On Survivor Identity

I do consider myself a survivor. More so just because, I know that things could have been worse, and I'm still here. And so for that- yes, I consider myself a survivor. But, I think for myself, just because I'm still in my healing journey- I think that's why my definition of what a survivor truly is- um, is taking a little bit longer for me to put that definition on. I think when people- especially in these circumstances, think of 'survivor', they think of the physical aspects of it. But for me, it's more of the mental, the emotional aspects of it, that I think is just- it's a journey. So for me, I'm still working on that definition completely. And I know it's going to take some time, but, every day I consider myself a survivor, no matter what.

On Disenfranchised Grief

Coming from, being in a relationship for 12 years- and, all of a sudden, at one moment in time, just kind of like, your world crumbling, right before your eyes. And you not really having any control over it. It- it causes a different type of grief. And some people are like, 'Well, I don't understand why you feel this way, due to the circumstance'. But, it's just the fact that, that's a piece of you. It's a piece of you that, you now have to put the pieces back together, somehow, some way, with a certain piece missing. And that's really tough. A lot of people won't support your journey through that process, or may not understand your journey through that process. And that's something that I've come to kind of say, when I speak to people like, 'Listen, you might not agree with what I'm saying, or you might not agree with my decision, but I'm not doing this for you or anyone else. I have to do this for me'. And I've learned that that is what's most important.

I know one area for me as well, that I felt a different type of grieve-ment, and a lot of people just couldn't understand, was the feeling that, I didn't protect my daughter. And even though a lot of people say, 'Well, you're taking all the proper precautions now, and you're protecting her now'. I still had to look at the man. But I had several opportunities to maybe protect her beforehand, that I turned a blind eye to, until I couldn't.

And that for me, is something that I'm still dealing with, especially raising a daughter, you want to protect them- a child, period. You want to protect them from everything, including- possibly, their own parent. And so, that is something that a lot of people just have not understood why I feel that way. But as a mom, it's just something that I'm working on for myself, to not continue to feel that way.

On Support

I mean, I would definitely say, the number one way, is sometimes just listening. I feel like, even outside of this situation, a lot of times people listen to have a rebuttal, or listen to speak. And, they don't actually listen to understand. And I feel like, if more people tried to listen to understand, that's just probably the best way that a person could help.

And just being supportive through the circumstance. I know there were times where, I would just start crying, and I couldn't really explain to you why I was crying. I just knew I needed to cry. And, some people don't get it. 'Why are you still crying over this?', or 'What's going on?', or, you know, 'Well, you're fine- you'll get over it soon'. But it doesn't work like that.

Everything is a process. And I think people just have to remember that healing takes time. And you have to allow that person as much time as it takes. You can't rush the process, because when you rush the process, something could trigger anything. And, that healing journey is going to have to start all the way back over for them. But if you give them their time, give them their space, give them a listening ear, I think that's the best thing someone could ever do.

On The Healing Journey

 I actually, have a picture saved on my phone. And it actually is of, what a proper healing journey looks like. And, it literally was all these different intertwined lines, of all these different emotions, and feelings, and so forth. And I remember seeing it, and I was like, I gotta save this- to just kind of, remind me, that it's okay.

I was one of those people that, didn't want to show emotion- I'm fine. I didn't want my daughter to see me crying, and being in those moments. But, I realized that I had to do that in order to start properly healing. And I started crying in front of my daughter- not always, but there were times she would come in, 'Mommy, are- why are you crying? Are you okay?'. And I would just tell her, 'You know what, it's okay to cry. It's okay to cry. I want you to know that it's okay to show different types of emotions. And you know what, mommy's going to wipe her tears, and I'm going to be just fine'. And, that's something that I want to show my daughter.

