On Survivor Identity

 I'm not sure if I identify as a survivor, only because I don't speak about my experience as much. And I don't share it. But I know I still need to work through it. So perhaps, once the healing process has gone to the point that it needs to go to, perhaps then, I will be able to call myself a survivor. But, in general, you know, when you think about the word 'survivor', you definitely think of someone that has, experienced something tragic and life altering- something that has been embedded into their core, and something that has changed the way that they either think, or process things, or feel, or act, or do, or even treat themselves.

So, I guess in the book- book title, I guess- sure, yeah. I'm a survivor. But, do I talk about it? No. Um, I talk about, you know, things with my husband. Um, I flirt around the topic with people that, you know, have the, um, awareness of it. Um, but yeah, I don't know if I'm strong enough to be a survivor yet, if that makes sense.

Yeah. It's something that's hard to really overcome. You think you do- you think you overcome what's happened. And the expectation is that you've overcome it. Because of, you know- you're in a better place, you're not there anymore, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it's like, yeah- but, you know, there's still parts of you that are either triggered, or are still there. Or, you know, you forget about, and you don't realize, so yeah, it's a lot.

On Grief

Healing is definitely not linear. I mean, if you just take grief in general, right- you know, I've never had good examples of grief. My father passed away when I was 18. Which kind of, might have been that you know, segue, or access point into me being vulnerable to a situation where I could have experienced, or been impacted by domestic violence. And my mother wasn't a good example of grief when my father passed away. Because it was just like, Okay, you gotta, you know- No tears. We're fine. Let's, you know- let's go shop, let's go take care of business, let's go do what we have to do; let's clean, let's do this, let's do that. But not actually talking about, you know- you know, what happened or- or the pain, or the grief.

And then, obviously, you know, my experience took place over the course of maybe two, three years. I really- a lot of it is a blur. So I'm still trying to figure that out. But then, fast forward, you know, lots of deaths, lots of things that have occurred in my life. Family members, close people, um, suicides; lots of things. But, I think the tipping point, that has kind of started this non linear healing journey, um, was, um, a tragedy within our family, where my brother in- law and two of my three nieces, were killed in a house fire. And that kind of- kind of like, opened up a lot of gashes. A lot of hurt, and things that were unresolved and, things that have kind of, seeped into my being, and my bones, and my joints, and my muscles, and yeah. And it's just all starting to come out. This was in 2022, so it's been a roller coaster of eye opening conversations, jaw dropping- jaw dropping reflections. And it's been a lot.

Yeah, but it's all connected. They're all- you know, it's like that, you know, that spider web, um, or, you know, the- the untangling scenario, of a crochet or knitted sweater where, you know, just takes one pull. You know, it just takes one- one spark. It takes one- one, something to just ignite, or to unravel. However you want to look at it. Um, something that you thought was really cinched up, you know, and was really, Okay, I'm good, I'm all right- but you know, it's just, everything unravels. And it's happening while, you know, you're going through life, right. So I have a family, you know, I have two kids, and all of that is happening while I still have to, you know, work. Um, you know, have a business, take care of a house and family. So, all of these things are happening at the same time.

Yes, and healing- people don't realize how much, you know, grief and not acknowledging, and feeling your emotions impacts you. Not only you, as a person, but your body, right- we hold everything. So, you know, illnesses, um, inflammation- I have rheumatoid arthritis, I have osteoarthritis. So these are things that are- when I say they seeped into me, you know, they truly have. And I'm just now, starting to realize how much- how much pain it, uh, it has all inflicted.

On Sharing Their Story

Well, here's the challenge- it's hard to be supported when you don't speak on things, and when you don't share things. I mean, in general, just as my intersection as, you know, a black female, um, an artist, an empath, youngest child, and all those things- you know, you're kind of told to shut down, and not bring in outside things to, you know, anyone. You're not, you know, afforded the opportunity- or at least it appears that way, and seems to, um, be ingrained in you that, you know, 'Oh, don't share that, nobody wants to hear that'. You know, 'Well, we'll just keep that quiet, right?' Which is part of the reason why people kind of fall into these situations. So I guess, me not talking about it- I mean, if I talked about it more, would people listen? I don't know. But just thinking about, if you look at the grief aspect, and you look as a black person historically and socially, as you know, environmentally, when you're raised. You know, again, if you are experiencing anything, whether it's grief or pain or solitude, when you go into work, or you leave the house, you leave all that behind. You don't let anybody see it. You know, you go into, you know, the office, you go into school, whatever building you're in, and you put that smile on, you put that mask on, and you show that you are- you're good, you're Teflon- nothing's gonna cut through. You're all about business, you're tough, you're strong- quote, unquote.

