On Survivor Identity

​ I do self identify as a survivor. This experience was not easy to survive, and I gained a lot of strength from it, so I take pride in being a survivor of it. For sure. You know, there are so many misconceptions about, you know, what it means to be a survivor of domestic violence. So, I- I want to claim it, just to make sure that I'm not making myself feel shame that really doesn't belong to me.

On Disenfranchised Grief

Not only did I lose someone who I thought I loved, but I lost my own identity. I lost friends that were connected to that identity. I lost the family that supported and encouraged that identity, that allowed this relationship to happen to me. Um, so it's been extremely isolating. You know, the whole thing is extremely isolating and difficult to recover from because you- you are- you are alone, profoundly alone.

But at the same time, I've also gained a lot of joy from the experience and that aloneness, because it has given me the opportunity to sort of, um, you know, pursue my own authenticity, which is something that I was not allowed. That's what sort of keeps me going, is- is being the one to have control, being the one to decide. And to, separate myself from the experience so that I can be present and make decisions based off of how I'm feeling now, versus my history. Because, if I rely at all on my history, then it's going to lead me to despair. Which it did.

I know from experience that it's something that you have to go through. It is not something that you can look at from an outside perspective and understand. You can't. People try and, you know, I appreciate the effort, but unless you've gone through it, you just don't know. I tried to really, um, give people- you know, my loved ones, my friends, I really tried to give them grace, and really tried to accept the fact that it's- it's a journey of one. It really is. And that's okay. It's not their fault. And, I have gratitude for the fact that they don't know- Thank, God. I hope they never find out what it feels like to survive despair- despair, and to witness it, is horrific. It's horrific. It's not even what happens to you, but it's- it's what's happening around you. The fact that it could happen. The fact that it exists is very difficult to deal with. Difficult to accept. The acceptance piece has been brutal.

On Grief

Grief has really been a support. I got used to sort of taking advantage of my strength, and taking advantage of my tolerance and allowing others to do the same. Feeling grief, it stops you dead in your tracks. Grief is not something that you can just, you know, glaze over. It's something that you really have to, go through and embrace. But, I appreciate it because, you know, so much of my life, you know, I was really numb to my experience.

Grief for me, in that way, has been a teacher. I wouldn't have realized that I had to stop, I had to heal, I had to process. I would have never allowed myself that opportunity, if grief hadn't stopped me in my tracks. You know, it was grief that really let me know that, you know, I was on the wrong path, like I had it all wrong, like we're- we're starting from the beginning, you know?

Yeah, so I- I appreciate grief and I don't know how I feel about the word healing, you know, cause I don't know if you ever heal from an experience like this. Maybe in death, you know, complete disassociation, maybe that, but there's no healing in this. You know, you learn- you learn to live with it.

On The Healing Journey

Um, again, it's- it's hard for me to use the word healing, but I know like, with healing through grief, it ebbs and it flows. You know, as soon as you feel like you've- you've gained some control and some perspective, something different comes up that you have to deal with that's- that was even more difficult than what you faced before. And it's an ongoing battle. It's extremely taxing, absorbs a lot of your energy, but it's also rewarding. It is rewarding. I've taken a lot away from my experience, a lot of really wonderful things. Like I said, knowing that love is real, um, being allowed the opportunity to make my own decisions and to create a life based on who I am, not who I've been, not who I was forced to be, not who I had to- or what I had to adapt to. If I hadn't had gone through this experience, I would have never lived. Like, this experience made my life worth living. And it allowed me the opportunity to connect with people in an authentic way. And it allowed me- the real me, to stand up and take the control, which is something I had never done before.

I didn't grow up in a- in a safe environment. You know, you cannot self actualize when you're focused on survival. You can't. You don't. And that's- that's something that I definitely struggle with, because there is a lot of resentment there, of not being allowed to pursue my potential because I had to deal with the scars of survival. So that's what I'm trying to do now, is trying to embrace this opportunity and allow myself to speak as difficult as it is. Yes.

And I think too, what I could say, to healing- the- one of the profound realizations that I had, was accepting the fact that I'm not broken. There's nothing to heal. There's nothing wrong with me. There never was. There never was. Like that- that realization was huge for me because, it was empowering, you know. I've been disempowered, you know- it's disempowered to think like- to look at yourself as this broken mess and wonder how you are gonna fix this, and you can't. You can't. And there's nothing wrong with being in pieces.

You know, it's beautiful. You get to examine yourself, in a wonderful way. I- I enjoyed being torn apart into a million pieces and getting to examine myself and getting to examine like, 'Oh, like this is how this happened. This is why this happened'- you know, and examining the history. And- and all of a sudden having the control to make a new decision and to change my perspective. You know, I changed my perspective in that not only did it alter the past, but it- it changed the future. It made all the difference.

