On Survivor Identity

 Survivor is kind of a weighted word, I guess I would say, um. Because there's a lot of different things in life that you can survive, you know, um. Whether you're surviving domestic violence, surviving abuse, or you're just surviving life. And me, personally, I've always been surviving. I've always been a survivor. I feel like there's difference in that as well, versus surviving. And survivor, you know, that's like, that past tense. And then there's surviving, which is like, I feel like I'm still in that. I'm still surviving. I'm not living. I'm not fully out.

But it's- it's an important word, because we are surviving. We are getting through. We are strong. And- and not letting these awful circumstances, these awful experiences tear us down. We're still here. Every day that we wake up, we are surviving. Every day that we do one form of self care, you know, one form of healing and self affirmations and reminding ourselves that we're safe and that we are strong and we are capable and we are not our trauma, you know, we are not what we've survived and looking forward to a life of not being a survivor anymore, being a person and living and having the human experience as it's meant to be had.

You know, not living in fear, not wondering what the next day is going to look like, the next hour, the next minute, you know, truly knowing that we're safe and we have survived. I am a survivor. Yes, and I'm also a human being. And, as messed up as it may seem like, a lot of this stuff is unfortunately part of the human experience. So like, yes, I'm a survivor and I'm a human being who is still alive, despite the circumstances, and it's something that I'm very proud of. To be able to sit here today and speak with you and vocalize that, and really recognize that I've made it out, and that I can start living and not surviving. So yeah. 

On Disenfranchised Grief

 It's not necessarily a singular experience. It's more the experience of the last six years of my life that I've spent moving. I've moved 17 times in the last six years, uh, in and out of- situation after situation, after situation, that I've had to run from, run from, run from. The- the grief and the guilt that I carry is so heavy all of the time. And, people in my life don't seem to understand how hard it is to have lived through those six years, and moving all of those times. 

And, I grieve who I was beforehand and I grieve who I am now, honestly, because like, I don't know who I am. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what to look forward to. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. You know, because those six years robbed me of that time to really figure that out. So I feel like 24 year- old you know, an 18 year- old in a 24 year- old's body, trying to figure out how to adult- trying to figure out who I am, what I want to do with the rest of my life, and who I want to be- how to get my license, and get over driving anxiety- how to do all of this stuff. And they don't understand that grief of losing yourself, years of yourself, to trauma and abuse. And it's- it's- it's hard trying to find yourself back, you know, and bring it back. It's possible. It's very possible. And it's a lot of hard work to really, like, pull yourself out of that, and be yourself again.

The grief, it like- it's like a shadow looming over everything else in my life in the future. And instead of being able to see things in the light, and as they are, and as beautiful, and positive as they are, and good as they are- there's that shadow. And that shadow corrupts those things, and it's basically me, looking for reasons not to trust- looking for reasons to run, looking for reasons to protect myself, so that- you know, keeping my radars on high alert, so that I can make sure I don't get hurt first. You know, that I can leave before someone does anything damaging. And it's impacted my relationships. It's impacted my friendships. It's impacted my- my own ability to survive, because some days that grief is so heavy, I can't get out of it. It's- it's all encompassing grief, where every moment of that day, when the grief is that bad, it's just all you can think about.

As I've gotten older, and as I've started to grow, and really be compassionate to myself; that grief has gotten lighter. And the shadow's not as dark. And I'm able to see through the grief, if that makes sense. And recognize where the grief is, uh, reflecting on my- my present, and impacting my ability to perceive things and really trust. And it hurts to feel that grief. And I know that, that's a part of ourselves we have to accept like, the good and the bad, you know. I'm gonna have that grief, I'm gonna have that pain, and I can utilize it to grow. I can utilize it to help other people, you know. I can feel that grief, and sit with it, and really recognize, and feel grateful that I am no longer in that anymore. Because grieving means I'm out of it. Grieving means it's in the past and I am no longer in active trauma.

So I'm grateful for that grief because it really does show me that I've made it out, and I've survived, and that I'm going to be okay. And that grief will get smaller and lighter over time. And I know it will always be there, and that's perfectly okay with me because I'm grateful for it.

And that's hard to like, conceptualize for some people as being grateful for grief, um. Cause grief, in a weird way, is a form of love. You know, I love myself and I love my past self. And I loved who I was, even when I was in trauma. I was still a good person, I was still a good friend, I was still kind, and caring, and compassionate- still deserving of love. So that grief that's- there is that love for your past self, that love for who you were before, and that love for the person that you could have been, and loving that you are not that person. I am bigger, and I am stronger, and I am higher than all of what I've went through now. I can look down on it and see it all for what it is, and be grateful for it, and feel that grief, and that gratefulness at the same time. 