But the reality is, we do need to share more. And we- I don't know if I have the strength to be vulnerable enough, which is why I'm here. But, we have to be- have the strength, and be vulnerable enough to share the things that we're going through. Because they are part of our experiences, and they are part of who we are. And they impact how we show up. They impact the decisions that we make. The company that we keep. All the actions that we do are, you know, driven by the experiences, pleasant or unpleasant, that we've been through. And talking about it is important. Um, but when you let things go for so long, where do you even begin? You know. How do you- having this, you know, life that is, you know, you're grateful for, and you're this beautiful and successful- compared to, how could I have been this person that had gotten into this situation?

On Support

Um, when I was in like, I'm sure my family knew. But I would, you know, 'I'm fine. Everything's great. I'm so happy. I'm getting married', all this other stuff- stupid stuff. Once I kind of realized I had to remove myself from that situation, I did have resources, but during it- which I think impacted the trust factor and probably why I was kept away from friends and family is that, [scoffs] he was sleeping with a lot of people that I thought were friends, right, that I thought were people that I could confide in.

I remember a couple of instances. One was, I went to a gala. I had been, you know, part of a sorority, and I went to a gala and, you know, I'm like, Oh, you know, I'm here and I'm with this guy, you know, my gosh, you're so cute. Everybody keeps staring at him, and us, and, you know, young, stupid stuff. But only come to realize, he had slept with like 10 of my sorority sisters, and they never said anything to me. Right. And then even to the point where I was working in higher- ed, you know, as an intern. And, um, my boss- who I thought was a friend and a confidant, I would talk to, you know, about, you know, different things- not a lot of detail, but just, you know, uncomfortable situations that I had been in. Come to find out, she was sleeping with him. It's like... So I never felt like I had a safe space. One of my best friends, we had a- because she had had a relationship with him. So, it's like all these people. I'm like, Oh my gosh! Which, to this day, I'm like, you know, I kind of want to have conversations with them, but at the same time, like, Oh, it's in the past.

But when I did finally get the courage, I will say, I'm not going to say 'come to my senses', I'm just going to say, when I finally got the courage- because people say, 'Oh, you finally came to your senses'- no. It's- it's not that. You have your senses, you have your facilities, but it's almost like, um, when the police officers throw tear gas, or smoke into a situation to diffuse the situation. It's like, you're just in a cloud of fog, you're in a cloud of... You don't have a gas mask on, so you need someone to provide that gas mask to you. And I remember contacting one of my aunts who is- who has passed, and, um, I don't remember what I said... I told her- I said, 'I need help'. You know, 'I'm in this, relationship and', you know, 'I'm being abused and', um, said 'I don't know who to talk to'. And, I didn't want to tell my mom, because I didn't want it to be a disappointment, or an embarrassment, for either of us. Of course, it's embarrassing if, you know, this happens, because you hear people talk about, 'Oh, did you hear about, you know, they're in this relationship, and the police had to be called'- you don't want to be that person.

But, um, you know, after telling my aunt, I finally had to tell my mother and my sisters, and they were very supportive. They always have been, but I still felt that distance that had been created that, um, it's almost like you can't get back that time. So, I continue to be this outsider because I still have that experience that nobody else has ever had, so they don't understand it.

You know, the support system was there, you know. I don't think I went to a therapist, but, I think it was just a matter of, Okay, you're out of that and you're done. Of course, that's not the case. Because there are still instances that you go back, just to see if that was really what was going on. Just to get answers to the questions- why? Just to understand, what was it? Was it me? Was it really me? Was I everything that you said? Was I this horrible person, you know? I was this ugly person that nobody needed to, you know, talk to. Yeah, and you don't realize how much domestic violence, um, again, impacts you. Like, even just thinking back to, you know, in my mind, different scenarios. I just realized how much was taken away from me. Not just physically, but, you know, emotionally, and just being able to- to cope, and handle certain situations and trust factors and everything else. So many different things have been- have been taken away. You know, it was my- my- you know, receptiveness or openness that welcome this and, you know, how do I trust myself again?

On Tools

I'm still finding those tools. I don't think I've really found anything that's really been 'me', you know. I- I struggle in the self care department. I struggle in the you know, 'make myself the priority' department. I struggle with a lot of that. But I'm hoping that I will overcome that struggle. Honestly, just- I mean, the biggest thing that's helped me is- is a loving relationship with my best friend that, you know, I've been married to for 24 years. Where he was my friend beforehand, um, my very best friend. And, we had a time gap because of this- that thing- that relationship, it was a relationship- it was a relationship. But, we were both vulnerable enough, and loved each other enough to come back to each other. It took a long time to open up about any of this, but that's helped tremendously. Um, just talking to him. And just him allowing me to talk, you know. He's not trying to solve anything. He's not trying to fix anything, I mean, he is, but you know, he still gets- he still feels as much pain- you know, obviously not comparatively, but he does feel as much pain as I have when it comes to this. That's really been helpful. I think that's really the one thing that's kind of gotten me over, because every time we have a conversation, I'm like, Oh, this is not right. I got it out. But, then we have another one and it's like, you know, it's worse than before. Um, but having that safe space that has been- that he's carved out for me, where I can share and emote, and he's not going to judge me. He's not going to question me. He's not gonna call me stupid or, you know, 'Why'd you do that?', you know. He's just there, um.