That's what I'm learning, is to allow myself to make mistakes, allow myself to be vulnerable, and allow myself to be heard, without condemning myself or shaming myself or scrutinizing every single word or every reaction. I don't want to do that. I want to allow myself the freedom to be.

On Tools 

 I spent a lot of time in nature. I spent a lot of time alone, getting comfortable with myself, and getting comfortable with my reality. Getting comfortable with nothing, and embracing nothing as an opportunity.

Definitely community. I relied heavily on community. Other women, other survivors who've gone through it. I pursued therapy, you know, talk therapy, and I've, you know, like, I've had Reiki [laughs]. I've done it all, but what- what has really impacted me the most, and has given me a sense of being and belonging, and community, has been sharing with other survivors and holding space for them as well.

On Affirmations

I'm not the most positive person, I'll be honest. But, you know, lately what I've been doing is sort of writing myself the apologies I know I'll never receive. That is affirming. I've also been writing down confessions. The confessions I'll never receive, because that's really what you want. You don't want an apology. You want a confession of truth- you know, from people who aren't capable of it. From people who can't recognize it, you know. So, um, giving that to myself has definitely been helpful to me.

And eventually, maybe I'd like to share them with others. Writing has been a powerful tool for me. Writing and speaking and pursuing relationships and pursuing my interests and, you know, development, self development, allowing myself to do all the things that I wasn't allowed.

On Reclaiming

You know, not so much after the relationship. That process happened while in the relationship. Because, I didn't love myself, you know, I didn't like myself. I knew that I was not living authentically. I knew that. But, I was so- or I felt so damaged. Sorry, disassociating, because that was tough, but I'd like to answer you.

I had no idea that, you know, love was an action word. In my family, you know, 'I love you' was an excuse, you know, was said as an excuse to avoid accountability, really. So that's been interesting, yeah, definitely the pursuit of love.

I found my voice in this relationship. I found parts of myself that I hid away, lost. And I reclaimed those while in this relationship, and discovered my strength in this relationship, and did a lot of healing while in the relationship because I had to. Like, this was an incredible adversary. I finally had come up against a bigger demon than the one that I had been carrying against myself. And that was amazing. That was an amazing experience and amazing realization, because as soon as I had that epiphany, it was like, I fused together- into one. Into a being. Into someone that I thought I had lost. Into someone that I never thought I would reach. You know, so that was- that was really profound. And, and me- I- all together, you know, I- I saved my life. I saved my life. In the grace of God, you know, I saved my life. And if I hadn't done that- if I hadn't loved myself enough to allow myself, and to embrace myself- all the pieces that I had rejected, you know, I don't know if I would have survived. I don't know if I would be sitting here. So I have to write that out.

On Support

So, when I walked away from the relationship, you know, I was high on adrenaline. And I didn't really realize how much of an impact this relationship had had on me until I tried to join the natural world. It was extremely difficult for me. I had a difficult time trying to find a job, um, trying to run a business, trying to communicate, trying to be close to people. I had full blown post traumatic stress disorder. You know, loud noises, um, lights, smells, and I couldn't cope. I couldn't cope. And I couldn't- couldn't protect myself. I couldn't make money. Um, so I knew I needed to get help- I knew I needed to get help because my energy was spent in the process of survival. You know, once I made it out of the hole, I couldn't walk. I couldn't crawl. I couldn't do anything. You know, the grief was too strong. When it finally hit, it was too strong.

I've always relied heavily on myself. Um, I did- I did reach out to a therapist who recommended Willow, and said that she thought that it would be beneficial if I had the opportunity to sit with other survivors and, you know, share my thoughts, and my feelings and, you know, gain wisdom. And so, I did reach out to Willow and they had a group available, and I joined that group. And that really kicked it all off, for sure. You know, just- just the camaraderie, and- and knowing that I'm not alone, and hearing that this was not an isolated incident. It's the same story. No matter who I talk to. No matter where I go. You know, the- the, the names are different, the town is different, but for the most part, it's the same story. It's the same story. Yeah, so group therapy was the best resource for me, you know. I needed that.

From Where I Speak

I speak as someone who is speaking from a place of wholeness.

Words of Care

 One thing I would tell someone who's healing from abuse is to not be afraid to pursue truth- your own truth. And I struggle to say that because it sounds like, 'Pursue the why this happened', and that's not what I'm saying. When you pursue truth, you don't need to know why. The why doesn't matter. 

On Sharing Their Story

 You know, domestic violence, for me- this wasn't an isolated incident. This is very much a part of my history. Something that I was born into. Something that my grandparents survived, and my mother survived. Um, you know, I'm- I'm the child of- of rape, you know, so really domestic violence was my destiny. And I think that I'm pursuing that distinction, and trying to find meaning and use my story and my history to not only better myself, but to better everyone I come in contact with. And to also find ways to heal. And to not be ashamed of it, you know. Like there's no shame. There's no shame in survival. There's no shame in being a survivor. Not at all. It's incredible. It is.