On Support

 The easiest way I can put it is just hold our hand. Just hold our hand. Just sit there, with us. Sit there with us in our grief. And acknowledge our grief for what it is. That it's real, that it's valid, that it's not our fault, because no one chooses to be in these situations. So just sit with us. Sit with us in the dark. Sit with us while we try and find some form of light to cling on to again. While we find ourselves, remind us of who we are. Remind us that we are still here, and that you're here supporting us, and sitting with us, by our side. You know, no judgment, just full acceptance, understanding, and compassion. You don't have to understand what they went through. You don't have to agree with it. You don't have to have experienced it yourself. Just be compassionate and empathetic towards us, and just understand that, our feelings and our pain and our grief is very valid, and very real, and very heavy. There's no one specific thing- action, you know, words that can be said, it's really just being there. That's all I would have needed over the years is someone to just sit with me and hold my hand, and understand. 

On Support

 I didn't really know that there was help for people in domestic violence situations, up until my mom went through one. And got involved with Willow, and was in a shelter for months with my younger brother. Um, and she's the one who got me into Willow to get me out.

I have known women, and their stories of their experiences that they've been through, their trauma and... I used to judge myself, and feel like I didn't belong in the group of domestic violence survivors. Because the domestic violence that I experienced wasn't the extreme. I always put myself down, and was like, 'Oh, it's not that bad. Other people have it worse'. Like, I feel, you know, at times that like, I'm taking advantage of Willow. Even though I'm not, I was abused. I didn't have to be beaten black and blue in order to be considered a domestic violence survivor. I was a victim of physical abuse, but I was mostly a victim of emotional and verbal. And, like, heavy manipulation. Um, so I've always felt kind of, like, I didn't fit in with the umbrella of DV survivors.

And I felt weird sharing my story and like, even coming here and talking about this, because I'm like, 'Do I actually have a place?', is the- like- is- 'Am I doing the right thing?'. And I've been thinking about it this last week, and it is right. Everyone has different forms of domestic violence. Domestic violence is not just the extreme. I have every right to identify as a domestic violence survivor. It doesn't have to be the extreme. And I feel like that's what might stop a lot of people from getting help in these situations, is they don't feel like it's extreme enough. They don't feel like it's bad enough.

I am traumatized. I was a victim to domestic violence. And accepting that- radically accepting that that is your truth, regardless of what other people have gone through. What they have gone through is their own story, and what I have gone through is my own story. And, I'm proud of my story. And I'm glad that I've gotten to the point where I can accept, and believe that I do belong. And that I am a survivor. And that I can help other people with my story.

Because there are probably a lot of other people out there who feel like they're not extreme enough to belong in the group. They're not hurt enough, traumatized enough, sad enough, you know, their life hasn't been messed up enough. They feel like they're not enough. 

Our trauma is enough, regardless of where it comes from. It is enough to get help, it is enough to speak on, it is enough to share, it is enough to look for comfort and validation from others. And that's why it's important to have community, other friends who are DV survivors, to have organizations like Willow. Willow is saving lives. This is what we have control over- is community. And making sure all of us, all together, feel loved and appreciated and cared for and validated in our pain. That's how we get out, is finding that community of people, and hearing stories like this. Stories like mine, stories like all of these other people that are involved in this project. Hearing those stories, recognizing you're not alone.

On The Healing Journey

 Your environment is a huge impact on your ability to heal and grow. And if you're not in a safe environment, it's- it's possible, it is possible, I've done it. And it's exhausting. It's so much easier and healthier to be in a safe environment, to be able to unload and heal and grow from your trauma.

It's hard to not let those past patterns impact my perception of my reality and my future. Am I just going to keep repeating the cycle of running forever? And that's where, like, being able to see through that shadow and, like, pull it back, and recognize, like, no, that is not what my reality is anymore. That is not reality. 

You know, my reality is changing. My reality is in my control now. I have control over my life, over my safety. I'm not in anyone else's control anymore. And that's very comforting, you know, to be in that safe space. It's weird to be in a safe space after running for so long, and surviving for so long. To be able to sit there, and just be like- and actually let your guard down, and not be in fight or flight all the time, not be masking all the time, to be able to just be, and really feel it.