And I think that's all I can handle, right. I can't handle the writing it out. Clearly, I can't handle the talking of it. But for me, you know, just having someone that I can trust and, you know, knows a lot of me. You know, I- I feel like I'm- I'm segmented in my relationships. I compartmentalize myself when I'm with certain people. I have certain people that, you know, know different parts of my life story. But he's, you know, one of the two that knows everything of my life story. And I think that's really the thing that's- has helped me the most.

On Affirmations

Some of the affirmations that I hold dear, um are, you know, 'I am bright, brilliant and beautiful. I am loved. I love myself. I am special, unique, and filled with light'. Um, another affirmation is, um- which is sometimes difficult, but, um, 'I'm exactly where I need to be and what is for me is for me'. That one, I had to grow into. Because your experiences don't make up who you are. And what's been done to you, does not determine who you are.

So, I'm at a point now where I'm finding myself. And I remember- which is why affirmations are important to me- and we went to a, um, a medium, Reiki healer? He was a Reiki healer. But, one of the things that he said was, you know, as as we go through life, when experiences happen, we lose a piece of ourselves. And those pieces obviously create the holes in you. And something that's most important, is that you have to go back and gather up all of your pieces. So whether it's through meditation, or through daydreaming, or right before you go to sleep, you go back to those periods in your life that were haunting, tragic, traumatic, grief stricken, painful- all those pieces. And you go back to whatever age you were, whoever that was, and you find them. And you speak to them, and you tell them how much- you tell you how much you love yourself, and that you're safe. And you just pour into them. And then, you grab them up in a hug, and you drive away- walk away- whatever, from that situation, just so you can gather up all your pieces.

So I have been working to achieve the ability to gather as many pieces as I can, as things do come up. So if an affirmation triggers something, or if an experience triggers something, or if something does happen, I try and go back, and apologize to myself for whatever might have happened or might have become. And then I tell myself how much I love you, you know, and gather myself up. Gather up all my pieces. So, that's kind of the phase that I'm in right now. Still gathering, still finding everything. I think the biggest thing for me, is the time that I lost. Especially with our most recent tragedy, because I remember hmmm, when, um, my oldest niece- who passed away, was born. And, I was actually in my sister's apartment, with her and her husband. And she was in labor. But I don't think I- I equated that. I couldn't be bothered. I had- I had to go. I had to get out of there, because I had someplace to be, which I didn't have to be. And, you know, the person had kind of taken me from my family in a way, and blocked me in a way from my family. So, you know, I- I left. And the next thing I knew, my sister was in the hospital, having the baby. So then I had to figure out a way to get to the hospital, and just to see my niece. And even that was a limited time. And that's still really painful for me. Because there are lots of those little moments, where it's like, Wow, that was really- that was nasty. That was cruel, you know. And then I, you know, go through the beating myself up, and have to tell myself that you know, 'you didn't know, you're okay'. You know, 'you were- you did what- you know, you were there when you could be there. You were helpful when you could be there', but um, sometimes, I don't know what words to say to myself. So yeah, so some things are triggering, even the small things. Smells- everything. A lot of different things, like literally daily.

On Reclaiming

 Yeah, I just don't want to be sad anymore. I think that's the biggest thing. I just don't want to feel like I can't be excited and jubilant, right. I mean, I am. I have fun. I laugh, you know. I do all those things, but deep down in my core, just some- just feels like something's trapped in a cage that just needs to be- the cage needs to be shattered or something. So still trying to identify that.

Words of Care

 One thing I would tell someone that is healing from abuse is to, um, be patient with yourself. And give yourself grace. To tell them that they're not alone, and what they've been told is not true. I would tell them that they are strong enough to think about themselves, and to do what's right for them. I would tell them that, um, they were told many lies, that were not true, and they have to find the truth within themselves. And I would tell them that they have to listen to their intuition, because they know exactly what's going on. And with that strength, and that courage that they have deep down, they can- they can actually listen to what's- what they're telling themselves.

From Where I Speak

I speak as someone who is loved. And I speak as someone who has a giving heart. And I speak as someone who is an empath, and needs to recognize my own boundaries. I speak as a mother, who wants to protect her children from everything. I speak as a wife, and a friend, who feels that they've hurt the person closest to them. I speak as someone who has a lot to offer. I speak as someone that is afraid of disappointment. I speak as someone who is afraid of vulnerability, and showing their true self. I speak as someone who has experienced so much loss, but also doesn't know how to talk about it, or come out of the grief. I speak as someone who has a lot to offer, and really wants to help a lot of people, but sometimes struggles finding her own voice, but can easily offer advice and comfort to everyone except herself.