Antoinette’s Transcript

On Survivor Identity

 Well, I used to call myself a victim and that always felt wrong to me because it is the term abusers would use towards me, is victim mentality. You're just a victim. You want to be a victim. You like to be a victim. So I called myself that, and it had this negative connotation. So I switched to survivor, even though I didn't always feel like I was surviving anything- until I started healing and I realized, okay, survivor means you got through something. It doesn't mean you're fully healed, it doesn't mean you're over, you're done, it just means you survived something. And, it also means, I guess to me, your strength and your resilience. And it doesn't indicate a point in time, it's just what you are after you go through something.

On Disenfranchised Grief

 I've always felt misunderstood by society because my trauma didn't start or end. My life began with abuse, from the time I was a baby. So, I never felt understood by society, and I was always at a point of grieving multiple things. So I have complex trauma, layers and layers and layers of trauma, and going into every single thing in my life, jobs, um, friend groups, school, I was always at a point of grieving. And losing my childhood, losing parts of me along the way. And, nobody ever understood what I was going through and I could never verbalize it. And even the people who did understand what I was going through, could never fully process because they didn't know how to approach me. 

Like, guidance counselors, psychologists that I would see, friends- if I told them or they witnessed what I was going through, they could never fully be there for me or understand what I was going through. And they never gave me the space to do that because they didn't know how to give me the space to do that. 

On The Story of Domestic Violence

My story is my whole life because that's all I've ever known, is being abused. And my story is one that is a repetition; repeating a pattern over and over again. So, I think, I'm going to try to briefly summarize because it lends into how I healed, and realizing that there are a lot of people who have gone through what I've gone through and didn't survive.

So my story started young, I was abused by an alcoholic father, a mother with mental illness who tried, but didn't try. And who was very emotionally abusive and couldn't separate herself from her children- she could not separate herself from me. She did not hear me. She did not save me. That led me into- into my neighbor, who was a man who hurt me really badly. I loved him because I didn't know any better. I was running away from my parents and my abusive brother, who had very serious mental health issues nobody paid attention to, and he was very abusive to me too, so I ran away. And I ran to a neighbor, and he hurt me very badly, and I couldn't tell anybody because I had nobody to tell. I was in the middle of nowhere. I had no neighbors other than him and farmers, I live 45 minutes away from the nearest town. So I was all alone. And it came out that he was hurting his daughter, too. And again, I stayed silent because I didn't think anybody would believe me, I had no parents to believe me- they're too busy with their stuff, with their abuse. And then that led me into another abusive relationship. 

And that was at 17 that I got raped and had my daughter. And then, after that, I got into another relationship, where my daughter was raped at three years old and I- my life was nearly taken from me multiple times. My face was mangled. I was all alone, I had nobody to go to. 

And then that led me to another abusive relationship, a marriage, where he took everything from me, took my identity. I let him have it because he told me he wanted to take care of me and he took everything- my money, my car, my autonomy, made me cover my head, to be a part of his religion. And then that led me into another relationship, where I was taking care of a man with a severe mental illness, letting him abuse me because I felt sorry for him. 

But every person along the line, was a recreation of my parents, a recreation of my neighbor, my brother, because I was trying to heal my original trauma by getting in these relationships with these men who are very similar, and that wasn't my fault. And that was the biggest thing I had to realize in my healing journey is, I was repeating because I wanted to heal, not because I wanted to hurt myself. Not because I was broken, it was a part of me that just wanted to fix what was already broken by my parents, and none of that was my fault. And that's the most important thing I realized, is that we are a product of our beginnings, and it's not our fault we are the way we are.

But we get the chance to become who we want to be, because we get to sculpt our personality aside from the trauma. Because we get to take that bad stuff that happened, we leave it in the past and have a clean slate. It's still there, but that's a foundation to build on that's something not so scary when you look at it like that- when you look at it like it's a clean slate. 

