On Survivor Identity

 Mmm, I've clung to the word survivor until I find a better one. And I think that one fits because I literally escaped him trying to kill me. I didn't think that, you know, I had survived anything, I was like- I was just fighting back, you know? I think like I'm still surviving because the abuse doesn't stop. It doesn't- it doesn't stop. It's not as powerful as it is anymore, so I still can cling to that word because of two or three very, uh, violent events that I could have died from.

So, people who experience financial abuse or, like, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, like, you're kept in your house, you're body shamed, you're not allowed to use the money that you spend, um, you're not allowed to see your family. You survive those things too, but it's easier for someone who's never experienced this to say, 'Well, you never got hit, you don't have any bruises to show, you didn't call the police, so, what did you survive?' When you say, you know, I survived domestic violence, I think it puts people who want to understand you, but they can't. 'Survivor' puts people on edge. People are like, 'Yeah, I want to get that, but that just- that's just a lot'. So, it's a strong word, but I don't think it has to be. It's real. It's very real.

On Disenfranchised Grief

 Grief is supposed to- to present itself for us when we lose people. I think a lot of people, they want to say, 'Oh, they were abusive. I never loved them'- I did. Then you lose the love. You want to say, 'Oh no, I never loved them, I hated them'. Well, maybe, but not for everybody, you know. So, I don't know, grief's, uh, necessary, I guess. Grief for things- grief for hypothetical situations that haven't even happened yet, cause I've found myself doing that quite frequently. No right way or wrong way.

I think the biggest one for me now is, um, well, I call it co- parenting, but it's- it's a sad excuse for co- parenting. Being re- traumatized comes in forms of, even like to this day, my family saying, you know, 'You're too nice', because he's still in my life. He's the father of my children. My family's like, 'You- you should just like, hate him. You should do bad things to him. You should like, sabotage his life'.

I think my sister- she's like, she's my best friend. She's the one who understands. I think my mom, a lot- and not just her, you know, my- my spouse now, and I- I love him- I think it's taken a lot for him to understand. Um, and not- not be mad at me, but I feel like I- I'm doing something wrong when I cooperate with the father of my children. I just- I just want them to support me no matter what I decide to do. I think I'm doing the right thing and, um...

I know my family suffered. So they're allowed to be upset about me, like, lying and allowing them to be pushed away from me, making things more important than them. Like, it's probably just as bad witnessing someone you care about, like, hiding abuse or lying about being abused, or letting it just happen and say, 'It's not gonna ha-'. You know, all that stuff that my sister's probably witnessed that she hasn't unpacked- people experiencing grief might- there's a million different responses. So they, in their own grief, they're mad that I'm not, for them, they want me to be not nice.

I think the grief that people don't understand is, he's not going to change. I used to think I could help with that, and that was the whole problem. And I don't have it in me to say he's not allowed to be in their lives. They'd never been abused. They're seven and three, almost four and eight. They have no reason to hate him. Um, I haven't given them one and I don't plan to. They'll figure it out for themselves and they can- they can have whatever relationship they want with him. But I- it can't be decided by me, you know, like revenge isn't mine to give. I- I've thought about awful things.

I think I just want everyone who I love in my life now, in my kid's life, to just be like, 'Okay, I get it', instead of giving me a hard time. Like, if he calls and he's asking me what size clothes they wear so he can buy them clothes, I get yelled at by my mom because she's like, 'You shouldn't even be giving him the time of day. Don't answer the phone'.

I think I- I think I would love if my family- to be a hundred percent supportive, I think it would- it would stress me out a lot less to not be criticized for, um, not spending any more energy and anger on the past. You know, I want my kids to see me being- I don't want them to see me being bitter, you know.

But a huge percentage of these situations involve children, and their lives growing up watching people that were victims be lost in their- in the past and their pain and their bitterness and stuff. Like, to continue to try to get revenge, I feel like all it's going to do is create an environment where my daughter is going to allow abuse to be normal. And my son. There's abusive women. I've seen them too. But we are years now past the end of our relationship. What- what good does it bring me?

