On Survivor Identity

so, I do identify myself as a survivor, but I have very mixed emotions about that word. This question means something different to me now that- that I've made it through like, the court date, the trial date, than it would have prior to that. Now, survivor to me, means making it to your end goal, no matter how you get there. And I think in my mind for years, I had this vision of these women who were self empowered and like, could do anything and weren't afraid to stand their ground and- just these powerful, strong women. And for me being a survivor and having crossed the finish line of making it through the court date, I feel like I crawled across the finish line.

I didn't run across, there wasn't a trumpet. I feel like I literally crawled to the finish line. And there was some shame associated with that because after court, I felt like a part of me died. I was so drained and tired, that I felt like I did it, but this is not how it's supposed to feel. I'm supposed to be doing cartwheels, I'm supposed to have my, like, arms up in the air- like, it was kind of a letdown. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be. And so, I've had to rework my understanding of survivors.

As long as you make it across the finish line, then you can heal and rebuild your foundation up and go from there. If your end goal was to leave your abuser and you left, if your end goal was to get a divorce and you got the divorce, if your end goal was to fight for your child, to get custody or primary residence and all those things happened, then you survived your journey and you are making it to the other side. You don't know how ugly the journey is going to be until, the next thing you know, you're in it. I'm proud to say that I survived being with my ex. I'm proud to say that I did everything, no matter how horrible physically I felt or how many times I was triggered.

But, My realization is that being a survivor doesn't always mean that you come out initially stronger on the other side. I think sometimes it takes weeks, or months, or for some people years, until you can fully sometimes step into it and own it and the triggers are left behind. Like healing is messy, they say that with Willow, healing is messy and it's not linear. So I am a survivor, but it's very mixed emotions with that word.

On Disenfranchised Grief

 My ex has a very calm demeanor on the outside and that's what's presented to the world. And so, when I was able to start putting two and two together that something's just not right, like, I'm doing my best to be, like, this wife to try and meet all of his needs, but something's not right. It was hard because no one saw what I was seeing. Like, he was the kind of person that, like, he'd meet you randomly in a store and overhear you saying, oh my gosh, my lawnmower broke, I got this new one and I don't know how to work it. He would come to your house and mow your lawn for free and want nothing from you.

So- he had a lot of people that saw him in this wonderful light and so, when I was starting to really feel uncomfortable and that things weren't right, and I felt like I was being torn down emotionally, it was like, well, who's going to believe me? I don't have bruises, I don't have marks to show for it. Everyone else sees him in a certain light, even my own mom. She's the kind of person that has to see things for herself and doesn't take your word for it. So the things that I was telling her, I felt like it was, 'I hear you, but there's always another side.' 'Someone else always has their point of view.' And, you know, I felt like maybe I was overreacting. Maybe this is what marriage is supposed to be.

People that knew us both, I felt like I was at a massive disadvantage because he's the quote unquote, perfect husband. So I can't confide in these people because they love him. He's always doing wonderful things for all these people, so who like-, who do I have to confide in? It was the friends that I had, who had known me maybe since high school, since college, that they knew me at baseline. Well, it was the therapist that I was seeing who got to know me and was like, no, this is not okay, you realize you're in a form of domestic violence. So it was split for me, I can't say 100% that I felt everyone turn their back on me because I had specific people who I could relate to, who I could trust and confide in. But, there were a lot of people that it was just my word against his word. I didn't realize it, but I now feel like he uses his kindness as a weapon to get, to gain the approval of others, to control how they see him.

We were this perfect couple and he was really controlling the narrative on a lot of things that I just didn't understand. And so, I didn't realize how much he knew exactly what he was doing. I feel like he was playing chess all along. He was seeing how far he could push me, doing all of these things, and I was very blind to it because he wasn't yelling at me. He wasn't screaming at me. That's what I was used to. And to have someone who, even when they were mad, didn't yell, didn't scream, very calm and controlled. I just went with so much.

