was normal. Arguments are normal, but I think when COVID hit, that's when the abuse just heightened. So, before it'd be once a month. We'd have an argument or dispute that wasn't normal. Then it became every week. Then it became two, three times a week. Then it became once a day. Then it became throughout the day, during the night. And I think that's when the denial was like, oh no, this isn't right. It was never right. It was never okay.

And then I was able to actually cycle through. And I think right now the biggest thing is accepting acceptance- accepting it happened. There's going to be times where I'm going to have triggers. PTSD is real. You know, you read about it. I've taken care of patients with PTSD, but it's a whole different ballpark when you experience it, and nobody can tell you how you feel.

Because each individual experience it differently and have to cope with it differently. And that's part of the grieving.

On Disenfranchised Grief

Honestly, sometimes it's better just to keep your comments to yourself. If you don't understand a situation, I really just sometimes say, why don't you just shut up if you don't know. Um, even to my closest family, and some people have a little more support than others. My support system is very small and my trust circle is very small. If you don't understand, then you can't tell me what to do. Because if you were in that situation, you say you would do X, Y, and Z, but you're not in that situation.

Keep your comment to yourself because it becomes more damaging. I felt like a failure- failure as a mother, failure as a person. And the more people told me that, the more I spiraled and I ended up drinking for a good two years, just the numb out of the situation. COVID was a nightmare. I was locked in a house with a beast, with a demon, angry all day long, 24-7, 2 o'clock in the morning. For people to look at me and say, 'Well, just leave' or 'Have him leave', especially when you're married, it doesn't work easy that way. And it was constantly people saying, 'Why don't you do this?' 'Why don't you do that?' Well, unless you're in my shoes and understand the situation, you don't understand why I can't do this right now. What would happen to my children with the court system and the legal system, because I already knew that it wouldn't really protect them the way they need to be protected.

So that was where it was just disenfranchised. It took a year and a half for me and my daughter to really get back to that close relationship and even for the abuse, her senior year, she had to leave home. And go into housing for teens because I couldn't get the services I needed. I couldn't get the support legally. He wouldn't leave. Um, and it became a safety factor. And she is his stepchild and my two younger children are from him, so they were a whole different story. So it kind of made her feel some sort of way, but then again, she didn't completely understand how systems work. And my children unfortunately realize laws don't protect people, they protect laws.

On Support

So, I make sure to let people know I'm going to share with you some facts, it's not my opinion. It's up to you how you want to use it. So, I've learned to not share opinion. Uh, my opinion is my own. And if someone's in crisis or someone's, you know, trying to get out of a toxic situation, I don't have a right to make them feel awful, and how I was made to feel awful. I am there to make them know it's okay, and this is real. You're not crazy, but this is the facts. If your spouse or your partner is strangling you, you have a high probability of being murdered. That's a fact. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or make you scared. It's a fact.

So that, you know, versus, Oh, he's awful. He wants to hurt you. He doesn't care about that. That's all, whatever that, no, let's get to the facts of it. If I'm giving opinions and I feel like I failed, like I'm, I'm going to cause more damage, but. Giving a fact they can take or leave it and how they use it, you know, facts are facts.

I tried to stay away from opinions. I think that's what really helped, to kind of cope is having a routine and trying to re-identify who am I. I had to make an effort to get up the same time every day. I had to make an effort to get out of bed. I had to make an effort to do my hair. I didn't even wear makeup for a long time. I had to make an effort to match my clothes. I had to make an effort just to say good morning. You know, I had to make an effort to want to brush my teeth, make an effort to even give eye contact. Trying to give myself a routine, not just floating around.

RECLAIMING

It's so funny, I was actually working on my post masters and my doctorate, and I couldn't remember anything anymore. I couldn't- I couldn't remember terms, even long term memory- I felt like I was getting stupid, I- I- I- I thought I was getting early Alzheimer's. I was like, Oh my gosh, I can't remember anything. I'm losing my identity. What makes me happy? Things I used to do. I used to be into art. I was an artist. I did all kinds of artwork and it's been 20 years and I let it all go.

So finding who am I, and I'm still every day finding bits and pieces of who I, who am I? You know, there's a name that's great. There's a picture of who I look like, but really who am I now?

I think the insight that I gained is that people do enjoy being around me. I was always made to feel that people looked at me a certain way. Um, my ex would constantly use culture because I'm multiracial- I wasn't black enough, I wasn't white enough. Um, and then I realized, none of that mattered. Who I am as a person, in the core, and how I love, and my love language. And I had to learn to like to be around me. So if these people like to be around me, something's wrong if I'm not liking to be around me.

So learning that love language, it can be contagious and healing. And now I'm bloomed. Now I'm making friends, I'm getting out there, and self caring with coffee. It's so weird to go get coffee for yourself and not have to be told when you can get it, how you can get it, who you get it for. I'm putting the extra cream on my coffee now, and no one can tell me no, or no one can tell me oh, well, you already know you need to watch your weight. Screw you. I'm putting extra cream now for that, you know?

It's those little things, the little things before you couldn't do that you can do now.

On The Healing Journey

I think the most surprising part of my healing process is I don't hate my- my ex. I realize it's because I don't want to give that energy and I want to put that energy somewhere else. And I've learned how not to hate because the reason why we have these problems is because of hatred. And I think that that's pretty much the biggest thing is, is learning not to hate, learning how to make new friendships and trust other people. It was really hard for me to trust the counselors. My mother actually was the one who encouraged me to go to Willow three, four years ago.