On The Healing Journey

In the beginning of the healing part of my journey, when I realized, okay, what happened to me- over time, was terrible. Realizing that I was always made to feel like I could never be sad. My parents were the type of parents, uh, I'll give you something to cry about type, type people. And so that always lived inside of me. So in the beginning, grief for me was feeling sorry for myself, and I wouldn't allow myself to feel that. So I stayed stuck in the first stages of just depression and sadness, never moving forward because I felt like it was wrong of me to feel anything other than sorry for myself. But at the same time, I felt bad for feeling sorry for myself. So you get stuck in this limbo and you don't know what you're supposed to feel. And over time, I realized it was a process, and part of that process is feeling sorry for yourself, but it's not feeling sorry for yourself. It's acknowledging what you've been through is terrible and feeling bad, like you would for somebody else, like a friend. Like you don't go around and telling a friend that you love, Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you actually feel sympathy and empathy for what they've been through, you want to help them, so you need to transform that into yourself. Like, I want to help this person that I love get to the next stage by supporting them.

So for me, it's been stepping in and realizing my sadness isn't an indicator of lack of progress. It's not an indicator that I'm a bad person, or feeling sorry for myself, or overly sensitive. It's just acknowledging I am in this space, I am where I'm at, and I'm going to do things for myself to help me get to the next stage. And there's no timeline, there's no right way. Grieving is a process, and it's not something that you should ever force yourself to go forward with until you're ready- to the next stage, to the acceptance, to the acknowledgement, to the sadness, the depression, and it's not forever. Each stage is not forever.

There's different stages because as you grieve, and a lot of survivors, especially ones I've talked to, and myself included, as you start grieving one thing, one thing that's happened to you, other stuff comes up and it's triggered other memories. But as you heal one part of you, other parts of you get healed, like by proxy. So, understanding that process, and not being scared of that process, it's- it's not this length of time. It's this all encompassing circle of a process and you're kind of always in it because at the end of grieving process is acceptance, but it's not the end- it's just a circle. You're just going around and around and you need that process because you need to feel empathy for yourself. And as you grieve, the point of grieving is to trigger that self empathy. So you might need to go through it, it's something actually beautiful to go through because it makes you feel more empowered to actually feel, Wow, I went through this. That was a lot- that's a lot to go through for one person and to survive it.

What I'm going through right now is honestly the most surprising to me because I thought, at this stage, it was just going to be this easier process, and now I'm noticing it got really hard. I'm away from all my abusers now. All of them. I'm in a happy place. Set so many boundaries. I thought I was going to feel empowered, at first. I do now. I didn't realize that I was going to need to really sit with that sadness and grieve everything all at once. And it was going to come all at once. And as it came, more memories were going to come. And I used to think that that meant I was regressing, like, oh my god, more stuff I have to heal. No. It was just stuff I needed to sit with, and cry, and experience those waves of emotions, and sit with those feelings, and not do anything with them. Cry, feel angry, and not step in and change them. Most of the time we have to step in with coping skills, but at that process, kind of the acceptance area, there comes this point where you don't do anything other than sit, experience, and release it.

And now, the most surprising thing that's happening at- after that process is that I am remembering all the good things, not about my past or experience with these people, I'm remembering myself. I'm remembering times, I'm like, wow, that was really cool, I can't believe you did that. I feel such love for myself, and I'm not even trying to actively feel that, it just comes. It's like, I'll sit and I'll remember, oh my god, remember when you climbed that tree? So high up there when you were little? Wow, you were so brave, like, and these fond memories coming back, and it's just this light, happy feeling with no traumatic memories attached to them because my brain doesn't want them, because I let it all go. I felt it. They do come back. The sad ones come back. But I've learned now to just sit with them and feel them and not do anything with them and let myself feel everything I should have felt in that moment for me, anger, sadness, and then acceptance.

And sometimes, sometimes I would feel such maddening anger, and I used to be afraid of anger. So sometimes that can happen, I believe, with a lot of survivors, especially of childhood trauma, is we were taught not to feel our anger. We're not allowed to be angry about what's happening to us. So, feeling that intense anger and not pushing it away. So that whole process of just feeling as they come and not doing anything about it has been the most surprising for me.