And it's just, I had that moment earlier this year and I was like, I never thought I would get here. And that just like- literal just- [sighs] like all the armor just fell off, and you're just like sagging, you know, just from carrying that around for so long. You finally have a place that you can set it down. And unpack it on your own time, with your own skills, with safe people, you know, a safe support system. Like, that's what makes it easier. Because a safe environment looks different for everyone. What feels safe to one person could feel absolutely terrifying to another. So it's all about you as a person and what makes you feel safe, what brings you peace.

For me, peace is space. I love my space, having my own space, being alone, being able to be myself, let my guard down, not be around anybody, no obligations, just space. That's where my peace is. That's where I find safety. 

I actually just went through, within the last month or two, an experience where like, I was growing, you know, and making that linear upwards movement, and then something really not- great happened, and I just kind of lost all the skills I had been working on, all of the strength I had been building. It felt like it got ripped away, and I was sent right back to where I was at the beginning of the year when I first left my DV situation. And I was harsh on myself initially. I was like, I worked so hard to get here, and this is what makes me lose it all? Like, I- I've now lost it all, and it's not in my control, it's not my fault that I lost it all.

And then I started to come out of it, recognize it isn't my fault. Sometimes things happen while we're on that upward path that just take us back down, and the thing is, it's messed up- it happens for a reason. Because the more that we have those moments where we're growing, and then we just take that steep drop off, but then we get back up- that's a proof to ourselves that, even if we fall off, even if that progress gets cut off, and we feel like we get sent back, we're not getting sent back. You're just a little lower. You're not moving back.

Um, and, you know, so I've been just, in the last like week or two, really trying to refocus on those things that I learned. And I have to accept that it's out of my control. What's in my control is how I choose to move forward. You have those things happen that send you down, let it happen.

Honestly, sometimes we just need to wallow for a little bit. Sometimes it feels good to sit and be in that darkness for a little while. And that's- that's something I feel like a lot of people have a hard time admitting, is that sometimes it feels good to be in those pits. It feels- it feels good. And then coming out of it is hard, but like, being able to come out of it, and then recognize that like, there's nothing that could take that progress away. There's nothing that'll stop you from growing if you keep staying motivated, and keep going with a growth mindset and the intent to survive, and live, and move past it, and heal. If you keep going with that, you will never get put back at square one. 

We're talking like it's easy. I am well aware that it's not. It's an awful experience. And, it's frustrating. To have those moments where you're like, doing well, doing well, doing well, you know, you're really proud of yourself. You're feeling good, you're feeling stable- emotionally stable. Your trauma isn't as present, you know. Start- starting to build healthy relationships, and then that one thing happens, and everything just comes tumbling down. Like- like a Jenga tower, and you pulled the wrong block, and it's just, it feels like a waste. It's not. It feels like it, though. It feels like you just wasted a bunch of time, and now you've just got to start all over again. Intrinsically, that's how it feels. And then when you look at it objectively, with hindsight, you're like, no, that's not how it was. The more you do it- it's like building a skill. The more you do it, the easier it gets. 

On the Story of Domestic Violence 

 A lot of people talk about singular experiences. A singular ex that was abusive, whereas for me, it was almost all of them. I have like, a culmination of deviant experiences that I'm trying to survive from. And this might sound kind of fucked up, but sometimes I wish I just had that one experience and it wasn't all of them. Because it feels so hard to let go of those past patterns, and the hypervigilance when- when going into new relationships. I am so terrified. Absolutely terrified. Because almost every relationship I've been in has been domestic violence. So I am petrified of getting into other relationships because I- I- I don't want it. I don't want it anymore. I don't want to have to deal with it. I don't want to have to run. I'm done. I want to live.

And I've spent the last like year and a half single. I'm still- I've still like, been involved with people, but I've not been in like, a defined relationship. Because I've been giving myself the time to explore, and have these experiences with these partners, to really figure out what it is that is healthy and is safe for me in a relationship. And I recognize that I do still want to try. Because I deserve to be loved. We all deserve to be loved.

On Affirmations

 I struggle with self doubt a lot. And it's something I've been working on like really recently, is trusting myself. Being mentally ill, and also having the extensive amount of trauma I have, it's very hard to trust myself. Because I think self doubt is tied to like, fear of like, making mistakes, and fear of doing the wrong thing, and saying the wrong thing, and being the wrong thing. And in reality, there is no wrong thing- there is no right or wrong, you know, it's all up to you as a person. So really, just trusting yourself. And that's, you know, looking that self- doubt in the face, and saying like, 'I trust myself. I trust myself to keep myself safe. I trust myself to do the right thing, to me.'

