On Survivor Identity

 You know, survivor is a term that seems so blanketed to cover, you know, the experience. So, um, I don't like to call myself one because it's just- it doesn't really hold credence to the experience of that. I mean, in a way, yes- I definitely survived, but I wouldn't call it that. I think I would call it like I persevered, and was able to find some tiny bit of hope and some tiny bit of trust that somehow it was going to work itself out, you know? And I don't know if that's really surviving, you know, as much as it is, like, persevering.

On Disenfranchised Grief

He was just such a- an abusive narcissist and manipulator and, you know, had everyone convinced. So, there was a lot of people that, if I tried to say something, it would be, like, 'What?' You know, an immediate scoff, or- or minimizing it. Especially with my ex's family.

And my family as well, like, maybe this is what hits the hardest, you know, it's almost like they had given up on me because, you know, I- I still loved him. I was just like that freaking atypical- like, what you read on paper- victim that was always allowing him back. You know, so I was very, uh, marginalized in my family. So I wouldn't even dare to talk to them about any of it. And then it just got to the point where even with friends, they were starting to feel the same way. I know a lot of women can relate to how people ask them, you know, 'How could you go back?', you know, 'What do you see in him?'. And then just the shame of 'Look at what happened last time'. And it's just like, 'Okay, I can't talk to them', you know, and you just end up being totally isolated in it.

On Grief

I don't think I knew really what to grieve, for a while. I feel like I was grieving the wrong things maybe, and then it wasn't really until 10 years after that, I started to see like, that- it should be thinking about grieving myself. In the- in the time that I was so hyper focused on him, and what was going on, and my kids and not really grieving for myself. And I was so young too, I mean, when I think about it, you know, my early thirties, I feel like I could have, I don't know I- if- if things were different, right, but- and that's the kind of grief that I deal with now. The- the wrong grief to me looks like, you know, that 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' type stuff, um, grieving some things that don't even exist. I had created this, you know, reality in my head that was not the reality that was going on. And so grieving that- just the idea, if that makes sense. And just- yeah, focused on what could have been, instead of focusing on right here, right now.

You know, how can I feel that and like, allow it, honor it, but then just keep moving- and realizing now that that's what the healing is. It's- it's allowing myself to feel it, and maybe it'll last- it lasts a little bit less every time, you know, and it's been years since we've been together. So there's been a lot of opportunity for me to heal from that. So I'm very grateful when I do start to feel sadness, it's for the hurt and for the things that really stick with you. Like, okay, yeah, that was fucked up. And there's so many, you know, moving parts, but so what can I do about it now? You know, sit here and like, cry and, you know, feel sorry for myself about it? Like, no, no. It's like, yeah, it happened, and I really have to move on, like, I have to go do the dishes, buh- buh- buh- you know what I mean?

So, it's just- it's different now, than it used to be so paralyzing.

On Support

What I needed at the time was just, someone to listen, and not tell me what to do. Cause in the early stages of it, if I went and shared something about something that happened, and then of course, people love me, they want to defend me. They get upset, and they're like, start talking crap about 'em- and I've learned from my own experience not to do that to other women who, you know, are in and out of abusive relationships. The last thing that they need is somebody to shame them, and to bash the other person. It's just like, all you really need is just someone to sit with and, you know, maybe give you a space to talk about it and just be supportive- like, I'm here for whatever. But I'm also, you know, extremely independent, and I think some of it has to do with that for sure. So, I just felt like I was fine on my own, like, I didn't really need anybody anyways, which isn't a good place to be.

On Support

I didn't have a choice, okay? It's life or death. It's either: stay in it, you know, and there'll either be murder, or get out and, like, have someone help you get out, or make him get out. So that was just, like, the- the black and white piece of it. And then came that time to like, choose, like, you know, do I go to counseling? Or do I just try to ride this out alone? Cause, I just always had convinced myself that I was too busy- you know, where I was fine, when I really wasn't.

And I think cause of like, my past, and even with the way my childhood and all that- all that's the stuff that happened up until my twenties, I was going to therapy for that. And that was like, you know, I knew I needed to do that or I wasn't going to stay sober. And so, I worked through that stuff, and then it was in my early thirties that the relationship came in and, I knew that I needed help. And I was the one that was going to have to make the choice. If he still had his way, I would still be with him.