When it comes to children who experienced this, their healing journey looks very different than what an adult's healing journey looks like. And even though we heal, doesn't always mean that our children will heal. And, that's been something that's been extremely important to me- for my child, is how she heals. I know at the end of the day, I'm going to heal because I've made it my mission, and my purpose. But, watching your child have to go through her journey, that's something very scary. That's something that, I don't feel like enough people talk about- is how it impacts children. And everything that we should do for them. And what their healing journey looks like, even outside of counseling, because it's very different.

On Tools

I used to wake up every morning, and literally the first thing on my mind, used to be all things negative. Everything that happened- Why did this happen to me? Why did this person do this to me? Why would they ever put me through all of this? I don't deserve this. And then, I would think about it, over, and over, and over again- until one day, I was like, 'I gotta- I gotta change something'. Um, and so every morning, I will wake up- and I still do it now- and I put on motivational speeches in the morning, and motivational speakers. And I listen to them, while I'm in the shower, while I'm getting dressed- up until the point I have to wake my three year old up. And for me, it sets my mind on that path of constantly staying motivated and in the right mindset.

On Affirmations

I keep a journal now. And I read it every morning, and every night before I go to bed. And it's all of my 'I am's'. One of the words in there is, I am a survivor. And, you know, 'I am strong' and all different things. 'I am loved'. 'I am happy'- because sometimes we have to remind ourselves that, we deserve happiness. And, I put in there that 'I'm happy'. Sometimes I feel lonely and I put in there, you know what? I'm not lonely- I'm surrounded by tons of people who love and care for me. Sometimes, we just have to constantly remind ourself of the things that we deserve. And what we just got to keep pushing forward to.

On Sharing Their Story

I work at a school. And, right after I had went through my experience, I had four different mothers come to me- back to back, to back, to back. And, talk to me about their domestic violence situation, and what they had been going through. And I was able to share with them everything that I had been through, and how I was healing. And, every single one of those parents, eventually called me back, just to thank me for sharing my story, and allowing them to not feel like- as if they were alone.

And it was amazing, because I'm like, man, I've been on my job- I've been at this school, for years. And never once had I had that happen. Right after I went through mine. And I was like, I don't know if that's- that was maybe something that I was supposed to go through, in order to help other people. But that is when I started realizing that, I wanted to share my story, and be a voice. I think for me, I'm kind of glad that I'm still kind of going through the healing process, and not saying like, 'Oh yeah, well, I've kind of gone through it', just because, it allows me to be able to relate to women in this moment.

On Reclaiming

It takes a while to rediscover what you deserve. And, it's okay if it takes a year, if it takes six months, if it takes a couple months. But, I know for me, it took a good amount of time, but I just started recognizing, and not wanting to be that person anymore.

I think one thing that I've learned is that, physical abuse is very different than verbal, and mental, and emotional abuse. And I think, with physical abuse, a lot of times, you can heal from that. I'm healed from my physical. But, it's the verbal, the mental, and then the emotional- that's where that rollercoaster comes in. And that's what takes the longest journey.

And, when I have to look at the pieces of myself that I have to put back together- it's my self esteem. It's me, figuring out how to love me for me, and the person that I am- not who I was, but the person that I am today. The person that I want to be in the future. But in reality, I am already that person. I'm just trying to build those pieces of me to be stronger. So that way, nobody can tear them down, ever again- not with their words, not with their actions, not anything.

Part of me wants to say, my heart is a piece that I think is going to take a lot to heal. Because I don't know how to be vulnerable- and not be hurt. Even with sometimes, the people you love- and your family, and who you care about. But it's finding that balance.

On The Story of Domestic Violence

I think my story kind of starts out kind of how everyone's story does- fell in love. And, I guess in a way, I saw some of the signs. But I was holding on to that person that was the sweetest guy in the world- treated me the best. It was very sweet, kind- opened up every door, helped me no matter what. And eventually, I started seeing another side to the person- a lot of drinking, at a point in time, drugs. And every so often, you know, if things got bad- 'Oh, I'm going to stop drinking'. There was always the promise of, 'I'm going to stop drinking', and they would stop for a month- maybe two- sometimes three tops, but then, it always would start back up. But the problems only existed when the drinking happened. And, there were several times where I knew that I should leave- or I tried leaving. But because the promise kept coming back- I kept going back.