And that's another thing I think I want to add there is, um, about healthy relationships. When you finally get into healthy friendships and relationships, we have this idea, we idealize it. That's what we want. And we have this picture of it. But what we don't realize is when you get safe, your body is going to be like, Oh my God, I can deal with this now, I can feel this now. And it's going to- it's scary because you think you're regressing. You're like, Oh my God, why am I not super happy? I'm safe and I'm loved and I'm free. It's like, because you're safe, you have the space, take it and don't apologize for- for feeling safe and processing through everything.

People who really love you will give you that space and they won't try to change it, they won't try to fix it. You might have to stand up for what you need though, quite a bit, say, I need this. And people will respect that, they'll like that you're telling them what you need and they will step up and give you what you need or say, Hey, I can't do that right now. But you have given yourself an opportunity to actually have your needs met by speaking up for yourself and giving yourself that grace to feel and realizing that you're going to fall apart when you're safe and that's okay. Totally, okay. And normal, and healthy. We have to fall apart in order to be put back together.

On Affirmations

 I'm alive. That's the one thing I tell myself all the time is I'm a person. I'm a human being. I deserve to be here. I'm alive. I'm alive for a reason, and it doesn't have to be this divine reason, but I am alive despite everything, despite everything I've been through, I'm still here. I've survived everything I went through.

So that affirmation I'm alive is so deep, it means so many different things. And sometimes, we just need to be reminded that we are still here and in this body and we're not leaving. We're choosing to stay in this world for a reason. What is that reason? And that kind of sparks that idea in the head and can, and can spark some self empathy to remind yourself of why, why are you here?

What does that mean to you to be alive through all that?

And I think another affirmation is saying your name. I use that one with my kids a lot. I make them say their name, especially my little one, I am Layla and I am safe. So I tell myself, I am Antoinette and I am safe. And sometimes that's all I have is who I am and that I'm safe. 

On Words of Care

 Little me- she was scared, very scared, but always fighting for herself. I was very much a little girl who was into the woods and into nature and finding little things about myself. And I know I did that because I was scared of the people around me, my parents, and the man next door, and my brother, all the people who were abusing me. And I would tell her, you're gonna make it. All the stuff you've ever been through, and you're about to go through, is gonna mean something someday to somebody. And it sucks that everybody has to go through similar things as you, but whenever we go through things like that, it makes us into some really amazing people, despite everything.

And who I wanted to be when I was little was an amazing person. That's all I ever wanted was to be a person who mattered and I used to tell myself that when I die, I want people to remember me. And now I would tell her, people will remember you just a few people, but they're going to remember you because of your story. Sucks you have to tell that story, but they're going to remember you because of that. I would tell her that 

From Where I Speak 

 I speak as myself because I was once just a product of my environment, and I didn't know who I was, I had no idea. I thought I had no idea, but I really did know. It was when I was trying to be what everybody else needed and expected of me, is when I had no idea who I was, because I developed a people pleasing personality from being abused. They call it the Bond Response. As soon as I thought someone was mad at me, like, what can I do for you? How can I make you happy so you don't hurt me? That's how I learned to survive. And that's all I was. And I thought that all I was was a trauma response and I didn't know who I was or what I wanted.

But now I speak knowing that I am who I am and I've been that person all along, I just had to bury her because I didn't think anybody would accept or love her. And I'm unapologetically myself now. I'm weird. I love being outside. I talk to the trees. When I was little, I would do weird things. I never fit in. I like things, many different things. I don't fit in anywhere, but I fit in everywhere. And that doesn't make sense, and it's not supposed to. I don't make sense, but I make sense to me. And I make sense to some people. And so I speak as myself now, and nobody else. I will never aim to please another person other than me.

Words of Care

So, one thing I would tell somebody who is healing from abuse- because you're always healing, even in the midst of an abusive relationship, you're healing from that abusive situation, whatever that is- emotional, physical, financial, you're always trying to heal from it. And when you're getting over it, you're still going through that same process because that process lives in your head. Those abusive situations are- keep going on and on and on. Don't expect them to just stop. Don't expect those scenarios to just stop. They will keep going on. You will always wonder why it happened to you. You will always wonder if you could have done something different. 