But I know now, when I need help- if I can feel it and like, let it go and just be like, okay, and keep moving, um, then I know I'm kind of in a good place. But when it's like really heavy, and I am having trouble moving and everything- that, I know that I need to reach out again, and start talking more about what's going on. And I think it's important for everybody to have a therapist- like everybody.

On Willow Support

I can't thank Willow enough for their help. You know, and even now, to this day, like, the services that they have still help me. And I'm just, so grateful for them because the very first time I ever had to get an order of protection, I was scared to death. And went- you know, I had to go down to get it, someone came and got me, and was like, 'Here, you want to be in here.' And it was like, as soon as they brought me into the other waiting room, I just felt like, so at peace. Like, okay. I felt safe. Like, these people are looking out for me, they know what it's like. And, you know, there was never any judgment- at all, whatsoever. And, uh, you know, women- I have to put up with so much, especially, you know, when there's abuse and Willow really helps me so much to know that I wasn't alone.

You know, they helped me get through that whole process, and- you know, and even still today, you know, having to deal with him and, you know, my kids are teenagers now. And he's still abusive, you know, at a distance, but he's there, and- you know, and I can still, like, call and make an appointment and go and talk and know, like, when I talk with a counselor, they know exactly what I need to hear, and I can't find that anywhere. Because, if I tried to go to a friend or even, you know, a family or whatever, it's just different because they don't know what it's like.

On The Healing Journey

If I were to give you the timeline, like, oh, 2009 to whatever, then that's linear because I could, like, literally, like, write out what happened in a timeline. But, when it comes to the feelings, the memories, what still hurts, what doesn't hurt- it's like moving parts. It's- it's a part of me. In my experience being here, there was just a shame about it. And just, holding it in and not looking at it, you know, or even being able to name it. You know, and some things, I still really don't know how to name, but I can recognize it. Like, and I know that I've gotten better because when something happens- because stuff still happens with him, because he's my children's father- how am I reacting? That's when I- when I surprise myself. When I'm able to not do what I've done in the past, not allow it to stay with me as long. And so that, is at least an indicator that I've come a long way, cause in the past, things that he's done would have thrown me for a loop for an indefinite amount of time. It was really brutal for a while, and then, you know, then we ended it. But it still was brutal, but in a different way. And now he's still brutal, but in a different way. But, I think for me, my, you know, my journey has just been like, not standing there and taking it anymore and being able to, you know, not have to fight back either. And in the past, I would have been like, 'That's weak', like, 'No, it's unacceptable. You have to fight back'. But now I'm just, it tears me up more to fight than it used to. So that's a level of healing too.

On Sharing Their Story

 The way I tell my story has definitely changed. I don't want to focus on the ugliness, because it just makes me feel... ways that I don't want to feel anymore, you know? And I think when I was in it, and it was the everyday, it's like a whole different life, you know? I feel like, almost like an out of body experience when I think about what happened because I'm not feeling that, like, raw pain anymore. It's not like, it just happened yesterday, and that's only- you know, only because I have separated myself from the situation for- you know, and it's taken me a long time to heal, and I didn't think that it would take this long.

In the past, what was helpful for me was to share with you know, trusted people or whatever. That- you know, this happened, and this happened, and this happened, and there was something that I know that I needed to heal by saying that. By exposing like, stuff that nobody would ever know if I didn't share it- and it- almost to take away the, um, heaviness of it. It's like layer- by- layer kind of thing that over time, like, now, if someone asks or, if someone has started sharing something, I don't feel compelled to go into the war story of my life. It's more like, I can relate, and I've been there, and I know how you feel.

When I write, sometimes some things will come out, some little things. It's like, I can only do, like, bits at a time. And, I'm always writing in the third person, which is weird, but it's almost like how I experienced it, too. Like this sort of out of body experience. So, maybe someday I'll be able to write about it. And then part of me was just like, you know, maybe I don't have to write about it because maybe it plays on that whole thing that people are so attracted to the- the gore and, you know. It's more, what's the word- tantalizing to, um, hear that. So, for that reason, I'm afraid to tell my story because I don't want it to be this like, thing that people are going to be reading for the wrong reason.