On The Healing Journey

Um, I would say the healing journey, raw, has sucked [laughs] for lack of a better term. Um, because I can clearly tell you, I remember like being at home thinking like, eventually I'm going to get out of this, and I'm going to get my own place, and I'm going to file for divorce. And, I just had this picture in my mind of what it was going to be. I knew it wasn't going to be perfect, but I thought I would leave and then things would slowly improve.

Overall, I'm like, if I could survive eight years being married to this man, leaving, surely I could handle a random bump in the road or a few random setbacks. And I had to have that mindset or else I wouldn't have left. But then once I got out, it's almost like all of my old wounds were ripped open. I feel like I would say everything that I had been sweeping under the rug for decades. Someone came along and ripped that open and I felt like I was left completely exposed. Because now I was this person who understood that this relationship wasn't healthy, I understood that I deserved better than this.

And once I made the step and the choice to leave, everything started coming up. Him being angry because I wasn't supposed to leave. And then fear gets uncovered, and regret, and 'why did I stay so long?', and 'why did I tolerate this?'. And then you start examining all your other relationships with what you're settling for, the person that you were when you were with him. The moment you walk out that door and you lock up for the last time and pull out of that driveway, she no longer exists. And so now, you've left a situation, you're scared- lost a part of yourself when you locked that door and now you're living in this weird state. I'm not the old version of myself. I'm nowhere near where I need to be.

You have moments where you're extremely happy and grateful, like when you're sitting in your new apartment and you're like, I did this. This is wonderful. And this is great. And look, I can lock my door. And, I'm the only one that has a key to my apartment. And there are moments of just so much gratitude for being there.

And then you have to take your daughter for a drop off, and then you see him and then you're triggered and then you forget about the gratitude because you start having nausea and headaches and tightening in your neck and stomach pains. You've left, but you don't get to leave him fully because you share a child together and so like that goes into the healing process of I left to get better, but I can't go too far because I still have to see this man. If you ever see like those dogs tied to a fence, I felt like my leash was maybe like five feet. I left, and I got like a thousand feet, which is phenomenal- I have all this room to run and play, but I'm still tied to him. I can only go so far before it's time for another visit and I have to go back. Even though I'm not living with him, just having to see him and feeling triggered, the reward wasn't what I thought it was going to be. That got messy with my healing.

So I- out of everything that I've been through in my life, and I've been through a lot of things, this has been the hardest thing that I've ever had to deal with, learn from, and work on healing.

But I also feel like when I make it to the other side, that I'll be the strongest person that I, I've ever met in my life. I feel it, and I see it, and I know that I can do it. But this has just been the biggest challenge of my entire life.

On Sharing Their Story

 Being in therapy, going to Willow every week, I feel like it's been very helpful because as I see what women are going through, and then I'm in therapy and reflecting and working on my own triggers, I feel like it helps me not blame myself for everything that's gone on. I had a lot of shame, a lot of, um, self anger.

Each abuser has very drastic, different techniques, and even though the end result is the same, how they go about doing it can be different. You don't think about that until you're comparing stories afterwards, and then you're like, 'Oh, well, mine did this instead of that, but we both are in the same boat. We both are feeling the same thing' and so like, that's been helpful- going to the Willow groups, and hearing women talk about different things.

Once I got out, and started reflecting back on how much I tolerated for so long... like, how, how could I not see it? How could I not have known that? Why did I think that was okay? There was so much that I had to like, wrestle with within my, within my own self.

And through Willow, through me seeing a therapist, I'm working on how I share, which is sharing so that I'm empowered, that I'm not taking the blame for things, understanding that I didn't- I- I always say my glasses. I didn't have my glasses back then, because the glasses that you're looking through when you're unhealed, you see people a certain way because of your triggers, because of your traumas, and you're unhealed.

And then, once you get to the other side, and you do the work, and you go through therapy and you read these books, all these things become super clear and you're just like, 'Oh, like, these traumas that happened in my childhood affected me this way, and because I'm affected this way, this is why I make excuses when he does X, Y, and Z.'

