On Survivor Identity

 What does the word survivor mean to me?

A day ago, it did not include me in the picture, to be honest. Um, it's very hard to think of yourself as a survivor. It almost feels selfish in a way, but sitting here right now, it's an accomplishment. For anyone who's going through this right now with me or is trying to get to the point to say that they're a survivor- day one, you're a survivor. If you even fathom coming to Willow or know that something isn't right and you want to fix something about it, you're a survivor, to me, instantly. I didn't think of myself as one until I started talking about it more with my therapist, and she's like, What are you talking about? You are a survivor just because you're not, you know, a hundred percent over it or done with the grieving or anything, you gain so much knowledge to know what to look for, what not to do again, how to prepare yourself for the future.

I used to do a lot of like YouTube videos on how to get over certain things, or when is it my time to finally feel free, and like a lot of people that would talk, were 10, 20, 30 years gone from it. Uh, they were already with another spouse, or a partner and life was great. And I'm like, wait, I'm still kind of here.

So a day ago, no, I did not see myself as a survivor, but sitting here right now, I can just feel that I am one. It's hard for me sometimes still to this day, even though I've been with my therapist for over a year- to even tell her things. And still to this day, she goes, well, I want to come back to that, because you- you kind of avoid it. And I'm like, yeah, I do, but, I'm getting better at it and there's the 'Aha' and the God moments that I have as I'm sharing more often and it's becoming not normal, but, , more comfortable. 

On Support

I would hold it in. And again, I would believe every single thing and every single word that was said or screamed at me. And looking back, I could tell that my friends knew something was wrong. My friends and my family, just- they knew that he was not the nicest person. They knew that he would be very nice to them, but honestly I would lie a lot. I would come in with bruises and scars and I'd be limping or I'd just be very quiet and they knew, but I'd be lying. Because I wasn't in a safe place in my head. I didn't feel safe anywhere- there was no safe place, not even my home, not the bathroom at work that was completely miles away from him. 

On the Story of Domestic Violence

 14 years old was tough. I was in like, this secret relationship with someone from another school district that my parents didn't even know. And, it was just a middle school, high school relationship. And, I didn't really know what sex was, I didn't know what intimacy was, I never saw it in my house. I was just told, save yourself for marriage. Fine. Totally fine. A-okay with that. I was in church twice a week, and my mom worked at church, so we grew up happy. And, like, we had our morals, ethics.

 But it came the time when my boyfriend, who was seventeen, brought up the idea of having sex. And I said, no. He goes, Well, why? And I said, because I'm saving myself for marriage. Like I said, my parents are from the South. I grew up thinking, high school sweethearts. Perfect story. Not so much.

I said no, and I kept saying no for some time, and then finally he said, well, that's fine. And then I got dumped. I was A-okay with that, to be honest, because I kept standing my ground. My mom taught me really well, but then I remember one summer afternoon, which I still have a hard time talking to my counselor about, um, I was at the mall and he had his car and wanted to talk to me and- I played into, what I know now, as a narcissist game. I was told everything I wanted to hear; 'Let's go to the same college then we'll get married and have a kid'. Well, I played into that, and it ended up where I got into the car with him and got raped. 

And, the word 'no' to me, ever since then, until today, has never been in my vocabulary. I've always been a yes person because of that. Because I'm too scared to say no- about anything. For the past 15 years, all I've known is, if you say no, you're gonna get raped, or beaten, or cheated on, or lied to. Because you made that person angry. So part of my healing, part of my grieving is to learn that it's okay to say no. The women that I've met here [at Willow], we are all learning at the same time that it's okay to say no. And it's okay to feel some other type of way to have your own feelings.

I had a couple steady relationships at the end of high school and through college. And then, from the time I was 21 to 24, I was really independent. I was renting my own place, I was bartending, and I was working the horses for my part time jobs, and I was cooking as a full time job and I worked 108 hour weeks and none of it felt like work. I was happy. Everything was perfect. I was single, and then it came up in the back of my mind like, you wanted to be married at this point So, start looking.

So I put myself out there and I found this awesome guy. Like, you look at that person and you're like, I'm going to marry that person. And it was instant. So we started seeing each other and, to be quite frank, it's hard to talk about it, but I noticed he was an alcoholic, right away. I was always meeting him after work at a bar and they would drink all night at a bar until the bar closed and then they would go to another friend's house and drink some more. And it was always going to his friends. We never hung out with mine. Um, the hard part coming up is, he would get so drunk, he would black out. 

But I remember one night, which I think was like a month or two into the relationship, there were two cops sitting outside the bar and he was very intoxicated. I begged and begged to have the keys and I got screamed at. I was told that I was acting like a 12 year old. I was told that I'm being stupid and that they're just driving a half a mile down the road. So I begged and he finally screamed at me that I was a bad word and I just shut up and I got in the truck. The cops, fortunately, pulled away, for his sake, but he couldn't even put the keys in the ignition. So I got out of the truck, and I was just going to walk at this point, it was freezing, it was snowing, and I started walking. And then I got this phone call from him and he said, come back. I've hit someone. I need your help. The cops are on their way. 

