On Survivor Identity 

Um, first thing that came to mind is just living life, you know, just existing. I think, I identify as 'survivor' in that- doing work with survivors, I'm like, oh yeah, that's me, but I never would have thought that prior. I would just be like, hey, I'm just living my life.

Support

Most of my experience as a survivor in the relationship, and out of it, has not felt super validated. I don't know if I would say supported though, because I got support in the way people were able to give support. But I don't think people get how to give support in a way that's helpful. I think there's a lot of, 'Oh, the relationship ended, so now things are good'- and that's not the case. Or there's a lot of, like, 'Yes, this is a bad thing, you shouldn't do this'- but when you're in it, you know it's bad, but you can't not do it.

I will say that I had a friend who did not ever say, 'Leave this relationship', and after the fact, she goes, 'I knew you would when you could'. So that was helpful. I think that the support that would have been most helpful would be, 'Hey, here's what I see, let me know what you need', versus, 'Yep, that's abuse, what are you gonna do?'. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I wish there was more awareness of abuse in younger relationships. I was in my 20s, so everybody's like, oh you're in your 20s, everybody's learning, but that doesn't mean it's not abusive.

On Disenfranchised Grief

I think I grieved the relationship before I ended the relationship. So that helped me end the relationship. There were some things leading up to me leaving, that I found myself checking out. When it came time to re- sign a lease, I said no, but didn't end the relationship. So I think that was more of a black and white version of grief for me. And I think that was how I, like I said, ended the relationship. But then grieving the relationship, I don't know if I did.

I don't think I let myself, until years later. I got into a new relationship quickly, but I did that because I grieved it while I was still in it. But even now, six and a half years later, there's still moments where I'm like, Hmm, I probably should have thought through that, or felt that more, or experienced that.

But then I'm like, Oh, is that a flashback? Is that just a memory? You can't grieve every memory. You can't grieve every aspect until you don't, until it comes up. You don't know what you don't know. Until you need to know it. When you're in fight or flight, you don't have room for anything else. So even leaving the relationship, finding new normals, still in fight or flight, still trying to decompress.

Grief could have- still could be, a bigger piece of it for me. When I was in it, getting ready to leave, and shortly after, you know, when you do things and people are like, 'Oh, what are your goals? How do you picture your day?', whatever. I always just said, 'I want to feel peace. I want to feel tranquility, comfort.' So I think me working to build that in my life was my grieving process.

On Sharing Their Story

I don't know if I've shared my experience really that much. I'll share bits and pieces like- oh yeah, my ex did this- oh, yeah, I was in an abusive relationship, but I've never like, sat down and told someone the story of it, and I think that would help. But going back to earlier statements, I felt like I didn't have the support, so I feel like there weren't the people to share that with.

If I were around other survivors, I think that would be so healing. And then, I'm just like, a lot of the people, right now, who I would think to share it with, were with me while I was in it, so they know bits and pieces, and then I'm like, well, I don't want to keep harping on that. I don't know if 'harping' is the right word, but... revisiting.

On The Healing Journey

I am a very insightful person, and I'm way too in tune with my feelings to a point that I intellectualize them. And because I know why they're happening, I don't actually deal with them. So I can look at anybody and say, 'Yes, I've been through this, and this was awful, and this sucked, and this is all the ways it impacted me', but I'm not going to actually tell them what the feelings were, and how the feelings got into my day to day.

And that has been how I've coped with an abusive relationship, right? In it, out of it, all the things. So, I think now that I have homeostasis, now that I have a safe place, it's like- okay, let me reflect on how I got there. And that's where my healing is- is in that reflection, in that, Oh, that was a really dark time, and I've had dark times since, and they're very different. And knowing that that's okay. I'm like, the counselor side of me is coming out right now- knowing that that's okay, to have feelings and to know that days are not always going to be good. And sometimes what feels like a step back, that's not what it is. You're just a human. Can't control your feelings. You control how you respond to them.

On The Story of Domestic Violence

I think anxiety was one of the biggest ones, but for me, I get anxious when I'm angry. I don't think I had any shame. I don't have any shame now. I always knew that it wasn't me. I always knew that it was him and he was him. And I think that's because I had known him since I was 14 years old. So I knew that that's who he was. I knew that when we started a relationship. And I think that's where the anger comes in. Because when I started talking to him again, before we got into an official relationship, I texted my friend. Cause last time I was, like, flirting with him, I told her to make sure I never dated him. And then I did, and she told me that, and I said, 'Eh, he's different now'. So I knew that. So, I think anger around me knowing that, but no- no shame.

And like, I knew that's who he was, but I didn't know how bad it could be. And this was someone that I knew for a long time. He just knew that I was feeling feelings. And we started dating. And, as most abuse, right, it starts in, I'm gonna throw out all the psychology terms, that honeymoon phase, that cycle of abuse, all of this stuff.

But there are certain things that I'm like, Wow, that was silly, that he would say or do. And then we got in a fight over like, loading the dishwasher or something, and that was the first time where I was like, are all these fights, like all these fights are silly.

I got in a car accident once. He knew that. It wasn't bad. He knew it wasn't bad, but he didn't answer my phone call. Didn't come pick me up. Like, all of those things, and I was- those things were adding up. And I was like, he's not picking me up because of the fight we got in the night before. And then, there were two, like, moments where I was like, okay, this is when I gotta go.

He used to drink. Sometimes a lot, sometimes not a lot. And I know, two separate things, right? Drinking and abuse are not the same thing, but we know they exacerbate each other. So he used to drink, and he was really drunk once, and he said if I ever cheated on him, he could kill me, and would know how to get away with it. And after that night, I was like, I'm not close with him anymore. Like, I am not going to be vulnerable, or open, or anything.