And so, me having the clarity to understand that I- I can speak for myself, not anybody else. I was never equipped to pick the right partner because I wasn't healed. One of the things that I learned through therapy, so I had a therapist, like when I was in my 20s and another one I was in my 30s, and then now I have one. And so when I started with this therapist, like she asked me about the healing work, like what healing work have you done? Then I paused, and I had a moment where I said to her, in my twenties and thirties, it wasn't really healing work. They were helping me stay afloat, they were helping me, um, you know- I was in these rafts that was sinking, and they were giving me tools to help me paddle, and paddle, and paddle to try and quickly get to the other side, so I wouldn't drown. We couldn't even get to the healing work, because of the traumatic situations that I was in. And so I said, now, here I am. Now I'm ready to do the healing work. Because now, I'm finally not in a situation with another individual where I'm drowning, I'm in a situation where it's me and I'm overwhelmed and life feels tough.

But there's no one in my house to impede my healing.

On The Legal System

 I feel like, I would say I've been most surprised by my endurance and my ability to continue on. So, early on when I left, he called the police on me because I talked to my therapist and she had me write a letter so he would know what was going on. And then the next night, he told me if I didn't tell him where- where my daughter was, he was going to call the police, which he did.

And because I was working with Willow, thank goodness, they went out to see him and they were going to come see me. But then when they found out the situation, cause he told them that I was mentally unstable. Once he got it inkling that I was going to leave, that's when he started to spread to other people.

And so, the officer was like, 'Now, he's told us that you're mentally unstable, are you?' And surprised myself, cause I was like, 'Yes, I am. I'm suffering with anxiety and depression because I've been in a domestic violence relationship. I'm in therapy. I'm working with Willow. He heard Willow, and he instantly had a total change in his demeanor.

So like, when that happened, the stress from that- it just drained me and I just wanted to go in a corner somewhere and lay down. And just- because this was like 24 hours later and this is day one and I'm like, 'How am I going to make it through waiting for him to be served? How am I going to make it through these court dates? How am I going to make it through the divorce?' Like on day one, it's like, this is what I'm thinking. Um, and I feel like, my ability to be able to withstand the big stones and boulders that keep being thrown at me, despite my lack of physical strength, like with the, you know, long COVID and, you know, like there were just times that I just feel tired and drained and weak. Somehow, I managed to get up the next day and keep going, even when I would like to stay in bed all day and do nothing. I- when I think back to the person that I was on day one, if you would have told me all the boulders and obstacles that were coming my way, I don't know that I would have had the strength to continue on. Not knowing that, I don't have the answer for you for how I made it through all those boulders. But I- I wouldn't have thought a year ago that I would have been able to withstand all of this pressure and strain and still keep going.

When I met with my lawyer before court, we met for a total of seven hours, like over three different days. That, did something to me, having to like relive so much stuff, because everything had to be open. She had to get a clear picture of who I was, who he was, what was happening with our daughter. And when we went into court, I prepped, so seven hours with my lawyer, I prepped two hours on my own. I went into court and they kept me downstairs in the Willow room for as long as possible. And then when they couldn't anymore, they had me go up to the fourth floor. And my lawyer was like, the judge has seen our offer, she said it's more than reasonable, she thinks that he should take it. And she said your daughter's lawyer and his lawyer are meeting with him now to try and get him to take the deal.

And they had to keep going back multiple times to try and get him to change his mind. And I sat there in fear because I was- I was ready to go in there and testify and blow everything up- everything that we had practiced, I was going there- I was going to go in there and expose him. So, for someone that cared about his- his presentation, how the world saw him, I was going to blow up and talk about everything that my lawyer and I had practiced.

And I had one moment of peace where I was sitting by myself and I was like, I'm going to go in and I'm going to testify at all costs. I'm going to advocate for my daughter, cause that's the person that I need to advocate for, cause she can't do it for herself. And I'm at peace with this. And from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes, I felt inner peace and I felt empowered and ultimately he ended up taking a deal.

