On Survivor Identity

 So survivor to me, just means overcome, something that you've overcome for sure.

On Grief

Grief is a, it's a real thing. And I think we don't realize it until you're in it, until you're in this process and you are on this journey of survivorship and because there's things that you might miss

And you'll think about good times, you'll think about the things and then sometimes thinking about it, it'll make you smile. And so other times it'll you thinking about it, it'll make you cry because you think- How? Why? All those questions.

And then, I know for me, sometimes thinking about the good, I've smiled, but, I still grieve even with a smile because it's like, okay, this is no longer. So, yeah, I'm processing it, this thought is there because I need to process it and then I have to move on, but it's not always so easy to just be like, "Alright, let's get over it." Dealing with it in the moment, and then sometimes the moment after that, and like having to bring yourself out of it. I know for me my faith has helped a lot. A lot. To be able to rely on certain scripture, or just God in general for me.

Focusing on what happened all the time wasn't and isn't good for me. I needed something else to like- okay, I can get through this, but not putting it at the forefront of my mind every single day, although it is hard sometimes. Cause you'll think about it and depending on how fresh it may be or how, you know, it's still something that, I've been through so not to ignore at all, but just finding the best way to maneuver through it.

And I think even for me still navigating that. And moving through the grief and allowing myself to really feel things and then get through it. Like, okay, well, why do I feel this way? And yeah, digging, digging, digging deep.

On Support

So my mom, she's very supportive. However, sometimes I think she's supportive to the point where it's not still not in the way that I need it, only because I've been through it. So I'm like, okay, well, this is really what I need. I need this at this moment, but also learning how to communicate that as well so that she knows or friends know or whoever. Because if not, you can tend to bottle things up because people don't understand or they've never been through what you've been through.

So in those moments, sometimes I'll just journal. And kind of write out how I'm feeling so I'm not bottling it up, if that makes sense. Even if I don't feel at the time, okay, I want to talk to someone. And sometimes I do. But I try not to overshare, if that makes sense. So yeah, the journal has been very helpful for me. Just to write out what I'm feeling or even if I tried to have a conversation, but it didn't go the way that I anticipated it or maybe I would have liked it to.

Sometimes it's just, you just wish they would just understand. But they just don't, you know, yeah, it's, it's like, hear me, see me and just sometimes just allow me to talk. Sometimes I don't even need an advice or something. I just need to get this out because it's been so long where I haven't been able to express. So yeah, just, just wanting to be definitely heard and seen sometimes. but also not wishing it on anyone.

Trauma bonding for me is linking up with people that have also maybe gone through a similar thing or the same thing simultaneously, but not striving to maneuver through the trauma, if that makes sense, I've linked up with people and we're just talking, hours, and hours, and hours, and literally draining myself.

 I used to wonder, like, why I was so tired after and I realized it was because I had linked up with another traumatized person and we were just talking about experiences after experiences, because they were so similar that I wasn't putting anything back into me. Right? So there was me leaving myself dry and empty from talking about it. And then going back to the very thing that was also making me feel empty. So there was just an empty feeling all over.

So that for me is trauma bonding. And it's, it's not fun. It's not. Because as much as it's nice to link up with other people, I think also being mindful of who and why

On Affirmations

 So like, One that I used to say to myself, that I didn't really believe is that I wasn't smart. So I added in there that I am smart, because I think sometimes, we can get lost in however long this abuse has happened that we don't really know what we look like, what ourself is. So trying to find it can be hard, but really I think remembering what, what was bad is not necessarily a bad thing because you can reverse it.

So me being like, okay, you're too emotional. That was one thing that I heard, now- No. My emotion is my strength. I'm a crier. I, I cry, I will cry when I'm angry, I'll cry when I'm happy or whatever, but I've told myself, you're not too emotional, you're just a crier, and that's okay. Crying is my strength. I feel better when I cry, I feel peace when I cry.

So, reversing the negative thing with the positive thing, for me personally. And then, Like I said, I added in there. I used to feel like I wasn't beautiful. So adding in I am beautiful or I am smart, just all those negative things and taking it into a positive because I think we don't realize that those negative things is either things we've told ourselves or things other people have told ourselves. So now negating that. And declaring a new thing, affirming a new thing, even if you don't know what to say, it can just start with what you do like about yourself, finding it, which I said can be hard, but just something like. Oh, I like the way that I do this or I like the way that I do that and start there and it'll build.

