On Survivor Identity

 Um, I believe I am a survivor. Survivor is when anything happens to you- that you're able to adapt. Like basically, live life to the fullest, even though you have those scars and those traumas that happen to you, but you get up every day, smile, and then you go to work and you take care of the kids, and you're still able to, you know, like, live an adult life as a woman. So that's why I feel like the survivor is that strength that you just can keep going no matter what happened in the past.

On Disenfranchised Grief

My family, I would say, wasn't very supportive. I actually don't have anybody to support me through the things I've been through. So, I had to basically find people outside. Like, there's support groups, there's co- workers, there's people that went through what you went through. Even though I did have family that went through that, they just wasn't there. They wasn't there. And they choose sides, and sometimes they- it's like, I know there's sides to every story, but they kind of chose a different side. And I thought they would be here with me. So I was grieving by myself, you know what I'm saying? So, I try to find someone that is like, kind of similar to what I'm going through in the grieving process. That made me- just make it a little better, I guess.

I wish my mom- because I was close with her, well, I thought I was close, but no. And then, she had, um, experienced domestic violence as well so I thought maybe she will understand more, but she kind of didn't. And that surprised me, you know. And it made me kind of feel upset and sad at the same time, but also I felt sorry for her. I think maybe she needs to heal in order to see reality, like what's- what it really is. That's the sad part about it.

On Grief

 So like, I'm reading right now because I'm kind of strong, but there's times I grieve. It's like my son's birthday or like holidays- things I used to do with a certain person that I'm not doing. So that brings on that grief a little bit, but, you know, you just keep going. But I learned that I do grieve around those times, but my kids may not know it, but it's- they always like, 'Oh, you're so strong. You're so easy. Oh, you're this. You're that'. They would never know it, is because I try hard to like, you know what I'm saying, to get through it. The, I guess it's the strength.

On Support

I knew I needed support because like, kind of like crying- I was in depression. And I'm like, this is not me. Just depressing. Just like, I was down in myself, I was always angry. So I reached out to Willow, for a counselor at first. That got me a little more confidence and more things, and then me being in counseling kind of helped me with those steps to get out. So Willow was the first one.

And then something happened with my son, is when I put an end to that and then I start reaching out for more help. For resources, to get a, uh, like a house, clothing, resources for, um, anything like, um, I even did CPS, YWCA, I reached out to everybody and I got knocked down so many times, because everywhere was full. Cause I'm like in a shelter, so everywhere was full- everywhere. I did not give up, I called every number. I really call every resource, every resource was out there, I called it. And then, you know, what do you know, a YWC call and say, yeah, we got a spot and we could take your kids in and yeah, it took a long time though. It took a while to get those resources because even though the resources are out there, they have to accept you.

And I had money, I had a good job, had- I had money in the bank. They're not going to help you if you have money. So me, calling resources, that's like, 'Well, if you're- if you have money, then you- you know, you have enough to live in an apartment'. I'm not in an apartment, in a hotel room, so I was staying in a hotel room. And I had to empty my whole bank account for them to help me, you know. So that was a hard time right there. Yeah.

So I left in May and I stayed in the hotel room for about three, four days. And then that's when I got placed in the house. Yeah.. So it took four days. I had to empty that account. I'm like, listen, I got bills that's coming up and said, 'No, they will not help- they will not help you with the cash'. I'm like, wow, that's crazy. And I had to quit my job. I mean, I have a job now, but I had to quit my job. It's like you had to go through all those steps just to get help, you know.

It's so funny. You take a step to get out for that freedom from that domestic violence, right? But, you have these resources out, you have to meet their standards to get help. So if you don't have those standards to get help, who else is going to help you? If you- especially if you don't have family or anything. Even if you left the relationship, you know what I'm saying, the abuse relationship, you still got to meet their standards to get the help.

On Support (Shelter)

It's pride, like I don't want to live in a shelter, I don't want my kids seeing me live like this. I don't want help. Nobody wants help. You know? Everybody want to do it themselves, everybody want to make it their- self and they're- they're like afraid to not have money. They're afraid to not have things, you know. It's the pride.

But you got to think, this is just a step, this is- it's not going to be like this forever. This is just a step that you took to get out of a certain situation. You're only like that- you're only without money, you're only without- you're only staying in a shelter because you were in an abusive relationship that you left. You had all those things.

You can always get those things back. So that's what I had to think. Those things are just things. Money can go, can go and you can make some more money, get another job. It's fine, you know? Yeah. And then a lot of people think of bills. 'Oh, I got this bill, got this bill. Oh my God, what am I going to do?', they panic. But, you just stay calm and just like, look, I'm gonna pay my bills when I get a job, just let them know, you know? And then you just move forward.

I like, advocate for myself. I'm the type of person that's like, 'okay, I got to do this, I got to make sure I do this. Okay. I got to do this. Make sure the kids do this. Make sure I do this. Make sure I do that'. Yeah. And then I do it. They always say, 'Oh, you're- you're-' what they call me, um, 'a go- getter. You're such a go- getter.' But yeah, just the experience, it's just, you know, it has been a journey.

On Sharing Their Story

Through Willow, because I'm in a support group, so we go around the group and tell each other's story. And then they can help you, or I can help, like we kind of help each other, on our experiences. It's crazy because all of us went through the same thing, but it's different stories. That's the- that's the crazy part about it. But when it all boils down, it's still say, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, but it's still abuse. So, if she went through that, and she went through something different, she can tell- kind of help me how to get out of a certain situation, or how to feel, and the same vice- vice versa as I'm telling them what to do, you know what I'm saying?

