On Survivor Identity

Yes, I would identify as a survivor. Seeing, you know, the situation that my sister went through, um, and knowing that she did survive, right- like her spirit did survive. So even though, you know, her physical body didn't survive, her spirit did. So I think that that- you know, and I'm a physical vessel survivor, right.

On Becky

 So my sister, Becky- she actually was a 'Naz' grad. She was an artist- beautiful artist. She could take any picture, and then just paint it- perfectly. She was really good at people. So, she was just a loving light, laughing all the time, getting into trouble all the time. Her spirit is very loud. She shows us lots of signs, which is great, because then I know she's okay.

On The Story of Domestic Violence

And so, she had been in a relationship for four and a half years. We knew this man, he took care of her when she was sick. She had needed a liver transplant, um, and she got one. She was thriving, and healthy, the last time we saw her. You know, normal- normal guy, just- he had a new girlfriend at the time, all the things, and... She got a call- she was at a dinner on, um, on New Year's Eve with her friends, and she got a call from him, that we know- to head back to her apartment. And, um, they met up there, and he took her life. He stole her car and her dog. And drove five hours up north- and this was in Florida, um- to St. Augustine, and killed himself and the dog. And, that was it. It was like, you know, we found out on a Monday, we had her services on a Friday- that same Friday, and then it was over.

There's a law in Florida called the Marcy Law that protects any victim of murder- suicide, that their identities can't be out there unless the family wants it to be. And that's a decision, you know, that we made. So the only thing that we know is that originally, his name was on her lease, um, for four years. That the front desk woman had changed the locks numerous times, and she was made aware of the situation just because of noise complaints, and the cops being called, and stuff like that. But, other than that, no. No, none of her friends- none of us knew, cause we had no idea what was going on for four years. The interesting thing about my sister's story is, it's a story that- it's about him, and it's about all the things. But I want it to be about her.

On Disenfranchised Grief

The women that I've been able to talk to have been victims and survivors, and they've helped me. Like, I've- I've asked them like, 'Hey, I'm angry. I'm angry that she didn't tell us. I'm angry that she had a safe space, and she didn't tell us'. And, they've helped me realize the different aspects of domestic violence. You know, she had an addictive personality. It- it can be an addictive situation. Um, so it's actually- and I've- and I've realized how many women in my life are survivors and it's like, mind blowing to me. And I'm like, that's another reason that I want to be here. It's like, there's a lot of women that, um, have come forward to me, and opened up to me, which I also am so grateful for.

A lot of times people will be like, 'We're surprised you aren't more emotional', or whatever, um, but I also think I've gotten good at telling the story. But then, obviously other aspects of it make me emotional. I've felt fully supported, and actually, it's opened up a whole new realm of my understanding of things.

On The Healing Journey

What I realized was, I was taking pebbles, right. They always say like, take each stone off of the mountain. Like, take each stone away, and you'll- you'll heal. And what I was doing- that I realized, is I was building a boulder. I took a stone and I was just rolling it, and rolling it, and rolling it. Because- because her story isn't public, it's the constant, 'What happened? What- what happened? What happened?'. And so it was like, rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. So I wasn't dealing with grief, I was dealing with the story being told. And I thought that that was healing- being able to talk about it and not cry. And then one day, I was like, Oh shoot. Like, I have this massive boulder that now I need to push aside.

Knowing that her spirit is safe has been a huge help. So yeah, so grief- grief was blinded for a long time- what I believed grief was. But it really wasn't. It was just, hiding or masking. It was masking the grief, instead of actually dealing with it.

On Sharing Their Story

 Before, it was just spitting out the facts, because people wanted to know. You know, everyone has that little gossip ear or the, you know- 'Now I got to tell so and so...', type of thing. And, um- so for a long time, it was just spitting out facts- spitting out facts. And it's turned into me, trying to let people know. Like, I've had a lot of people reach out and say, 'I'm in this situation'. And I'm like, 'Get the fuck out- get out! Like, get out. Like, just get out, I don't care- like, come to my house, I don't care. Like, get out! Because, I don't want that to happen to you'. Whether they do or not, that's up to them. You know, it's people who- who didn't know what happened to her, but they- they just know that it was a domestic violence situation- they don't know what happened. And then I'm- I tell them like, 'We had no idea- like get out!'.