But you can't think like that. You can't wonder why. You can't say what if. You have to stop when you start to go down that route because then you're going to blame yourself. And it's not your fault. It will never be your fault. You should have left. You should have stayed. You should have done this. You should have done that. That doesn't help anything. And it's not true. There's nothing you could have done other than survive, and that's what you did. And that's what we all did, was survive- those people, those situations that we didn't ask for, that nobody would have ever asked for, and we would have never wanted that for anybody. But I'll pause for a second.

I'm kind of picturing myself and like, thinking of those words, these are things I told my past self before, many times. But now I'm in a different place, I'm in a different stage of my own healing right now. And maybe my words are a bit different because I know that I should have never, I'm doing it already... I should have never- you have to stay away from that, the 'I should have'. Be where you're at and talk kindly to yourself. Talk as you would to somebody you love more than anything. You were kind to that abuser, you could be kind to yourself. It's the most important thing. If you can love somebody that terrible, you can love yourself even more. And from a really good place. 

We hold the abusers, whoever they are, to such higher standards. We want them to treat us a certain way, but we're not even treating ourselves that way. Not that that's wrong or bad, but it's just misdirected. It's totally misdirected love. And it comes from a pattern. And it comes from hope.

And it comes from a good place. And every single thing you feel about that abuser- but when it's in a positive light, I should say, when we're constantly justifying and rationalizing their actions, that needs to be redirected back to you. If you are capable of loving an abuser, you are absolutely capable of loving yourself ten times more. Always. It's what I tell myself, all the time. Look at how capable you were, look how much love you have to give. If you can love a monster, love yourself- love yourself just as hard and as fiercely. Because you can change yourself, you can't change them, you could change you. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You're just misguided love. That's all it is. 

On Sharing Your Story

 So, my greatest resource was my therapist. [laugh] I- went to her, I don't want to say broken, but just done and ready to move forward and realizing that I was stuck and I had so much to unpack. And... we got far, we got very far in the healing together, but, I made the choice- I don't know why- one day to start sharing my story on social media and it got a lot of attention, and that felt awkward to me at first. But, as I kept sharing, as I kept telling these stories in little pieces- because you're limited to a minute, I started to notice I was feeling something for myself that I never felt before because I'd watch back my videos and hear myself speak. And it was like I was watching someone else tell my story. I was like, whoa, that's a lot. And little bits and pieces started coming up and little memories, and then this timeline started to form. 

 And the grieving process became an all encompassing circle and not so linear. And I found myself feeling outside of myself more often than I felt inside. Being inside yourself, you're stuck in your head, and you're focused so much on your emotions and what you're feeling, and that doesn't always make logical sense, and you aren't able to see your behavior. So, watching back my videos and hearing my story come from my mouth, I was able to watch my behavior and see myself in a different light and see the process, see my face and see the pain. And a lot of my story has been a lot of self abuse where 'That didn't really happen', 'There's no way that happened that way', 'That's all in my head'. But it wasn't in my head, it was out loud and I could see the pain on my face- I could hear it in my voice. 

So sharing for me, took myself out of it and put myself into another person- a person I had never saw before. And it empowered me, and it helped other people at the same time, and I was kind of taken aback by that, that so many people understood that. And I had a community, I had a community behind me who believed me and the more they believed me, the more I believed me. And that voice, that self abusing voice, got smaller and smaller and everything came together. So sharing your story is probably the most empowering thing you could do- not everybody's ready to do that, but even sharing with a therapist... I would highly recommend recording yourself saying it because you see yourself in a different light.

On Support

 How my partner supports me now, not looking at me like I'm a broken person. And using what I've been through to empower me, and tell me, Wow, look at what you survived, look at what you've been through like you're still here, look at you still standing here, you're still alive- you've- you- you've survived everything you've went through. You can survive more, you can find your way through the pain and get through it with people if you know how to ask for help. And to not be so afraid to ask for help, because most survivors don't want to ask for help because it's embarrassing and it's- it's almost like you have to give up a piece of yourself by asking for help because you don't like to be looked at like that. You- you- you're like, hanging and broken but you're not. 

People need to stop looking at survivors like we're broken and need pity. We need empowerment.