But before he took that deal, he found me and cornered me. And I actually disassociated- I've never done that- I disassociated from my body. And he was like, can I talk to you? And I literally, I say, I went into like Angela Bassett mode because I was like,' Yeah, you can have a seat', because in my mind, I'm like, we're getting ready to go into court.

He's horribly angry, and he was like, 'Do you want to do this?', and I said, 'You mean the customs?' He's like, 'Everything, the divorce, the custody, do you really want to go through with this? And in my Angela Bassett mode, the tears flowed. I felt nothing in here, but it was almost like I went into acting mode and I was like, 'We're here getting a divorce because I don't know how to reach you anymore. I don't know how to get through to you, blah, blah, blah. And the words just flowed out. And his lawyer came out, and said it's time to go in. And he told his lawyer, okay, we're talking, we need more time. And when his lawyer went back into the courtroom and told them, my lawyer came out and got me. And that was how I managed to get away.

Healing journey

 but just in that moment, I had gone from feeling empowered and I am going to do this, to like, triggered mode. And so like, that healing not being linear, because I'm- I'm standing in my truth, and I'm going to testify, and I'm gonna blow up your life, and it's gonna be on record- I'm gonna tell all the things you don't want told. And then, just him sitting within X amount of feet of me- triggered, disassociating, praying for someone to come get me, to rescue me out of this situation because I'm trying not to set him off because we want him to take this deal, but at what costs to myself?

And so he took the deal, we signed the papers, um, they agreed to keep my address confidential from him. I got primary residence- on paper, I won. My address is still being kept confidential. On paper, I got my divorce, I won.

But it was such a horrendous journey. There was so much uncertainty. And I was living with, 'What's going to happen when we go to court? Is he going to take the deal?' Just, not knowing. And so now, I know what the deal is. I feel like I was able to close that chapter of that massive situation of not knowing and now I'm moving on to the next chapter of healing and doing my work in therapy and coming here today and [sighs] helping my daughter, like I'm- I'm working on the next chapter and that chapter is closed. So I'm just very grateful to have been here today after my court date, because I really feel like that changed my answers and it changed my perspective of where I am with things.

Affirmations

 people kept saying like, 'you're strong' and 'you'll be okay', but what does that mean when someone says you're strong and you feel weak? What does that mean when someone says you're strong and you can do this, but you don't even have the energy to get up to go in the kitchen and scramble a couple of eggs? I hear what you're saying, but that's not how I feel, that's not how my physical body feels. So it doesn't- that doesn't translate. That's not really a pep talk that gets through to someone in that state, telling them that they're strong because it's not, that's not how I feel, that's not my reality.

And so now, having made it through the horrors of that court case- and I'm still going- now, I feel like I am strong and I am resilient and I didn't know that I had this much resiliency inside of me. And so it's a good thing that I found that out, now I know that. But I still have to heal. It's there, and it's present, and it's phenomenal, but the strain of what I had to endure has taken a toll on me physically. I just need a little more time for my body to heal.

I want to do a cartwheel on the beach, or I want to do a cartwheel in a park, like, I want to go out and I want to celebrate. I want to buy a divorce cake, and I want to cut into that bad porridge, and I want to have the biggest smile on my face, and I wanna look myself in the mirror and say, 'You did this.' physically, I'm not there yet, but the party's over there. But I had to just sit down, and I had to drink some water, and I had to take a nap. And when I'm ready, then I'll go party [laughs]

A big portion of what I was, kind of, kept talking myself was about my daughter- I wanted to be the best mom for her that I could be and advocate for her. And so on the days when I felt like I was just tired and didn't want to push myself, I- I didn't have a choice, not for me, but for her, I didn't have the choice. And so sometimes, she's what I use to- to pep talk myself forward. And that was a lot. Sometimes when you don't have kids, you think you know, how things are going to be. And so I had all these ideas in my head of like being a mom and your kids always come first and there's nothing that you won't do for your kids and, and your love for your kids will like, power are you through? And then when my situation happened, I saw how sometimes, your love for your child isn't enough.