So I think just starting somewhere, for sure, with the affirmations, they definitely help, or finding your thing. Everyone is different. Everyone's healing journey, everyone's process is different. So finding that thing that says like, okay, this is like that devotional helped me a lot. Scripture has helped me a lot. But it could be, I'm looking at this water, and if I'm, this is my safe and peace place. How does this resonate with me? And picking out something from that, that maybe reflects you. If you're looking at yourself, what do you see?

On Sharing Their Story

I think one thing that I'm learning now, is that, that's only a part of the story, but the story is still being written. Like your story. My story. I've endured a lot with domestic violence and- but I've endured a lot being a survivor, even just only for what me is a short time.

Own your, I have this shirt on, it says own your growth. It's something that now, that I live by, because every single day there's something I feel like that I'm learning, something outside of what I've been through.

So yeah, yeah, healing has been, it's, it's been a process. It's, it's been a process. Sometimes it seems never ending. Sometimes it feels like, like exactly what you were in, like you'll never be done or like you'll never get out. But there's always something that I can find to be hopeful on, whether it's something that someone says to me, something I think to myself, because just remembering where I was and where I am now, there's hope.

On Affirmations

I would tell myself all of the positive things that I know now, the things that I felt were negative about myself, what I didn't like about myself, I would go talk to that girl and tell that girl that you're not any of those things and you don't have to settle for less than what you deserve, that you're going to help save a life one day, whether you realize it or not. And I would tell myself those things, but you know, I don't have too many regrets, I would say, me personally, because no one deserves to go through domestic violence, at all. No one deserves it. But I do think that for me, I'll say for me, all of what I went through was for a deeper purpose. And even if I don't know what it is now.

I'm still figuring it out, but figuring it out has, has been its own journey and own story in itself, but it's been fulfilling. It's been fulfilling.

On Sharing Their Story

I share when I want to share or when I feel it's necessary, I'm actually pretty comfortable sharing, even if it's not specific details, but just like what I've been through, it's definitely something that I've learned to not be ashamed of because again, it's a part of the story.

So yeah, I've shared, I felt like it was needed or, you know, to the ones close to me. And sometimes people that are not that I've out, if I feel led to share it with them, then I'll share it. And then keeping some things, you know, under wraps until further notice, you know, until I feel like, okay, I can share this part now, or I can share that always making sure that I'm honest with myself, which has been not the easiest to be honest with yourself on this journey to see, you know, how you're really feeling, not taking away the healing that you've done, but also being like, are you really okay with this?

Are you really okay with this as you move along? So, because healing is honesty. With ourselves and with, you know, even the people around us when we're ready. It's definitely those phases of how much you want to share and how much you- you keep to yourself, but eventually releasing it all, I think,

On Reclaiming

I'm reclaiming peace, reclaiming joy, reclaiming all the things that I thought that I wasn't.

Reclaiming power over myself, over my thoughts, over my being and what I want to do, because that is something that I definitely felt like I lost like power and control over myself and never wanting anyone to have more control over myself than I do ever again. Yeah, reclaiming and also figuring out, I would say, because there's a part of me that likes to think that I'm reclaiming the girl that I was before the abuse, but now I just want to be better than the girl before the abuse, because there were some parts of her that were still broken, which is why, you know, she maybe suffered, not maybe suffered some of the things that, you know, I went through. So just coming out healing and better, stronger. And knowing that I was never not those things, but it's definitely helped me to see, I'm not my circumstances. I'm not broke- the broken pieces that are in me. And I'm just not a bunch of the negative things that I may tell myself, I'm not that. So definitely reclaiming all that.

Yes. And just you, yourself, identity. Your own identity. My own identity, I would say, for sure. Reclaiming that. And knowing who I am. And it's something I'm still figuring out. But the parts that I do know are amazing. Because, again, I lost sight of that. So it feels good to reclaim that. 

On The Healing Journey

It is a, it's not linear at all. It's not just a straight and narrow. It is a roller coaster. It, you know, one day you're up, one day, it feels really good, you would just have like, all this joy and energy. And sometimes it's not even just day by day. It's a moment to moment type of thing. There could be something that will trigger you and you're like, Whoa, what just happened? Even if you don't know where the trigger came from or, um, whether it's a show, a song or anything, right? Just throughout the day, a thought, someone else speaking or whatever it may be. So it's definitely an up and down kind of thing. So, just taking it day by day, but sometimes moment by moment. It's like, we've talked about a lot at Willow, just finding something positive about the day overall, and not letting one feeling or one thought or one action dictate the rest of the day or your journey.