So that's kind of been interesting um, for me lately, to also have people like, connecting to me in that way. Um, you know, I'll randomly post something, and her birthday was recently or something- and a lot of times I just say like, I'm here for anyone. Like, I'm here for you. Like, please don't ever hesitate. And so then, I'm getting the DMS, and I'm getting the messages, and it's- it's eye opening.

On Tools

So it's been an interesting journey of healing, um. Definitely yoga, and being able to be in a space where I'm safe, and connected to people. Like I said, I'm on a different spiritual path right now, which we'll see how it all pans out, um. But healing others- healing through Reiki and healing through voice, has been so rewarding to me. You know, it's even just the yogi who comes in 30 minutes before their class, sits down on the couch, and you're like- Alright, I think this person wants to talk. And, they do. I had a woman the other day tell me that her mother was in the same situation as my sister. And had she not dragged her to a concert one night, the same situation would have happened. And it's like, you just came in for a yoga class, and then we had this amazing conversation. So through communication and through helping others, it's helping me heal, for sure- for sure. It's rewarding, definitely- helping, helping and healing.

You don't want it to happen again, right? Like, to see what it's done. To my family and to- to- God, she had over 400 people show up to her services on a three day notice. She had lived in New York City, all of her friends there- Florida- and it was like, just- it just shows you what kind of person- what kind of loving person she was. And to see all those people hurting, right. Like- like, it's just- it's- it's- it's a lot.

On Sharing Their Story

Well, this is interesting because of course, I have other sisters and we talk. My younger sister and I- I was like, I noticed I had a couple different co- workers, just in the past like, two weeks, that have been like, 'You know, I never- you never- I didn't want to ask but...'. And I- like straight face, I'm telling them this story and like almost giggling at some points, and they're just like, 'What the fuck?'. And I'm like, 'Oh shit, I'm sorry'. Like, I can say it because it's facts right now. I'm- I'm sorry. And then I'm like pausing, and I'm like, 'Shit, I'm sorry. Do you need a hug?'. Like, and I always- I always do preface it with like- This is a Lifetime movie situation, do you actually want to know? Um, to which then they're like, 'Of course, we want to know.', but then, they don't want to know.

So I had this conversation with my younger sister, I'm like, 'When you tell this, like, how do you act?' And she's like, 'Well', she's like, 'Actually, my therapist and I were talking the other day...', and my sister said this story, and was giggling. And that there- and my sister was like, 'Why do I do this?', and she was like, 'Say it again two more times'. And by the second time, she was sobbing. And it's like, you put up that shield first, and you're like, blublublublublublublub. And then all of a sudden you're like- Oh shit, that really did happen. You know, and- and- and, ah, you know, um. So that's been interesting, where I've been like- Pause, this person was not ready for what you just said, you need to realize that.

I want people to know that they're not alone. And that telling people about the situation that you're in, is not going to make you any less of a person. It's not going to make you look weak. It's not going to make you look any other way than who you truly are. And that people- people around you love you. And they would much rather you speak- you know, you speak your truth, and you speak about your situation, than have you not be around.

And I think, that's just the message that I never got to tell my sister. And I think because, you know, she had been through addiction, she had been through illnesses, I think she truly didn't want to burden my family anymore. But we would just want her here. Um, and I know that a lot of women probably feel that way, and I think that that's how my sister felt. I think she didn't want to burden my family anymore. And she didn't realize the severity of this human, and the capabilities of what this human's intentions actually were. Um, because, you know, maybe she was blinded by love, and she was blinded by you know, the old person that he was. And I think that that's something um, that I've struggled with, you know. Like I found myself, on her birthday and just being like- What the fuck? Like, why didn't you say anything? And I think that that's the message that I want to get out there, is like, it doesn't matter. Like, it doesn't- it doesn't matter what's happening to you. You are loved, and no one is going to look down on you. No one's going to think that, you know, you're over exaggerating, or you're anything other than just- you're loved. And, you know, it would much rather you be here than you not be here.