On Affirmations

 'It's okay'. And I know it sounds so stupid, because when you're in it, and it doesn't feel like it- like nothing is okay. And everything is fucked up, you know, but it's not. When you ask, 'What would I tell myself?', I would say that, over and over, until I, you know, would believe it. It's just- it's like the simplest thing. But it holds such a deep meaning to me because it, like, to my core, gives me a sense of peace that, like, everything is okay. Like, and I don't have to name- like, I don't have to label it anything, it's just a general blanket, like, [whispering] 'It's okay'. And it- it allows me to gather myself together enough to maybe come up with another mantra. Like- like, you can get through this, you- you know, you got this- you got this. So, yeah.

On Reclaiming

I think working to reclaim my 100 percent unwavering self- worth. I don't know if I've ever known what that feels like, but I know that it's possible. I feel like a lot of things- I'm not sure what they would feel like. But I've seen other people like, have it and so, wanting what they have.

But when it comes to me, I think there's just been like, so many freaking years where I just was so wanting to get out of myself, and using different things to make me feel better. And even sober like, I was doing things to make me feel better. So I want to reclaim pieces of that, but in a healthy way. So I want to like, take something that's a healthy instinct and like, keep it healthy and, you know, find someone to be healthy with, I think. And, you know, like I said, there's some things that I look for in myself that maybe I don't- might not, you know, know what it feels like to be like that all the time.

But I think with the work that I've been doing- and I'll get these glimpses of feeling good. And- and so I wanna, you know, work towards that. Just like a genuine, like feeling good. Just wanna, you know- I think, you know, it's making me think of like rewriting my story like, recreating myself. I don't know what so much feels like because of my history, my life. And yes, it's mine, and I own it, like, that's my story, and maybe someday I'll tell it. But, I would like to know what so much other stuff feels like. So, I guess maybe I'm getting to this place now where I'm open to that idea of like, you know, creating my life. And I want to reclaim that sense of like, youth and drive of like having a goal. And, there's a lot of things that I definitely like, want to experience.

On Tools

I practice Native American Heritage, so I like, go to the res, and I do a lot of prayer, a lot of deep prayer ceremony. And that's been totally transforming and healing. It's given me everything I've needed to like, keep going. I wasn't able to get on the Red Road until after that ended. It was like, Creator was just like, 'Okay, you're ready now'. You know, even though it had been in my life before that, but my ex always shamed me about it and like, dismissed it. And, so I stayed away from it because you know- it's just evil, like the messages that you get stuck in your head. Um, but yeah, so over time I joined back on that road and all that. All of it's been just very healing.

From Where I Speak

I speak as someone who feels like I've lived 20 lives. As someone who may have wisdom, but I speak as someone who- who does have wisdom. I speak as someone who has been through a lot, but, I also speak as someone who has persevered and persevered, and persevered, and persevered. And I speak as someone who just won't give up, can't give up. I speak as someone who has two children that I just can't imagine my life without, and I speak as someone who is a teacher and, is a daughter, and a sister, and of course a mother, and a cousin, and a friend. I speak as someone who is- who loves myself now, and it took a long time for that to happen. So I feel like I speak as someone who has been through the fire, and has come out the other side stronger and more confident and just ready, ready to really be- be happy.

Words of Care

One thing that I would tell someone that is healing from abuse is that you're not alone. And that you are also, like, so unique. And your situation is yours. And I honor what you're going through. I would tell someone who's going through it that it's really important that you're here, and that you are going through it, and you're not laying down.

And, I would tell someone that's going through the healing process that everything's going to be okay- even though it doesn't seem like it is, and it doesn't feel like it, and it doesn't look like it, and everything might be upside down, and inside out but... everything is okay. And it really truly is. And I can guarantee you, from the bottom of my heart, that it's going to be okay. And that like, here you are right here, right now. And that's such a beautiful thing. Um, and that's hope, you know, it's hope.

Final Thoughts

 I think one of the biggest things, that maybe I did want to share was that, you know, in spite of all of that, I still, like, I made it- I made it out. I got my degree, and I raised my kids, and now I bought a house, and you know, I- um, actually have a career. And- you know, and back when it all started, it was like he was trying to crush that, and keep me from really being my best self. And I did it anyways. And I think like, that's- when I think stories of hope, I think that's what I wanted to share too, was that, you know, in spite of what, you know, happened, I still made it. I did it. And, yeah, I had help, of course- I'm not saying I did this, like, all by myself but, I did it. And one of the things that's been part of my healing process is acknowledging that- my strengths, like, I did do it.