And I'm like, yeah, no, my, my situation isn't severe enough, when we have physical altercations, he backs down because I defend myself. But that's still physical abuse. And in my mind it wasn't, and I didn't realize it until two weeks ago, after five years- two weeks ago, I realized, uh, no, that was physical abuse.

And, and I'm so used to people lying and manipulating, giving me what I want to hear, um, so I have to say, trusting your resources- I think one of the counselors, it took me probably two months to really feel that she was genuine. But her body language, I'm very good at reading body language, it really showed that no, really, I'm listening to you and no, you're not crazy and talking through made me learn how to have friends again.

What does it mean to have friends? Healthy friends, because just right along with an unhealthy relationship, you can have unhealthy friendship and unhealthy family members. And I learned to cut my unhealthy family members and friends and make new family. And my new family are my survivor friends. That's my family. Those are my sisters and their kids are my kids.

 Words to Self

I think you feel stuck in your situation because of your resources, whether it's financial or whether it's work wise or your children or the pressures from family and friends, I felt stuck.

I grew up with a family of many alcoholics. When I was really in the midst of feeling stuck, so I went into drinking. I was, what I call, a functional drinker. A functional drinker can still work during the day or do their normal stuff and then they'll binge like at nighttime. So I would take care of my kids, put them to bed or have them settled in their rooms. And that was my way to numb myself because I knew once my kids were fine, that was when he would target me with his anger or disapproval of- no matter what I did, it was wrong. When I took care of people during COVID and, um, save some people, I was wrong because I think I'm better than X, Y, and Z and I would just numb myself of feeling so worthless. And if I could go back to myself then and say, 'You don't need that to cope. You just need to remember who you are.' So I wish I could go back to those two, three years, especially during COVID, when I would drink to the point where I didn't remember the night.

I wish I could go back and tell myself that I was worthy. And I just need to remember who I was, and I just lost who I was, because it's damaging. And even though I was functional, it still exposed my children, it still exposed my family who I'm closest with, but then again, it also taught them how certain things can lead you the wrong way. So, I just wish I could go back and tell myself that I just needed to find myself and find myself worthy. And I was better than that.

On Affirmations

It's so funny, I- to empower myself, I have to say I am worthy to live and not just exist just like anybody else. I am worthy to be loved the right way, and I am worthy to be appreciated, and I am worthy enough to where I shouldn't have to apologize because I love people and I love seeing people be happy. And, um, I think just telling myself I'm worthy and I do deserve to exist, but also to live and have joy in this thing called life.

That I am allowed to have that, and nobody should have a right to take that away. This life is mine, nobody else's. And sometimes talking to ourself is hard when you have so many voices in your head.

It's just- it's like a- a crowded room, and everyone's trying to be heard at the same time. And it's like, 'Where am I?' 'Where's my voice?' 'Hello?' And it's like your mind just takes over because you're in survivor mode, and you forget about yourself because you're just trying to get through all that noise. And once you get through the noise, you kind of like, oh, 'I can actually hear myself now. What do I say?'

You know, then you have to face yourself.

From Where I Speak

I speak from beginning of creation where, during my abuse, I remember I was reading the Bible and I was wondering what is the purpose of a woman, you know, feeling so degraded and devalued myself and felt like I failed.

So I speak from the fact that I read Eve is the mother of all living things. So as the mother of all living things, you have the ability to nurture, to teach, to grow, to discipline. Um, so as the mother of all living things, I learned to love people and forgive people. And to forgive myself, because I have a big job, a big role. And it's okay sometimes to say, okay, it's too much. And as the mother of all living things, it can get a little challenging. Mothering is not easy, there is no book- well, there's books out there, but none of them really match up. But I speak from being a mother of all living things, of caring and compassion.

Words of Care

When you're healing from abuse, every day is a new day, and it's not going to be the same. Some days will be great, some days will be gray, some days will be a mix of you don't know what to call it, but it's another day. And there will be a better day that comes after. So, don't take each moment as it's going to be forever, because it's not.

And healing takes time, and sometimes time is our enemy, but then again it can also be our friend. So friend or foe. So, you just have to respect time and give it time.

Survivor Voices

Survivor Voices is all over the United States with the Family Justice Centers and since we're establishing our Family Justice Center, the core is going to be those survivors who have experienced the disjointed system that we're dealing with right now.

We want to make sure everyone feels respected and also feels protected. I tell people I'm educated, but I was thrown through the washing machine of trying to get the support I needed. The problem is, we can't just paint one picture for a survivor, everybody has a different situation and a different trauma and a different trial and tribulation.

99 percent of the time, we've all come across some kind of fault in a system, where we weren't protected or we were exploited or our children were made vulnerable. So basically, we're able to come together and right now we're looking at legislation and bills. We're working on CARES law, and that's to protect children who are in cases of domestic violence, because this young girl was actually murdered by her father on a visit, and the courts knew there was harm potential, but threw it out.

So basically, we're going to be focusing on local initiatives, we're going to look at state and federal initiatives. So it's not just a bunch of people coming around and complaining about their problems. No, it's, it's a disjointed system that's causing harm and damage. So we pretty much address what systems are having some faults, what is working- because some things do work and some things don't- and where can we make a change legally to make it a safer community and more conducive to support. It's not my opinion. It's not my way. It's just me being a megaphone to put it all together, because sometimes conversations get intense.

It depends on where you are in your survivorship and how you can focus. If it was six months ago, I couldn't lead. I was still stuck in the tornado storm, but now I'm at a point where I'm on the outside, like, we can fix that. So it's looking at it more general than just individual. I'm just their megaphone.

I'm a megaphone for the voices.