It's a lot of energy to expend, so that's a grief that society doesn't see. I mean, there's probably a lot of people who, maybe the abuser's in jail- that would be a huge weight off my shoulders, but I can't do that, you know, um. Maybe they moved away, maybe they're deadbeat, they don't want anything to do with their kids- but unfortunately, this is the last thing he has clinging. He wants to be a Disneyland dad. He wants to be, I'm the best dad in the whole world. He wants to show up on the first day of school and walk in like he's there all the time and he does everything- he doesn't pay child support, he doesn't do anything. And I-, I don't know, maybe I've- I've- I think I've compartmentalized a lot of it so I could just like, live my life because I'll get to it eventually, but I'm not going to do it in anger. I've brought a lot of peace upon myself by just choosing not to explain why I'm doing certain things. Like just, this is how it is.

On The Healing journey

When I met my partner now, I mean, I even struggled with like realizing, I was like, 'Okay, it's going to be another relationship in my life'. Like being- like being in my relationship now, it's- it's- it's extremely healthy and you don't trust yourself and you feel like, gaslit all the time. Like, you don't know if your instinct is real or if, because before, you know, with someone who was abusive, it was- it was- it felt the exact same way. I think there's experiences in my life that bring me back, not to the beginning, but... there's a lot of experiences that make you think, healing- doesn't start all over again, but you thought you were further along than you actually were.

At some point, the cycle of abuse, the image of that- that graphic was shared with me. It was like a clinical definition of abuse, that- that chart, right? And I was like, Oh my God, every moment I could remember, you know, the- the love bombing and the sorry, and then the presents and the honeymoon phase. And like, I had several examples for each stage of that. It just made the whole time that we had been in a relationship feel like The Truman Show or something. I was like, 'Oh my god, I don't think that there was a moment out- I don't think there was a moment that didn't fall into one of these categories'. I don't know. Every good memory I had, even the bad- good and bad memory I had could be broken down into that graphic that someone shared with me and I- I was so pissed when I saw it. That stands out to me a lot.

On The Healing Journey

My face was broken on both sides of my jaw and I just, I was watching myself in an interview recently. I started crying cause I was watching myself and, one side of my face- it's numb still, here. My nerve damage is permanent on this side cause I've had to have my- my- my jaw wired shut and everything and- I just wish that I didn't have, like, physical remnants of it, you know? Like, I wish that I didn't have it on my body anymore, because I just felt so strongly about, like, purging my house of things that were physical representations of our- you know, just, like, sage and burn all you want, but- I'm, like, permanently disfigured from it. I don't even think- like care, like, no, I don't want him to care. Um, but I don't even think that- that- that it hurts him to know that he did that to a human being. I wish I could just rip it out of me.

So a lot of- I think a lot of my healing too, has been trying to not put so much importance on physical items and stuff. Like, can't like burn every picture- I do have a picture of him and I when we met so that my kids can have it. You can't just erase it, so...

On Support

 My first attempt to try and, like, make things better- um, while I was pregnant with my daughter, um, like, just kind of talking to his mom and his parents, and I very quickly realized that they were very offended. In fact, I was told, you know, 'There's certain things that you shouldn't say because it's going to anger him'. And, 'you shouldn't have said that', or 'You shouldn't have done that' because now, you know, he- that's how they are. That's how- that's how our culture is. That's how these- that's how men that really love their families- he's very protective- he's a Leo. So, I very quickly realized that he had his army of people around him who, I mean, they were abused by this person as well, physically. And so I didn't know that either. I didn't see it in this omniscient way at first, like, Oh my God, how could you, how could you help if you're scared to? Fist and family.

So, um, that was my first attempt. And then I was just like, no, this is fine. I think this is not bad, you know, like we could just, um, you know- you have insomnia, I think, you know, maybe we just need to see a therapist. Another attempt. I remember going to the OBGYN and the doctors and them, you know, asking, 'Are you safe at home?'- Yeah. And knowing I was lying. When I had this- I had two C sections, my son, after I'm out of recovery, the nurse comes in and says to me- a similar experience, she says, um, something about me feeling safe at home. He's standing right next to me. I just found that so, so awful. Doesn't that discourage people from- from being honest and open with medical staff?