We were engaged, and I had decided that- it was around the time that I discovered that he was doing drugs- and I decided it was time to call off the wedding. I had discovered that the majority of our money that was saved up for the wedding was gone. And then shortly after, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. And, surprised them at work with cute little baby stuff, indicating that I was pregnant. And it was the most happiest moment. And I remember hearing the promises again, 'You know what- I'm definitely going to stop drinking, and doing what's right, you know, before our little one gets here', and so forth. And, it didn't happen.

And about a month and a half after my daughter was born, was the first incident that, I actually feared for my life and my daughter's life. One thing led to another, and I ended up having to lock me, and my daughter, in our guest bedroom, after literally having my daughter- trying to hold the door shut, with a month and a half old baby in my arms.

About a year later, another incident happened. And I ended up leaving. And I was too ashamed to tell any of my family fully what I was going through. And I think part of why I still feel so guilty is because, I saw some of the signs before, but I was holding on. And hoping that that person that I fell in love with was going to come, and stay permanently.

But, it was the other person that started showing up more. The angry person- the verbally abusive person that, every time he got angry at me, I was stupid, I was a bitch, I was- every name in the book. I didn't realize that I was just putting this face on, and then still taking care of my daughter, and making sure that she- mommy got this. And the whole time I was trying to still have my daughter have a relationship with her father. But a healthy one. She still sees her father as the best person in the world. And that's all that matters to me.

And so, March of this year, um, my daughter's birthday came up, and- I actually just celebrated her birthday with my parents. We had a little celebration at my mom's house. And it was the sweetest thing. And I invited- he didn't come. Which was fine. But about a week later- I thought everything was going okay. I thought. And, we decided to go to Dave and Buster's, and take my daughter there. But, I noticed that earlier that day, he had been drinking. When we got to Dave and Buster's, he drank some more. So when me and my daughter got back to the house, you know, he told us that he was leaving, and that he would be back in the morning. And so- um, so me and my daughter went to bed. And about 2:30 that morning, I got a call, asking if I would come, and unlock the door. So- I would allow him over to the house sometimes to watch my daughter while I was at work and so forth.

I could tell that he was a little intoxicated, but I just did what I normally do- I went right back upstairs, and I got in the bed, and laid with my daughter. And so as little bit went on, he came upstairs. And, he asked me if we could talk- and I said, 'I would prefer us not to talk right now because it's 2:30 in the morning, and I have to be to work at six o'clock and I'm exhausted and I haven't been feeling well', um.

Of course, it was the same thing, you know, 'Why don't we think about getting back together?', and so forth. I just told him, I didn't want to talk because I'm tired.

But then he came back shortly after, and was like, 'I really want to talk', and I'm just like, Okay, I can tell that you're not going to let this go. The next minute I know, he's bringing up all sorts of different things- things that, you know, happened seven or eight years ago. But it ended up going on and on. And the next minute, I just remember, him yelling, and screaming, and calling me every name in the book again. And so, I politely asked him if he would leave. Just because that was something that I had discovered when I was in the relationship. Whenever he called me those names, I just put up with it. And when the relationship ended, I started realizing that, I didn't have to put up with that anymore. That- that was a part of me taking back my peace. And so when I heard those words again, it was like- 'Okay. I'm going to ask you to leave, because this is now going to disturb my peace, and the peace that I'm trying to create for me and my daughter'. He said, 'I'm not leaving' and, 'I'm not going anywhere'. So I said, 'Okay, well you don't have to leave, but I'm going to leave'. And he told me that, 'You guys aren't going anywhere'. I already knew how this went, because I had gone through this before. And whenever he got to this point, I knew that the physical abuse was getting ready to come.

