On Survivor Identity

I do see myself as a survivor. When talking about these kinds of things, I feel like there's like, a somewhat negative connotation when it comes to the term survivor. And, honestly really hope that changes, because, I mean, hey, if anyone is willing to give another word, sure. But, I do- I mean, I did truly survive through some of the worst times in my life. So, yeah, it kind of ties in with the victim blaming, honestly. Like, yes, I'm a survivor. But then, when I talk about my experience, I kind of avoid saying 'survivor'. But at the same time, that's kind of diminishing what I went through, and what I went through was very real, and very traumatic. But yeah, no- is there even really another word?

On Disenfranchised Grief

Throughout like my first year of college, when I would reach out for help and explain what was going on, it wasn't really taken seriously whatsoever. And, you know, I would just get the same thing like, 'Oh, just keep pushing, you got it'. I really wish it was that easy- really wish it was that easy.

I always think about how people say like, 'You don't know how it is until you go through it yourself'. But, even then- cause everyone's experience is so different, yeah, there might be similarities but like, two completely different stories- completely different things. Comparing yourself to others experiences just minimizes what you went through, and what- even what they went through, and that's not really fair.

 'Cause, I mean, I feel like it's been really normalized, like, Oh, toxic relationships- it's, you know, common. But, there's toxic, and then there's full blown abuse. And I don't really appreciate the fact that it's bunched up into one. Because, even in the healthiest relationships, you can have some toxic moments. That's completely fine, it happens, things aren't gonna be great all the time. But, it's not the same thing, it's not the same thing.

When talking about my experience too, with older people, they- they're like, 'Oh, well you haven't even lived- you haven't even lived that long'. And I'm like, Okay, but the- the time that I have been alive on this planet has been rough. Can't really fast forward in time, you know, I- this is something that I now have to get through and heal. And I- just because I'm young, it doesn't excuse the fact that I went through a very traumatic and rough time. It's kind of like, uh, the, ' Oh, well you think that's bad?' -yeah, I do. [laughs] I haven't been on this earth for not even 20 years yet. Yeah [laughing] like- Mm hmm

I feel like, socially, it's seen as something that happens to like, people in marriages- people that have been together for years. But like, nah, like, abuse is something that does not discriminate, whatsoever. No, that's why you know, as a peer ambassador of wellness, um, I- you know, I do a lot of tabling and programming about what red flags in relationships are. What is being in a healthy relationship? What- what resources are there if, you're- say, you know, at a programming, or at a table, and you're like, 'Oh, my, uh, my partner does a lot of these things' or you know, ' My partner wouldn't be happy if I was even here looking at this stuff'. It's really important- the education piece, cause like, yeah, I mean, I've been in, not per se abusive, but you know, other toxic relationships growing up. I picked up some awful behaviors and like, same with, you know- I saw my parents divorce, so like I picked up things from that. Once I was educated, I was like, Oh, now it's upon me to change, because that's- that's not okay. That's not- I wouldn't like to be treated like that by someone I- that says they love me or someone that I love myself.

Safe harbors- not my favorite place. Cause like, that was the same place where I took my ex girlfriend to figure out the stuff with her ex boyfriend. And the way they talked to her versus me was... wild. Wild. It- you know, I was telling them, I was like, this is what happened, you know, my life has been threatened on multiple occasions. And, they were acting like, 'Oh, it's just a toxic relationship', like, ugh- 'Oh, that's dramatic. That sucks'. But you know, with her- they were so worried.

Being Hispanic too, there's also just a very big-  like, the stigma is already so large with male survivors of intimate partner violence, but then it comes to, uh, people of color, men of color, which is, you know, just once again, I mean, it's culture and tradition, which is thankfully, you know, it's changing, but it's also difficult to change an entire culture's perspective on things like that. Men are supposed to be seen as like, Oh, you- you gotta take charge- you know, the ones in charge, one's providing, one stand- you know, one standing up for themselves. But, I mean, once again, this shit happens to everyone. It can happen to anyone.

On Sharing Their Story

 Speaking about my experience has definitely helped in the way that, I mean, kind of on both sides. I mean, it helped me really process and grasp the situation a little bit better and see it in different perspectives. As well as- I was able to make some amazing connections just, sitting down and talking with people that have been through the same thing. And, being able to lift each other up, and knowing that you will find your light again. You will find who you were before- if not, you will become so much better, you'll come out better than before. Also, people don't really realize how bad it is, until they start talking to someone about it, and they're like- hearing yourself say it out loud and then you're like, 'Oh wait', like it- it makes it click a little.

Just knowing that people are comfortable enough for me and that I, create a welcoming space for them to be able to share those experiences, it means a lot. And I- I'm just really grateful that I've been able to hear so many people's experiences and... Yeah, just, once again, seeing different perspectives and, kind of hearing how they got through it, that- that was really the biggest thing.