 And, like, now, years later, like, what if I hadn't? What if I hadn't? I think that's the hardest part. I think that's where the grief- I haven't had that grief. But like, what if? I'm like moving from that.

It's sad because I'm like, Wow, that was my life- but it's also like, Wow, I- the life I live is so different now. And I'm so grateful for that, and I know for some people that's not the case, and it's hard to get to that point. And sometimes, because I'm in such a different place, I forget how hard it was to get there.

On Advocacy Work

I am in the field, right- whether it's with survivors or not, I feel like my empathy is there regardless. But, I think when survivors come to me- I would not have been able to work with survivors fresh out of college, in the relationship, fresh out of the relationship. I think it's serendipitous how I got the job when I got the job. But I think it definitely gives me a level of patience that maybe other people wouldn't have. A level of that trauma informed care that maybe, is missing elsewhere. Or even just an understanding of- it's not just deciding to leave and then leaving. Which I know we all say that, and we can rationalize that, but like I said, that level of understanding, I think, is different.

I think in my previous job there were absolutely things that triggered me. Currently, I think it's- there are things that spark a memory, but then I remember the work I did to get to where I am. And honestly, if I have a session like that, or if I meet with someone who says something that reminds me of something, I think about my bed, and how every morning I just wake up and look out my window. I'm like, this is what I did. Or I'll text my partner and say, Hey, really grateful for you today. Things like that. So yeah, sparks memories- I don't think trigger anymore.

On Affirmations

It's not so much an affirmation. For me, to empower myself, it's more the gratitude for the things. Even on really awful days. It's like, okay, but what felt good today? Like the other day I was walking, I was literally walking up the steps in my house, I was like, hey, this is a house that I really like. Like something like that. Or my flowers are dying, but I had flowers and I got to smell them yesterday. Like things like that. I think those are the things that keep me empowered, or keep me going. And I think that comes along from my healing process.

I don't like asking the people I work with in the moment, 'What are you grateful for? Tell me something good that happened today', things like that, cause when you're in it, you don't see it. So when I was in it, I did not have an affirmation, I did not have a mantra, I did not have something that got me through, other than, it's not going to be this way forever. Like something's going to be different eventually. And I think that's just what I remind myself. Something will be different eventually. And I'll just remember, I really liked smelling the flowers. Because if you ask me what I'm grateful for, on my worst day, I'm going to say, 'Absolutely nothing, ask me tomorrow'.

On Tools

I think what's been helpful for me, honestly, has been yoga. So I started towards the end of this relationship, and I practiced daily for a long time after the relationship. I think because it got me in my body, and it got me to the emotions that my brain wouldn't let me get to. I ended the relationship when I was in my teacher training and I don't think I would have gotten through that breakup, if I didn't have my teacher training, or that rigorous of a yoga practice. Um, because I didn't cry. The only time I would cry was in Half Pigeon, honestly. Um, so for me, yoga- generally, movement. Currently, journaling. But, not prompted journaling, very intentional journaling. And now I have to sit down and force myself to do. And I'll bring my journal with me almost everywhere I go, because if I have a regimented journal practice, I'm not going to do it. I have to do it when I need to, right? So, those two things I think have been most helpful for me. And routine. I need a routine. I want my routine to look like waking up and just sitting in bed for a minute. Making coffee, sitting outside drinking my coffee. Listening to all the birds. Just slow mornings are the biggest part of what I want my routine to be like. And early bedtimes. I would like a bath every night, not just because it's frivolous and luxurious, but because that water is so comforting. Home cooked meals all the time would be my routine. Walking, petting my dog. It sounds so boring, but it sounds so nice. That would be my routine.

From Where I Speak

The first thing that comes to mind is, I speak as someone who is a human. And they think we don't give enough credit to the human experience, right? It's layered. And I am layered, I am human. I- every day is not wonderful. And wonderful days are not always your wedding day, right? Just waking up. Sometimes just existing. I don't know why this is the part that's making me cry. Probably because I worked so hard to get to this point, right? Just waking up and being okay is a wonderful day. Um, so I speak as someone who's a human, and I feel like I can't think of anything else because that is just so all encompassing.

Words of Care

One thing I would tell someone who's healing from abuse is, it might not always feel this bad, every day. Don't stop talking. Don't stop talking about it. I would tell someone who's healing from abuse to keep waking up, and do the next thing that feels right, or feels good for you. Relearn yourself. Relearn anything that feels- again, right or good for yourself.

To survivors working in the field, I would say, talk about it. Don't talk about it to the survivors you're working with, but talk about it to anybody who will listen. Your boss, your co worker, your friend, your mom, your current, safe, healthy partner- just talk about it. Because, you have memories, you have thoughts, you have things that are sparked, and triggered, and all of the things, and if you don't talk about it, I mean, that's not the way to move through it.

You gotta feel to heal.

On The Healing Journey

I think what's so detrimental in society- because things don't need to end with a pretty bow on top, things just end, right? They just end in a way that- I ended the relationship, and then I did a lot of work, and I'm still doing a lot of work. And that's never going to stop. And I don't want people to think, because the relationship ends that, now it's easy, because that's not the case. And I don't want people to think, because I have a life that I wanted, that this life is easy. Because that's not the case. And the goal shouldn't be to just wake up and feel peace. Again, the goal should just- wake up and feel a human with choice, for how you want each day to go. And with or without abusive relationships, life is hard and life is messy. And life is wonderful and beautiful and mundane. And I think that is where society is failing us as a whole. And not recognizing just the day to day.