I even remember when I- when we first met, um, I-

I had an abortion and I didn't tell him. I was really scared. And it makes me think that I knew, I think I was scared to have a child with him. Um, I hate that, but I never told him. When- when I finally- um, I had a miscarriage after I had my daughter and the doctor came in and said, you know, so this is- they always do a count, but he walked in and he said, so this is pregnancy number blah, blah, blah. And that was the worst thing that he could have ever said. I wanted to wring this man's neck. Cause, it was the worst. And I remember calling the hospital and saying, 'I just want you to know, you can't just walk into a room with a spouse- with two people- you don't know if that's a safe environment to disclose that information, that's my medical information, we're not married.'

That- that- that's scary because I'm probably not the only person that that happens to. But that was- those- those moments made me so fierce. What would- what would come as me as being like, 'You know what, I am abused at home! Go get your- go- who are you going to go get? Are you going to take me away to a safe place now?

You get bitter about it, because it's better to just go home and deal with it. You need like a- a real human approach to it. You can have all the training and the counseling and the- like, that experience, like you can have a doctorate in helping people, just like a doctor does, but your bedside manner sucks. I mean, you're not going to get to that person.

On Support

I'll be honest, I don't remember reaching out. I lied to everybody. And then, when I called the police, the triggering day or moment or incident that led to like complete separation- the road to, you know, us not physically living together and everything. That was when I was accepting of the support because it didn't have any- he wasn't around all the time for me to be- get in trouble, you know. And my sister was there, and it was just us, and I was feeling like, okay, I think I can do this because I'm not going to get in trouble.

I mean, I don't blame anyone who doesn't know how to ask for help. I think- I think it's really, really time to get rid of that question of like, why did you stay? I think if I hear it one more time, I'm- I'm- I'm gonna click break something. I mean, it's stupid. It's really frustrating. Why did you stay? I mean, what? I don't know. It was fun. You know, so, I don't blame anyone who didn't ask. There's a lot of steps.

On Reclaiming

Oh my God. Traveling, being able to just like, go somewhere. I'm at the park or something with my kids, and once in a while, still, I'm like, imagine what this would be like if I'm like- like getting phone calls, like, where are you? You're not where you said you were going to be. Just like the- the whole freedom of like, fixing things for myself without anyone around me feeling emasculated. Using a drill. I- I'm really handy or like, um, drinking with my friends and not, you know, not that- that- not being like, uh, end of the world.

And me being vulnerable, you know, again. Like, I don't think I had to reclaim that, but I just had to like, not stop, you know, cause it was- it's really hard. But I think the man I love now deserves it. I think everyone in my life deserves, you know, me being vulnerable and not so like, bitter.

I don't know, reclaiming being like myself, I guess. Not whoever anyone else wants me to be. I think that's the greatest part. Cause like- like I won't- I won't bend on certain things. And I never was like that. I was always just be like, okay, fine, they really don't like that, but all right, let's go do this. And I'm like, okay, I really can just be myself. And, um, it's way better, you know, cause then it inspires them to just be genuine as well.

From Where I Speak

I speak as someone who's motivated by any opportunity to, like, right an injustice. I know that sounds super cliche, but I- I- I kind of thrive on- on correcting things.

I speak as someone who, uh, always wanted to be a mom since I was like nine years old. I always- I- since I was a kid, my whole family would tell you, I- I just want to be a mom. Who knows that, you know, my experiences good and bad are you know, hopefully helping me to be a really good parent and that can help them, you know, cope with the world.

Words of Care

Um, one thing I would tell someone healing from abuse is that, know that, as I'm saying this, I'm also speaking to myself, because healing is nonlinear and its- its- it's a lifelong thing. It's okay to- to identify with others who've been through that, but maybe not to- to thrive on that because we're all going through different experiences, we've all had different experiences.

One thing I would say to someone surviving, um, abuse is that it might take a long time to realize, but it can be one of the most transformative experiences. Really, that can be really helpful to allow yourself to heal because you- you realize how strong you are and it's not a point that you reach all of the sudden.

It's just like a- it's like a forever building, feeling that you just keep like laying bricks on, you know? So I think, I'm still in the midst of it, you know, but I- I can see myself in the future being like, when my children are grown, being like, Oh, okay, here's, you know, one more thing that it's empowered me that- that, like, add that to the things that I'm able to do now because I allowed myself to heal.