I am capable. I say that a lot. I am capable. I am capable. Like, I very much can trust, at this point, that I can make right decisions for myself. You know what you need, what's safe, what makes you feel good. Trusting your intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right. And that's okay. Your gut and your intuition is so right most of the time. Especially coming from trauma, because we have those feelers that most other people who haven't experienced trauma, haven't experienced abuse, don't have. 

On Words of Care 

There's so many things that I wish I could say to my younger self. That there's more on the other side. That there is an end to it all. That the storm isn't endless. You just have to hold out, just give it time. And I really just want to give my inner teen a hug and like, validate her because she never had that.

'It's gonna be okay'. I remember hearing that all the time as a teenager, it's gonna be okay. And I'm just like, how can you know? How can you know it's going to be okay? Because when you're in that spot as a teenager, there is no way to know. Especially with the people I was around at the time, looking at my mom and her experiences. I didn't fucking think I was gonna make it out. I didn't think I was gonna graduate.

Like, but it gets better. It really truly does. And I wish I could just grab her, and shake her, and just be like, 'It gets better. It gets better. Please hold on. Like, hold on'. It's so worth it to hold on. It's so worth it. There are so many beautiful experiences that I have had, in the last six years, despite being in trauma. So many beautiful experiences, and friendships, and people that I've met, that I am so eternally grateful for. And I'm so grateful that I stayed, that I chose to survive, that I chose to keep going even though it was a reluctant choice. I'm glad I did, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have experienced the beautiful and painful things that I have. 

On Reclaiming

 We do lose a lot of ourselves to trauma. We lose it. And there is no getting it back, unfortunately. And that's where that grief is- is loving that person you were, and grieving that that is no longer who you are. And, on the other side, you have this opportunity now, to be someone else. You know, you can reclaim parts of yourself that are still there, you know, because trying to bring back parts of yourself that are gone is just going to hurt. But being able to recognize what parts of yourself you still have, and utilizing those, and growing those on top of finding new things.

I've had some wonderful interactions with people since getting out and it's really changed my perspective on a lot of things, and really helped build me to where I am. Because I've been allowed to practice being myself, and letting my mask down. Being weird- god, it's so much fun to be weird, and not like, worry about, you know, getting yelled at for it or anything. Like I can just do dumb stuff, and it's funny, and like the people in my life now, they enjoy it. They celebrate my weird. They call me 'feral' and 'deranged' and they- they say it with love, you know, and like, I- I never thought I would get that. I never thought that there would be people in my life that celebrated the parts of me that are weird, you know, and sometimes annoying, you know what I mean? And being able to be that way without fear, being able to be yourself unapologetically- because there is no reason to be afraid. Because you have people in your life now. You have looked for those connections that are genuine and safe. 

On Tools

So worth it to just keep sticking out and getting those little glimmers of happiness. Just those moments where you're like, everything is right. And, I've started actually, writing them down in a journal. Documenting the glimmers that I have that I want to remember, and look back on, and remember like, yep, I was going through this at the time, but this happened and it made me feel safe, and it made me feel at peace, made me feel happy, you know, made me forget for a little while.

I've also been doing shadow work as well. Which I know might not be up everyone's alley, um, but my Willow case manager gave me a shadow work, uh, journal, and I just started that this week, and my goodness. It's been so helpful. Being able to see the shadow parts of yourself, and love them. And learn how to heal them, and grow them, and not let them impact your life. It's amazing.

I am a huge music person. I was a theater nerd in high school- you know, middle school, high school- I did band, choir, all of it. Huge music person. I'm constantly listening to music, um, and I've found a lot of comfort in, singing. You have to breathe a certain way when you're singing, give a supportive breath, you know, spin your air a certain way, and it's a whole body experience. Like, when I'm feeling those grief heavy days, when I'm feeling that shadow really heavy on me, I cue up whatever songs I'm feeling in the moment, and I just sing my heart out. And mindfully just stay in the moment. You know, music, singing, nothing else, I'm just in the moment and just letting those emotions out, and it is extremely cathartic and releasing.