And I'm like, okay- so I ran back, come to find out he was still in the parking spot that I left them in. There was no one around. There was no damage to his car. Cops weren't even close. He lied, to get me to come back, and I believed it. But what happened next changed everything. And I opened the door, and I was screaming- I will admit I was screaming, and I said 'Get out of the car' and I went to grab for the keys. That was the biggest mistake of my life. This is where, honestly, it all started. I grabbed for the keys and I got punched, square in the face... like I was a man. Um, fell on the ground and then I got picked up by the back of my neck and I got tossed in the truck and we drove to his grandmother's apartment. He slammed on the brakes and threw me out of the car. Then he picked me up, off of the ground and drug me towards the apartment. I just walked. I realized that it wasn't going to end, so I gave in and I just got up and I walked. That night was the first night that I was raped again, by someone that I thought was going to be the one.

He didn't even realize it. He was unbelievably intoxicated, and actually, he blacked out. Woke up the next morning- I was showering- he walked into the bathroom to get ready, and I was bleeding on my arm, I had a bruise on my stomach and a couple of bruises on the same side of my leg. And he asked what happened, and I played it off. I went into full survival mode and I said, I got thrown off a horse. And he was like, 'Oh my gosh, when did that happen?' I was like, 'Oh, this morning. I got up before you did' and to this day that lie sticks in my head. 

It was about, every single day for the next two years straight, almost every single day, I was getting beaten. I'm learning now that being drunk or being high is never an excuse. Um, I sympathized, I sympathized hard and I tried to see where he was coming from. I didn't care how much I was hurting. I didn't care how badly I got hurt or if I got knocked unconscious or that I was madly in love with this person. I felt so horribly for this person, I took on the role of being the punching bag.

So, I finally found a part time job where I could work with children and adults with special needs, without a degree. And it was amazing. And I became ill again from stress; I lost a baby, got engaged too, after a couple of years after the abuse was really happening. And I don't know what was going through my mind, except 'Finally, this may be it'. He may stop all this because he proposed to me. But, it didn't stop- it actually got worse, because he started to try and get sober. But the violence never stopped and the verbal and emotional abuse got way worse. It was just, it was so hard to leave, I tried to leave, I think three times, three or four times before the wedding. It's all such a blur at this point, but the beatings got worse, actually, as he tried to get sober, to be honest. The beatings got so much worse, just because he wasn't drinking, he didn't know how to function- still doesn't to this day, does not know how to function without alcohol. 

It's mind boggling how someone can put their arm around your neck and choke you till you pass out and then you wake up hours later, not even knowing what happened- in your own home. And that same person's crying over you, begging you to wake up sober, but looking drunk. It's hard even thinking that I spent eight, nine years with the same person that did all that to me. 

On Support

 I've learned through Willow that so many things that happened in my life with that person was abuse. He rationed my ibuprofen out after I would get beaten. He would go buy me bandages and cold compresses after I would get beaten. He would rape me one day, not even realize it, and then tell me the next that he wanted to have a baby. It's a very confusing time, whether you're just in the beginning or you're in the ending parts of it- it's very, very confusing. I didn't even know until I put that restraining order on him that there were more kinds of abuse than physical or mental. I didn't know financial abuse was a thing, and I am thousands of dollars in debt because someone kept being a narcissist and honeymooning. I did not know what a honeymoon phase was. I did not know what trauma bonding was. I did not know what any of these terms were that I learned.

Being told that you're allowed to go hang out with your family is- that's abuse. I learned through Willow that other people go through it too. And you hear all these seminars from doctors, psychologists, therapists, uh, you go and you listen to other survivors talk, and you think to yourself going through this, that you're going to be the one to change that person; something in their life is going to happen while you're in their life, and they're going to stop and they're going to finally realize what a mess this is. But, I'll be honest, as a person who left six times, and is still speaking to that person, it doesn't change.

For anyone who's still going through this, or has gone through it, and is still trying to figure out whether they should leave or not- like my counselor and my therapist have told me time and time again, you'll know. I kept saying to myself, 'Well, maybe now it's not the time. If you break up, maybe things will change the next time you get together'. Time after time, nothing changed. I still have my wedding dress. And it's very hard to think that I could even be happier with someone else.

I've learned that I'm allowed to be happy.

And I'm still speaking to that person- it makes you feel guilty. It makes me feel selfish. It makes me feel like, 'Why am I even here? I haven't moved on yet. I haven't left yet But honestly, I'm so much farther than I was eight, nine years ago. I don't own his problems. My chains are totally broken free. 

Words to Self

 Keep going.

You'll get there. Even though you feel like you're at your low, in a way, you're not at your low. You're at their low. I'm learning that, his alcoholism is not my alcoholism. His addiction is not my addiction. Even though I feel like an addict, every time I try to leave, every time I've tried to leave, I feel like a drug addict. It was so hard. Like, I couldn't quit cold turkey. I couldn't just block. And I noticed in the groups that Willow still has, whether it's in person or the online Zoom one, which I'm so grateful for, I'm learning that other people are having a hard time saying goodbye. 