And that for me was horribly scary, because I knew that I had to keep pushing on for her, but there were just days where my love for her wasn't enough to give me the physical strength and energy that I need. I had to draw from deep within and literally just say, like, I'm doing what I have to do for her because there's no other choice. But I was doing things- shaking, again, with the nausea, the anxiety, my neck tightening, and it felt horrible. For me, it's like, this is not what a strong mom looks like. When we were doing the visits with her dad- because I was doing them initially in public places where if I needed help, I could call for someone. So here I was, taking her to see her dad because I needed to do some visits, and I felt weak. I felt, I almost felt less than human. Just being in his presence took me to such a dark, low place. But my love for her made none of that easier.

And so, my affirmation, which wasn't really an affirmation, it was, I'm doing it because I have to. But for me, nothing made me feel like less than a human or made me feel more weak than physically shaking, than having the anxiety overtake my entire body.

There's a point in your life where you start to realize you can tell yourself things and your body doesn't care. And over the past year and some change, I have been living that repetitively of like, this is great. This is good. Everything's fine. Everything's going to work out fine. And my body's like, whatever. Here comes nausea. Here comes headache. Here comes tight neck.

Me saying like, you're a powerful woman and you've got this and everything is great. Your neck doesn't hurt. Your neck is totally fine. Everything's going to work out your way. Just have faith and believe. Your body doesn't care about that. That's so hard when you can't control your body.

Support

 Once you make the choice to leave your abuser, I don't believe that you get to the other side without help. Sometimes you don't know who's going to show up for you and how. So there were a lot of strangers that showed up for me. When I moved, there were two wonderfully nice ladies that came with their cars and we loaded up what we could and we left.

Couldn't have done that on my own. And their energy was so nice and calm and they're like, I'm proud of you for doing this, you've got this, this is okay. And that's what I needed on that day, I needed calmness and I needed peace, and I needed reassurance that like, you're doing the right thing. This is okay.

And there were people who showed up for me that I would say were acquaintances, but they showed up for me when I needed them the most. And so, my picture of things, like how I see people, is like forever changed just because of making it out to the other side. I just think back to the process from the beginning and I just feel like people who are taking this journey need so much love and so much support and so much validation and I feel like in a perfect world, if there was like, you know those ice smash places, if those existed for survivors- so that you could go in before court, and smash up things and you could scream and you could yell and say this isn't fair and you could scream and say this didn't work out in my favor and it's not fair like just to have that outlet, to get out that, that energy.

 I have these random ideas that come up that I would love to do for survivors. Like, if you make it through court, I would love to just go up to someone and say, here's a thousand dollar American express card, because I know you're going to need it- just for someone walking out of court. You need someone there to give you a big, massive hug and say, I'm proud of you for doing it. Even if it didn't go your way, you made it.

From Where I Speak

I speak as someone who's an advocate.

I speak as someone who is a survivor.

I speak as someone who has risen from the ashes.

I speak as someone who is proof that if you really want better for yourself, that you can achieve it, despite what obstacles may be put in your way.

I speak as someone who is proud of how far I've come.

I speak as someone who knows that her journey is going to help and empower other women.

I speak as someone who wants to be an example for what her daughter will be able to look up to and be proud.

I speak as someone who is going to be able to look in the mirror in a matter of days or weeks and be super proud of herself for everything that she's, or I have been able to accomplish thus far. It's coming. I know for a fact that it's coming.

Words of Care

One thing that I would tell someone who is healing from abuse is to not give up. On the days when you feel like you are very overwhelmed, and it feels like all the odds are against you, and you don't know how you're going to make it out on the other side, is to just have faith in yourself and to keep pushing and to keep trying.

When you least expect it, a door opens or someone pops up, to be able to help you and things- things start to make sense again. I feel like when you're in darkness, sometimes when you least expect it, someone shows up with a flashlight, then you're able to see what your next steps are gonna be. So I would tell someone to just please keep holding on.

Please don't give up on yourself. If you have children, please keep pushing ahead for yourself and for your children, because there is light on the other side. If you're looking at darkness now, it feels like every day there is a light on the other side, you just have to be able to hold on.