On The Healing Journey

 So far for me, it has been so up and down. It has been so up and down. Since leaving, some days- some days, I feel so whole, and so appreciative of everything and I love the way life is going. But, other days I just feel this overwhelming weight of grief and sadness and anger and frustration. And I just- I just cry. I just cry because I- I have no idea where to put- where to put these feelings. I start writing and just- it's just all nonsense, because there's just so many things- there's so many thoughts and emotions running through my head that I can't write them down fast enough.

But yeah, no, with the triggers, it's- it's been strange and I'm- I'm- I'm really lucky that I have a partner now that understands and takes the time to understand me and listens to me and sees me as a person rather than my baggage. And that means so much. Honestly, if that's- that's the biggest point that I have- just treating survivors as the people they are. We are not our hurt and our trauma and all of the awful things that have happened to us. We, have other qualities. We have- we are our own individual people. Um, Yeah, that's it.

 Trauma has affected me not just mentally, but like physically too. When I tell you like, it has been a blessing to wake up every single day without pain. Without pain- feeling well rested, eating well, being able to eat well, having the motivation to stay sober. Now, I'm uh, nearly two months sober from weed. I quit nicotine a little over two weeks ago. Very rarely drink- very rarely drink. But even then I- I kind of realized that doing those things to escape the thoughts isn't really productive whatsoever. Because guess what? They're gonna come back. They always come back. If you don't process those emotions and those thoughts, they will come back and they will come back even like, maybe 10 times as hard. It just keeps piling on and on and on, but it's just, once again, it's like a pile of books that you have to then sort very meticulously.

I've found the way to kind of transform my grief in to more of like empowerment. I- this experience is not what defines me as a person. And I refuse to let this experience define me as who I am. I like, I am, I'm a student, I'm a son, I'm a boyfriend.  I- A respected community member at my college. I am not a victim.

Yeah, I- I wanted to turn that grief into something more than just sadness and anger and frustration. So, I mean, I've taken that and, kind of like, I don't know, grieving the fact that I couldn't do certain things. But now I'm like, Wait! I can do them now. I can do them now. So, I've been going out and doing so many new things, so many new things. Even just simply going out with friends to different restaurants- like new restaurants. Going out to different hiking trails, just very- seemingly little things that mean so, so, much to me- so much to me.

On The Legal System

Now, I'm dealing with the legal system, which is bullshit. Don't even get me started, because pfff... Like I- I now apparently, I have to be the ones to get three copies of the order of protection and give it to them, when she didn't have to do anything. She did not show up to the hearing. That was out of my control. You know, I'm not going to be the one to serve those papers, I'm not getting anyone involved- anyone in my private life involved in that. I made it very clear that I want the police department, I'm not sure why I now have to give you forms when it's all online. I don't know- thankfully the- the temporary one is still in order. But obviously, I haven't had the time to drive an hour to drop off some papers that they have on their silly little computer. Just for them to be like, 'Okay, we'll let you know'. Okay, yeah, that was just a waste of time. No one should go through that. It was already beyond difficult to even go there and get the paperwork and fill it out and go into that courtroom and- feel and see everything that I did. I think this is the least you could do. Print them out. Print them out.

Words of Care

One thing I would tell someone who's healing from abuse is, don't compare your experiences to others. Your pain is as valid as anyone else's. Your experience is unique. And, everyone deserves to be heard, no matter what. One thing I would tell someone who is healing from abuse is to not lose hope of reclaiming your identity and parts of yourself.

 Once again, healing isn't linear. Some days are going to be so much harder than the others. Some days you're going to feel like you are at the top of the world and- 'I've moved on from this, I'm fully liberated' to, 'Oh God, I can't- I can't even think about tomorrow. I can't think about anything past just laying here, and crying'. And that's okay. Once again, it's all valid. It's all valid.

As corny as it sounds, one thing I would tell someone who's healing from abuse is that you're not weak. You're not weak. If you survived everything that you went through, there's no way you're weak. In no way.

There's- there's people that care, and they're there to support you.

Words of Care

Something I would tell someone going through abuse is that this isn't it forever. This is not your life forever. This is something that you will get past. You have gotten past other things. You will do it again and you'll just come out stronger than before. As corny as that sounds, it's true though. I came out of this... loving myself and appreciating myself a lot more than before.

From Where I Speak

I speak as someone who wants to make a difference among my community at college as a person of color and as someone who is also part of the LGBT community. I want to give others a voice, you know, everyone's voice is so important. But, for me, still to this day, it's hard to share this story. It's hard to talk about it. It's hard.

I speak as someone who is very passionate about the outdoors, passionate about connecting with nature and being grateful for everything that mother nature has to offer.

I speak as someone who deeply values connections with others. I speak as someone who seeks to educate about intimate partner violence and its effects.

On Affirmations

Even every bad day comes to an end. And that has gotten- that has gotten me through so many days. Days that I felt like I could not go on, days that I felt like this shit is hopeless, it's useless, like I'm stuck. But like no, I'd always just keep telling myself, 'It'll end'. This day will end. We can start off tomorrow again. I just kept hoping for the best, always- even in the worst times. Cause, I was good before that and I'm beyond good now, you know? So yeah, that's really it.