It helps because all that stuff that you um, kind of hiding inside, and you just letting it out. It feels so much better to hear it, it's like you got to hear it. And then someone has to listen at the same time as they're healing about the same situation. So it's like, it's like you got to hear it, and then you got to hear somebody else hear it. And then, it's like they can give you feedback, or they can give you, um, their experience, and then you don't feel alone. And then you also- so it feels like, 'Okay, I'm not- I'm not alone on this and I also share my story'. So it's- it's like you feel so much better just getting it out and then hearing that someone else went through what you've been through. It feels like, so good.

A lot of survivors are scared in the beginning. And fear can stop you from doing a lot of things, from- stop you from going outside, stop you from shopping, stop you from going to certain areas because you know that person is there. And I will say about that is, um, to get past the fear is, um, just talk to someone. Talk to a counselor, um, like I go to church, so I always pray, but not everybody, you know, is religious like that, but talk to someone. And tell them your story, tell them your story, tell them what you went through. Do that constant. Like, make it a habit, and that fear will go. The more you tell your story, the more that you open minded to people, each person, then the fear goes. It leaves. It- it's so weird that it- it's not- it's not going to leave right away, but it does. It just takes time once you start healing because you have to heal once all that healing starts and then you won't be scared because I used to be scared to come to Rochester, and I'm here so. But you know what, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You know what I'm saying? I'm doing this for my kids. I'm going to live my life. He's in the past. I'm moving forward. Positive. Let the negative go, and go with the positive. Yeah. And then you'll be okay.

On The Healing Journey

 The most surprising? That I can- that I can get out and do it. That was surprising. Like, oh my god, you know how you hear it from, 'Why are you still there? What are you doing? What is that? I would have been did this', or 'I would have been did that', and then when you get out, it's like, wow. This time always do this- this time this year I was doing this, or over there. And that's what- when I- when I do it like that, the dates, then I'm like, 'Wow! I'm so proud of myself because I would have been still there', you know what I'm saying, it's- that's what makes you keep going like, 'Wow, I was doing this then'. So I grew as a person, you know what I'm saying? And those boundaries you get like, okay, I know I'm not going to deal with this anymore, so you just keep going and then you know what to look for next time.

Words to Self

 Look at the first sign. There's always first signs, and love yourself more. You are better. You're better. You're just so much better than that. You can do better. You have- you're so smart, so strong, powerful woman, that you do not have to be there, and he doesn't deserve you. That's what I would have said.

It was the confidence thing, but I'm gaining that back, because you lose confidence. You don't think you're good enough. You don't think you're pretty. You don't think your- your weight matter, how your hair matter, how you look matter. It's all that matter. And then now, I'm working on, 'Hey, you don't need those stuff. You don't need this to be pretty. You don't need that to be smart. You're smart. You're strong. You're this. You're that. You're brave'. So that's- that's what I would say about that, because I'm like, before I didn't feel like that.

Words of Care

To keep your head up. And yes, it might feel like this now, but you will get- you'll get that confidence enough, and that strength. And one day, you will leave, like you are not going to stay there that long. It's so weird, when you're in that situation, you don't feel strong at all. You feel like nobody's for you, everybody's against you, you feel all that. Until you let that part go and become strong. Sometimes being strong is going out there, and go get your nails done by yourself. Your self care. Once you start doing a little more self care, and then you will build that confidence, then that's when you're like, 'Okay, I don't need him. I'm about to go'. You know, it takes that though. You gotta- you gotta do that self care. You have to, or it's just like, you'll be stuck in one spot and will not- like, it's like, you're in a prison and you'll stay there. If you don't take care of yourself and do that self care or do that alone time, that's when you can think what's really going on. Like, you can see the whole picture that you know you ain't supposed to be there.

Words of Care

One thing I would tell someone that's healing from abuse is, you are beautiful, you are strong, and you can do anything you want to do. To keep that- basically you could do anything you want to do- to put your heart to it. And no one controls your life, you control your life. Whatever you- whatever talent you have, go seek it, because life is like, too short. It's- and it could be beautiful if you make it like that.

From Where I Speak

I speak as being a mother. A strong mother, that survived through domestic violence, that worked hard for her kids, worked hard for herself. Also, got a job doing it on her own with no help, and she still made it through the whole- the rough times, you know. Still made it through the rough times, and she's still standing.

The Story of Domestic Violence (Children)

 my kids is like, my motivation. I have to be strong for them. They're all- we're happy. So it's like, you know, that- that was the best- like when my kids say that, it's like, oh, I made the best choice. Cause they felt like how I felt. And it was different for them, but then they adapt to it and- and then they see the strength in you, so. When they see the strength- when your kids see the strength in you, then it change their whole mind. And then it's like, 'Oh, okay, my mom got this. Okay. My mom doing this for us'. They start to see like, 'Okay, my mom is- oh, she's doing this, so she's strong. Oh, she's got this', you know. So, and I got a daughter, so. She always say, 'Oh mom, you're so great. You're such a good mom. You have so much-' what she called me, she said, 'You have so much patience. I don't know no person that has so much patience'. Listen, I pray. I- I do self care, and I put on a smile every day, I get up and I keep moving is what I do.