At that point, I remember grabbing my daughter and trying to run for the stairs, to try to make it downstairs. I could grab my key, and get out the house. But he blocked us from leaving. And I started screaming, at the top of my lungs, hoping that one of my neighbors would hear me- and call for help. And so I tried to leave out that room and wasn't able to because he blocked us from leaving. And so I sat on the floor with my daughter in my arms. And I just remember trying to soothe her- and rocking her back and forth to sleep. And I just started praying, and mumbling over, and over, and over again, for God to just protect us.

And he was still asking me questions. I felt like I was being interrogated. And, it was just something I've never- I had never- that was a different side. Even worse than before. And, if I didn't answer him or give him an answer that he wanted me to give him, I was hit in the head. I was slapped. I was slapped more times than I can count. I was hit more times than I could count. Eventually, I was dragged, multiple times from the bed, with my daughter. I was stomped on. I was kicked. I was- yeah, everything. He took my phone from me at some point in time, and I was like, you know, I'm supposed to be at work. If I don't message them, and tell them that I'm gonna be late, they're gonna know something's wrong. So you might want to give me my phone. And so, it was actually my daughter that got my phone back. She kind of woke up, and kind of heard me yelling to her father to give me my phone. And she looked at me, and she said to me, 'Mommy, I'm going to go get your phone. Don't worry'. And she got down from me, and she walked over to where her dad was. And she put her hands on his knees, and she yelled at him, and she said, 'Give me my mommy's phone now!' And eventually, he gave her the phone, and she brought it back over to me. And, I was able to send a quick message- but I couldn't send the message that I wanted to send because he was standing right over me.

And he still wouldn't leave. And I remember telling him like, 'If you don't leave, I'm going to have to call the police'. And so, he ended up getting back up again, and I called 9 1 1. But something told me to put it on speaker. And so, I did. And I think it was just because I knew I couldn't put the phone to my ear. And I just started screaming for help, and tried to scream my address, and so forth, um. But he ended up lunging at me, dragging me down on the floor. And I just remember, still trying to hold on to that phone- to try to get- or yell as much information as possible. And- but, he eventually ended up getting the phone out of my hands.

And he took my head, and he banged it into the wall. And- as I was right next to my daughter and- um, my daughter was now sitting in my lap. But he took the phone, he threw it at me, and my daughter, and it kind of ricocheted off of the wall. But before I could prevent it, it ended up hitting my daughter in the mouth. And of course now she's crying.

Yeah. Um, eventually the police came. And they asked what was going on. And he said, 'Oh, nothing. We're just having a little disagreement, and she thought it would be funny to call the police'. And, I was kind of a little ways away, but one of the police officers could see me from the corner of the door and I just started shaking my head. Eventually they asked if they could come and talk to me and I asked them, 'Yes'. And it took a little while for them to get him to leave the house, but they eventually did. Um, and then he came back 15 minutes later and they eventually got him, gone again. And then, as I was in the police officer's vehicle with my daughter, doing some paperwork and so forth, about an hour and a half later- maybe two hours, he ended up coming back.

And a part of me was kind of happy that that paperwork took so long. Because I remember thinking, why did he wait two hours to come back? What was the reason? Because he knew I was at the house or, you know, just whatever the reason was, um. But I really appreciated the police, and the police officer that was there cause he made sure to stay.

It's definitely a night that I will never forget. Just because I went through that for four and a half hours. And just went through having a fractured finger. He busted my left eardrum. So, I did not have hearing in my eardrum for quite some time. Right now it's at about 75%. Um, part of why I kind of sat at a tilt, cause I can hear better from this side. Um, but, yeah. Had a huge lump on my forehead- a lot of bruises, from just being choked and hit and so forth.