Because sometimes it can feel like, because it's so up and down that you're not making any progress, but really that is the process. It just doesn't seem like it. It seems so hard sometimes. I'm like, am I really healing? Am I as far as I've come? But then something will come up and I'm like, oh, okay. I didn't feel like I felt before. Or sometimes, I feel the exact same way. But just knowing that, not, trying to not let it defeat me, because, it's okay, you didn't get it this time, but maybe next time, and if not, okay. Giving yourself grace, for sure, is something I've had to remind myself of. I've heard it so much, give yourself grace, give yourself grace, so now, reminding myself, like, give yourself grace. It is okay if you saw this person or you watched this and you couldn't get through it without crying. It's okay.

On The Healing Journey

Actually, as I've been on my healing journey, realizing how many people I'm actually helping without trying to help them. Like, even if I just share a little something and people will be like, you have no idea how much that just helped me.

I just feel like that, with survivors, it's just a thing of you can feel like your own process is taking so long and sometimes don't even know how you're getting through your own process that the mere thought of helping someone else is like, What? It's like, No way. But yeah, I actually just spoke a message. It's like I said, I'm big on my faith, on healing. And I had to ask that. I'm like, how in the world am I talking about healing right now? And I'm still going through it. But it was that very thing, and that very reason that just because you're going through something doesn't mean that you can't help someone else. And it doesn't make your story in vain. You may not know all of it, but you speak on what you do know, not what you don't.

One of them I said, which is healing is honesty. So being honest with ourselves, because I believe that when we're not honest with ourselves, then we're not honest with the people around us. And we just put on like a facade. And I know for me, I tried that version of healing when I was just putting on a facade and I wasn't actually doing the work. And that's another thing, that healing is doing the work. It looks different for everyone. So that was one of the things that I want, a declaration that I make is that everyone's healing journey is different. So I don't have to measure mine with someone else's or how they got through it, because the tools are there from people that, even me, and whoever- whoever hears this and whoever this helps, that it's, it's going to look different. It's meant to look different because we all need different things and we all want different things. You know, there's nothing exactly like, you know, you that were like, Oh yeah, this, this, this. No. Cause we were all designed different, we're wired differently. Healing is a unique process.

Healing is forgiveness at some point and not always just forgiving the people that did things to us, but forgiving ourselves. And I know that's something that I am still working on. When I first said it, like, I forgive me, I broke down. Because it's so hard to forgive yourself for what you may have allowed or for the things that you thought about yourself, which led you to a certain point. But healing is forgiveness, and forgiveness is attainable. Even though we think it's so far away, it's not. It just starts with those, those little steps.

I also said that healing is trusting. So finding someone or something that you trust to get you along through your process. It's hard. It can be a hard thing because dealing with abuse, that's when you, I found myself not to trust people, but even, I don't trust you, but I'm still putting trust in you. So it's such a hard thing, but finding that thing that you know you can stand solid on and giving yourself grace because trusting is hard. It's hard when you've been through so much, but it's trusting. Healing is finding- finding that way to start to trust yourself, to start to trust others.

Healing is, um, settling your cup. So a lot of times we pour out from a cup that is empty. And so we have to allow ourselves to settle ourselves, settle our souls, our minds, to fill it with positive things and to fill it with healing things, things that- and that again, that looks different for everyone. For me, it was my faith, so to sit and really allow, you know, God to really pour into me and say, I need to show you this, this is what you need to do. So settling that cup and not, um, ready to hear so much from the opinions of others or thinking so much about the opinions of others, or seeking validation and all of those things, but to really settle and say, what do I want for myself? What does this look like for me? And just settling it and not having to pour out right away, but settling it until I call it overflow to where I have everything that I need and I have- and even if it's not everything, I have enough that I need that now, okay, I can do this or I can help this person.