Music says the things that words can't. And I've been able to really actually process and digest some of my trauma and like, help it. By listening to music like that and sometimes playing a song on repeat, and just listening to it over, and over, and crying to it, and just letting it hit. Because you can feel it in your body. For me, when I'm sitting there, and I have a song on repeat that's hitting really hard, I can feel when my body finally lets it go. I can feel it. Because it goes from that tightness and that like, tension and that like, fight or flight- to just, I can feel it just, [wooosh] 

I think the biggest thing too, when trying to find these skills, like these coping skills to help is mindfulness. That's something I learned in DBT therapy that has been so helpful to me, is being mindful and present in the moment. So when you're choosing to do an activity, or something that you want to help express, or release or anything, being fully in the moment. Fully giving yourself to it. And focusing on it and just that- that's when you get the most help from it And when you can recognize that maybe this doesn't work for you, you know, but give it a try.

That's something I didn't do for years. I never tried anything. I was like, 'Oh, it's not gonna work, I already know that', but like how can you know until you tried? It's those simple things, I really think. Because like, yes, there's those coping skills, journaling, writing, you know, dancing. There are those big things, but there's also those really little, seemingly insignificant things that can do wonders.

From Where I Speak 

 I speak as someone who was given a second chance at life. I should have died when I was 16, but I'm still here. I speak as someone who's grateful for that- that I was given a second chance. And that, though that second chance included all of what I've been through, I'm still glad I'm here. 

I- I speak as a troubled teenager who is screaming at the universe, 'Why me? why this? Why now?' And, being able to recognize that sometimes we don't know why. You don't always have to know why. Sometimes, again, there is no why. And that's hard.

I also speak as a daughter of a victim of domestic violence, a daughter of a survivor. I have watched my mom go through DV after DV after DV. I've seen it firsthand.

And, if only my mom had the resources that I have available to me, that are available now, that weren't really back then, she could have gotten out faster.

And I hope that more people can hear these stories and get themselves help and get themselves out and recognize that there are so many resources there, so many people who want to help so that they can save themselves and- and live. 

Words of Care

One thing I would tell someone who's healing from abuse is that I love them. I do. I have love to give to everyone. And I'm sure a lot of people are like that too. Especially fellow survivors, fellow victims. I have so much love, so much care, and I understand, and I see you. And it's so worth fighting for. It's so worth fighting for yourself, fighting to get out, fighting to live. It is so worth it. And I just want whoever it is to know that they are loved. They are cared for. They are important. Their life is worth living. Their life is worth fighting for. And there is hope. There is hope. It's right around the corner.

Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself. That's the biggest thing I could tell someone is to be kind to yourself. Be kinder to yourself than you are to other people. Give the love that you give, to yourself. 

And, for anyone out there who's lost hope, there are people out there that will hold that hope for you, until you're ready to hold it again. I would gladly hold someone's hope, and hold their hand. While they come out, while they push for survival. Gladly.

That hope is there. It is worth fighting for. No matter how small the sliver is, whether it's a singular grain of sand that you are fighting to hold on to, fight. Please. Like, there's so much beautiful stuff around the corner. And the moment you start fighting for yourself too, is the moment everything changes. The moment you make that decision, the moment you're like, 'Alright, I've had enough. I want to live', everything changes. Because as much as our trauma breaks us down, and turns us inside out ,and crushes us, our trauma also can lead us to being the best version of ourselves, because we choose it. We're choosing to live. We're choosing to take control back. So when you love yourself and you respect yourself, you don't have room in your life for people who don't. And you will see the flocks of people that will come, who celebrate you, and support you, and lift you up, and hold your hand, and see you for who you are. They don't just see a victim. They see a human being who has fought to survive, and is still alive against all odds. And that is worth celebration. And there are people out there who will celebrate.

Final Thoughts 

I think it's really beautiful to look at ourselves, and what parts of ourselves come from other people in our lives and other experiences. And really recognizing that we are beautifully constructed, based on our experiences, based on our lives. So that who we are now, and who we're going to be in the future, and who we were in the past, are all different people.

Because who I am now, you know, is a buildup of all of what I've been through in the past 24 years. And all of the choices that I made, all of the growth that I've done, all of the people that I've met. But I don't know what I'm going to be like in the next five years, the next six. How many more experiences I'm going to have, how many things I'm going to pick- pieces of the mosaic I'm going to pick from people, to add to the ever building mosaic of us. Because we're never finished. There's no end game. There's no goal. There's no finish line. You just keep going and keep growing and keep building that beautiful mosaic of who you are as a person.