Um, so yeah, my daughter, emotionally and mentally, she's still healing from a lot. Physically, her lip healed. She had some scratches on her arms and her legs and her hands, but overall, she's doing good. I didn't go to the hospital or even urgent care right away, because even though I was in a safe place now, I didn't want to leave my daughter.

And so, I waited until the next day, and dropped my daughter off at school- made them aware of what was going on. But still, to this day, I don't even understand why I did what I did next, but I went to work. And I went to my school with scratches all on my face, with a whole swollen left side of my face- with a big old knot on my forehead, not being able to hear a thing out of this ear, except for ringing, still going on. And I think for me, I went to work because that was one of my safe havens. And that was a place where I felt protected and yeah, a place where I felt supported. And so, I went. But, I mean, eventually, like I said, the physical stuff heals. It's the everything else that takes the longest.

On The Healing Journey

 It's been a good healing journey. Honestly, I don't, um- like I said, I don't regret going through it anymore. I think that in life, we all have our own paths that we have to take in order to get to where we're supposed to be. My sister say to me, at a point in time, that sometimes she thinks that God gets tired of us, and not in a bad way. But just that, in my situation, He gave me several doors- several ways out, so many times. And I took it for a moment, but then I would always go back. And I think sometimes, He gets to that point where it's like, okay, unfortunately, I'm going to have to cause something to happen. And that is going to be tough. But I'm only putting you through this because I know that you can handle this. Because I need you to be the person that I created you to be. The universe needs you to be this person.

From Where I Speak

I speak as a mom, as a daughter, as a granddaughter, and from- just someone who comes from a really strong line of women. And I don't think that as women, we should ever forget how strong we are. As mothers, especially. We have to not only heal for ourself, but we have to heal for our children. And that's a completely different type of healing.

Words of Care `

One of the best pieces of advice that was given to me, was actually by my aunt. She's probably one of the most strongest women that I know. She basically told me that, every day is going to be different. Embrace the roller coaster. And in order to heal, the way that you deserve to heal, you have to allow yourself to go through every single emotion that comes your way. If you have to cry, please take those moments to cry. If you have to be angry, be angry. If you need to go sit in the car, and scream at the top of your lungs, go do it. Whatever you have to heal from, it's gonna take time. To not rush the journey and to not allow anyone else to put a time frame on your healing journey. It could take 10 years, it could take 5 years, for some people- could take a matter of months. But everyone is different. And that means everyone's healing journey is different. And there is no right or wrong to healing. No matter what anyone says, there's no right or wrong. We just have to continue to put ourself first. And as we start putting ourself first, and putting our peace first- everything else will fall into place.

For me, I know, for myself, every day I call on the strength of my grandmother. She was my favorite person in the whole entire world. When my grandmother was in the hospital, she gave me the best piece of advice that I try to remind myself, all the time. Sometimes, you know that you're supposed to do it, but until you hear it from someone else, you just don't know. But my grandmother had just had her third massive stroke at the age of 91, and she barely could talk because it took away a lot of her speech. But she was able to tell me to come as close as I could, and she said to me, 'You let him, and no one else, hurt you no more. You have to promise me that you won't allow anyone to hurt you, ever again. And that you have to finally start putting yourself first- so that way, you can take care of my baby girl'. And she wasn't just talking about me, she was talking about my daughter. And for me, that's something I hold on to, because my grandmother knew me best. And she knew that I was always putting everyone else before myself. But something that I didn't realize- I thought that putting on that face, and putting on that smile, and being mommy, and cooking dinner, and taking my daughter here, and having fun, and this, this, that, and the third- that that was being the mom that my daughter deserved. But until my grandmother told me that it's actually through me putting myself first. That I will actually even be a better mom that way- is when I realized that that's what was truly what was most important. And so, that's why, when I talk about being a mom, and being just me, and realizing that your peace is the most important thing that you can give yourself- it's because it's everything that we are showing to our children, as parents, to our loved ones. And it's the best feeling in the whole world. And I just hope that no one ever loses that strength.