Words of Care for Secondary Survivors

Just to say that you're not alone. And, the confusion and the anger and the grief- you are capable of healing. You are. You are capable of healing. And, to not put any blame on yourself. Because, people are their own people, and they will do as they please and do as they- they want. And that, their situation is not yours. And their story is not yours. And just that- the ebbs, and the flows, and the waves and, you know, that, I could have helped, um- all those thoughts are going to come in, but at the end of the day, just not to- not to blame yourself.

From Where I Speak

So I speak as someone who is a sister. And has a loving sister who was in a negative situation, that she couldn't get out of. I'm a mother who was able to provide nephews for my sister, in this lifetime. And, see her happy, um, with her nieces and nephews. I speak as a sister.

I speak as an outsider looking in on all the laughter, and love, and creativity, that my sister had. And her passion for life. I speak for my sister, who was strong and a fighter.

On The Healing Journey

The biggest message that even I and my family have gotten through the healing process, is that we can choose to see the light, or to see the darkness. We can choose to have a good day, or a bad day. We can choose to let the darkness take hold, or we can choose to- to move towards the light. And I think that- that's been a huge healing.

When I first, you know, started this grief journey, it was like- Okay, we got to get through this day. Then we have to get through the services, and we have to get through the funeral, we have to get through her birthday. We have to get through the anniversary of this, we have to get through the anniversary of that, and the conversation has been, throughout the whole thing, is- How are you going to choose to make this day? Are you going to lay in bed, or are you going to get up and live? And those are just conversations that I feel like I've been having with each one of my family members on those certain days or, you know, when I talk to them the day after. And it's like, 'How were you yesterday?'. Well, you have your moments but, you're also living. So, if you choose to live- or if you choose to lay in bed, you know, neither are bad, but just, um. You know, on her birthday this year, for my yoga class, I was like- Alright, I'm going to raise $5 for every yogi that comes for my sister. And I knew I was going to give $42, because it was going to be her 42nd birthday. And then, it was interesting because I talked to my parents and they had gone out to dinner and left the waitress $42. And so it's just like, how can you make these days more memorable, and not sad? So I'm- I'm thankful that I have the family I do. We're doing these things right. So, definitely, that's been a huge story in our healing, in my healing. We're a very strong family, which is good.

On Support

So, I have a group of people who I can lean on, that just so happen to be in my work situation. Um, that constantly having those conversations, and making these amazing connections- there's one woman and her daughter, um, who- their son and brother were killed by a drunk driver in a car accident two years ago. And, we're able to connect, and we're able to- to talk about things. So I think it's more connecting with others who have been in similar situations or- or just there to listen, right. To listen. Um, and it's interesting because, a lot of people like will give me a card of their therapist, or counselor, or whatever, and I'll take it and be like- Yeah, I should do that. And then, I never feel the call to do it.

On Tools

You know, I've definitely cried on my yoga mat- a million times. Um, which is healing for me, right- like moving through. The night that I thought- or the day that I found out she passed, I literally called my neighbor, I'm like, 'We're going to yoga'. She's like, 'That sounds awful'. I'm like, 'We're going'. I literally sat in the corner and cried the whole time. And just, I had to do it. Yeah, so my mat is my- my healing- uh, my healing carpet- my magic, healing carpet.

Um, we also got a dog because randomly one night at 4am, when I couldn't sleep, I was on a rescue site and we've had her for a year now. And I was like- She's my grief dog- she's my grief dog. I was like- You know what? She's my healing dog. She came at the right point and, it was interesting because she was born on New Year's Eve.

Words of Care

The- the importance of life, you know. You might be in a really, really shitty situation at this moment, but you can heal. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You know, you can- you can get out of the darkness, and get into the light.

One thing I would tell someone who is healing from abuse is that you might be in a very awful situation right now, but there is light, and healing, and light, at the end of the dark tunnel that you're in.