Cause I know, abuse is something where you- you start to feel selfish. I know for me, I had felt selfish about things that I shouldn't have felt selfish for because that was just what I needed. That was the self care that I needed. That was what I needed to take care of myself. It's like getting the proper nutrients for your bodies and if not, it shuts down. So eventually, pouring from an empty cup, it gets tiring, it gets draining, and it gets to a point where you just can't do it anymore, you know, you need that filling. So healing is settling your cup. It is essential. No matter what you've gone through in life, it's so essential. It brings you to that, your, your better self, that you thought that like, Oh, that's not there, it is, it is, it is, it is in the healing journey, and that is what I'm finding out for myself.

Everyone's healing journey is different. Their process is different. And even that, like, I remember researching the different things and what healing is. And it was, the definitions of all these things, breaking it down as I was speaking, and even the word "process", it said actions or a series of steps. So even that, like, little part for me was like, okay, actions, it's not just one, it's multiple, and even steps, and it's not a sprint, it's not a run, it's not a, like, it is literally one foot in front of the other.

And so I like to think of that picture, I don't know, there's this picture that I've seen since I was a kid, my grandmother used to have it in her house. And it was these steps, like, walking along the beach. And I think of that to think, okay, there's a light, there's a path, right, that has steps, but there's just one foot in front of the other. It doesn't have to be a leap or a hop or even a- a- a gallop. It is literally, you just, you walking this thing out.

And that's how I like to think about it, because if I get too ahead of myself, I get overwhelmed, I get fearful because I don't know where I am. Um, so I've had to again, settle that, settle my cup and be like, listen, give yourself some grace and know that you do not have to be over this so fast. Cause that was a thing for me. I felt like, well, I'm not getting over it fast enough. Well, who says that you have to get over it fast? Who says that you have to be done? And that's when it comes to too, not listening to what other people said, especially if, um, they haven't gone through what you've gone through because they just don't know how that feels, you know.

Um, and I know people want the best for you, they really do, but what's best for you is to take your time and to go at your pace and not look at the other people around us, because sometimes, it gets cloudy. And although we've been through similar things with domestic violence, it's still different. So, it's just all so different. So, again, not putting a measure on it. There's no ingredient. There's no specific ingredient to healing, I think. I think you put your own ingredients in there, and at the end, you have something wonderful. You have a whole person. Not even just a healed person, but a whole person. Someone that's whole in your soul.

And I think of it as becoming, we're all becoming, we are all becoming something. And, it's just up to you what you want to become and what, you know, how it's going to go, because even, you know, five years from now, there's something I may need to heal from, but it's okay, it's okay, I won't be where I was now. So just ever- forever evolving and just really growing and owning it, like, listen, this is where I am now and just continue to turn the page when there's nothing left on there.

It is lifting each other up, not comparing, but saying, you got this and so do I, even if it looks different from how you're- from how I'm doing it, you're still doing it, so give yourself so much credit for that because I know that was for me. I'm like, ah well, you're doing it though. And there's still someone that's not, but maybe they don't have the courage. Maybe they don't have- they don't have, you know, the fight. And it's okay. They'll look at you, or me, or whoever, and say, Well, she's doing it, and I know it may not be the same, but I can do that too. Because I think that's the goal too, right? For people that are hearing this, it's like, I can do that too. And it doesn't matter where you are in your process. You can do it too. Just your own way.

From Where I Speak

I speak as someone who has been fearful a lot of her life to try new things, to be really who I want to be based off of other people.

I speak as the insecure girl. Yeah.

I speak as the middle child. [laughs]

And I speak as, I speak as the healing parts of me now, as the girl who felt neglected earlier in life, felt not seen, abandoned.

On Words of Care

I would say to a person who is working to heal, that your healing is not in vain and to endure the process, although it may seem very hard. Cause some days it is, sometimes it is, but it's so worth it. And it's so necessary for what you want to be and all that you've- all that you will be, right? Cause we're who we are now, but there's so much growth in us and in healing.

There's so much growth, there's freedom, there's liberty, there's joy, there's happiness, you know, all the things that we feel like we may have lost, it's there- we just have to find it, and we just have to keep climbing our way through. It's like a little hole, like digging your way through. And facing the hard truths, facing the ugly things, even about ourselves, not just that person. But I believe that healing is really- is for us, is for us. This is for us- for sure, and for our souls and for our minds just to be free from all of those things and to navigate through what happened. And that can be a painful thing, but really diving into that so that you, on the other side, knows exactly what to do, how to maneuver as life goes on because that's- life will go on.