On Affirmations

 I, on a daily 

 basis, from the beginning of the relationship, I was trying to find ways of doing positive affirmations. There is a YouTuber that I was following heavily and they would do yoga and positive affirmations and I did it every morning. I would go through the poses and I would say affirmations like, 'You are beautiful and you are strong', ' I am a leader'. Just the simplest little things. There's just so many little things that you do for positive affirmations, even just listening- and trying to say them in front of a mirror, and I break down and I cry because I don't think I'm worthy of those words- I don't. It's very hard when you are in an abusive relationship and you are so beaten down mentally and physically. You are broken in so many different ways and your spirit is crushed to even think that you are a strong, beautiful human being.

I'll be honest, I wanted to end my life. I tried so hard not to think about suicide while I was deep in this relationship, every day living with this person and about to get married to this person. I, I would panic. I'd be driving to work or I'd be at church or I'd be laying in bed and I'm going, I can't do this anymore.

Whether you're deep into your relationship and you're being abused in any way, shape, or form, you're more knowledgeable today than you were yesterday. So saying affirmations will get easier. They have for me, and I literally was about to end my life because I didn't see any way out. And now, I have a different attitude and I do see myself wanting to be with another person. I deserve the happiness. 

From Where I Speak

 I speak as someone who values my own life, at this point. I speak as someone who cares about anyone and everyone. I speak as someone who doesn't want the next person to go through this. I speak as someone who's still fighting to get to the end. I speak as a survivor. I speak as someone who regained their happiness. I speak as someone who found fellowship through a program that I was never going to call. As hard as this one is for me to say, I speak as a mother who lost their child. As if they were still here in front of them, even though they never met them. I speak as a friend to anyone who has children. I speak as someone who kept the doors closed and didn't think that there was any way out. I speak as someone who wants awareness spread for this to not be in the dark. 

Words of Care

 If anyone thinks that they are in a relationship where they need help, just reach out. This is my advice. I went through this in my mind for probably four years- I needed to reach out.

The odd thing about me, which maybe other people are going through right now, is I'm learning how to not be with that person. I'm learning how to be okay alone, that being in a new house- because thankfully I- I bought a new house, I'm safe.

From someone who was willing to risk their own life because they never thought this was going to end- it ends when you're ready. It ends when you're willing to seek help. You know when you've had enough. If you're researching a video on how to deal with this person, you know you are unsafe. It may take a year, it may take a month. You may be going through some really dark times, whether it's financial abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, you may hit your rock bottom. But just remember, it's not your rock bottom, it's theirs. You did nothing wrong. You didn't deserve what they did to you. They took something from you- or things from you- because they didn't think that they had it themselves. Whether it's happiness, whether it's kindness, confidence- there are people out there who are willing to help and there are people that you may never think are going through the same things.

It's not a race. It's okay to leave and go back. It's okay to still be there. It's okay to wean yourself out if you can leave cold turkey and be A-okay with that, that's awesome. I wish I had that, but just remember that you're safe. And if you're not safe, you can always- by yourself or with someone, or a friend, or a family, make a safety plan. I can't tell you how many safety plans I've made. I can't tell you how many goals I've had of leaving. I can't tell you how many times I've had to leave and come back to teach myself that it wasn't going to change, I had to make the change. And the change is not ending your life. You are strong to even be at this point of considering getting help.

 Be selfish. If you still think that self care is selfish, then be selfish! Take the bath. Do something for yourself that brings your happiness back, because it's ... obviously not with that person. And you deserve so much more- you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be healthy. You deserve to not be scared, not worry about the next time when you're going to get hit, or cheated on, or yelled at. You deserve so much more than what you're going through right now. 

Words of Care

 Again, it took me forever to get to Willow finally. It took doctors. It took other people. Like I said, you're in an abusive relationship and sometimes you think like, you're the addict. You- you just go crazy, because you're called crazy. But, I am so unbelievably blessed and grateful to Willow, to everyone. Domestic violence is a problem. It's not something to be kept in the dark. Just because you see it on TV with celebrities, it still happens behind closed doors.

Every single program or event that is offered through Willow, I have done. And I have never imagined myself having the courage to do it. People have never met each other, but we all come to one place and it's like, we've known each other forever. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to be scared. I mean, I was nervous [laughs] for some of the things, like my first counseling appointment, the first time we did movement group; I was nervous, because for the past 15 years, I've been forced to be nervous. But, thank God there's programs like this and there's places like Willow to run and hide when you feel like there's no safe place and you feel that there's no end. I, honestly, I would not be here today- [sniffles] I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for Willow and the people that want to help. So much light has come into my life because of this space. And even when I feel alone, and I'm down on myself, and I don't believe those affirmations- it's places like this that remind you that you are beautiful, you are strong, you are powerful when you made it here, and that's what matters. You made it here. 

I wouldn't have been able to share this story to anyone, I don't think ever, if I didn't think it wasn't gonna help someone. I don't want people to feel like they have to lie, or they have to live a separate life, or they have to be scared. Your life is so much more than hiding, your life is so much more than being scared.