On Survivor Identity

 I would probably say surviving, rather than survivor- yet. That will probably be down the way, a little bit. I feel very much in the trenches. So, it doesn't feel past tense at all. Um, survivor sounds past tense to me. Um, there's an element of survivor that feels defeating. Even though it's meant to sound better than victim, and it does- it is, but there's still like a- like, I went through that. I made it through it, but I went through that. So, I'm still not super stoked about the term.

On Disenfranchised Grief

 I think, has been- it's been- it feels so ongoing, for the last couple of years- and heavy. And I remember saying to my therapist, 'Will this end?', like, will this heavy sadness just ever go away, for all of the various losses? It's so real and, it feels so alone because of that. And you wouldn't wish anyone to experience it so that they know how you feel. But then, you just have to bear it alone. When I let people in, to know who I surrounded myself with were very validating people.

My- My partner and I didn't have a lot of connections in common, initially. You know, I know some people have like their tons of families, and friends, and all that stuff, and they might just be more dismissive. Um, but- but my friends and relatives were supportive, but- but still the idea of people not getting it, is real. And it's very isolating. And that makes you not want to talk, even if they were supportive- but you wouldn't understand, so why waste my breath trying to describe this? Like, it's hard enough to live it, let alone to recount it.

 It's like a prism, you know, and there's so many different facets of it. And that's just so weighty. And even reading- reading material on grief- I actually read a really good book recently on it, called Resilient Grieving. But it was the first book that I resonated with. Cause everybody says, here are the five stages of grief that you have to go through. And you cycle through, over and over, and over, and over again. And it's like, Oh, never ending merry go round, that I never want to get on- ever. You know, um, so this other book was super helpful, and just like some practical ways to grieve.

And it's hard to hold the space to actually carry the weight of grieving, and accept that, and the time to do that. You know, I know- I know my therapist and I have talked about that too, that- like, sometimes when you just need to fall apart, you can't actually. You have to hold together for your kids, or for your job, or whatever. And so it's like, okay, push pause button on that. And then like, well, let's- when you get home tonight, then you just fall apart, and let that go. 

I think if we grow properly, then we learn to hold space for grief in a very different way. Overwhelming feelings and negative feelings, like initially- I'm not gonna speak for everybody but, I would be like, you don't want those things. You kind of push them away. And- and then you grow to a stage of like, okay, maybe- maybe they're there. And then, okay, they're here. And I think ultimately you want to move to a stage where they're welcome. Which is like, awful. Um, but they don't go away, you know. So I think that, um, grief slows the process down for that transformation to take place, and for us to really look at ourselves and see, sure, there's what's been done to us, but it- the greater grieving is probably what we've allowed to be done to us. That's what we can control.

On The Healing Journey

 It's funny, you know, as a survivor, when we talk about, you know, our abusers having cycles. I mean, everybody has their cycles, really. And we also go through them, too. You think like, all right, I'm over that part, I got over that, but then a holiday will come up, or a birthday will come up, or a comment will be made, or you know, like in my case, he's still in my life. And so, like, there's still elements of that, very present. And so a comment will be made. I had one this morning. It's like, dang, and it got me, you know, it's like, shoot- okay, so here we go, you know. There's still more work to be done. Whether it's grieving or not, you know, it's like, all right, this is still- this is still very present. I think if I am honest in my best moments, I can look at it as a gift that has shown me the parts of me that needed to go anyways, to be the best me, and to be more pure, and all of that. Um, but I think you still wrestle with like, why did I deserve to have this? Like, I know a lot of people that have a lot of stuff that they need to, like, get rid of, me- me included. But why did I have to have this to be the mirror that showed me?

On Sharing Their Story

 I do know that there was a really big shift, because when I finally got to the point of feeling, I wouldn't say comfortable- but like, okay, and not so heavy with shame, to say, like, I was an abusive relationship. I used to say, 'But it wasn't physical abuse', as in, apparently I was justifying, like, it wasn't as bad, but you're right- so it's like, it's emotional and it's verbal. And so that's shifted. What we know statistically, is that the emotional aspect can be a lot harder to unpack over time. And so I didn't want to downplay the fact of my- my experience, and I was doing that. And for whatever reason, society also downplays it, naturally anyways. And so I was then enabling that and contributing. So- so that was a big change that I- that I made. I think that that's where true healing started. In fact, I just got emotional thinking about that. So, I mean, I think you go through a denial phase, and then you have like a self acceptance phase, and- and maybe people bring other people along the journey with them there. There was a lot of dismissing that I did before I finally realized it myself.

On Support

 I've had two friends who probably could recount more of my life than I can at this point, that were just steady. And one of them is in another country, and the other one is across the continent. And I think that just speaks to the power of like, friendship and communication, that it's not about who's your neighbor, or who do you have, you know, physical time with. And they were just always there. And so the interesting piece is, I could hide anything from them, could hide anything. I didn't have to tell them what was going on. But when I was honest with myself, to honor the friendship, I also wanted to share what was going on. And so it was like a slow leak, you know, just to kind of test the waters.

Um, And they were as great as any friends could ever be- like loving, supportive, wanting me to be happy. And also calling it like it was. Like, I don't think they could have had it a more perfect blend. And I really appreciate that because I think that there are some friends, in all of our lives, that would just be like, you know, one way or the other, totally hate on the person or, you know, totally dismiss or whatever. But they were just, they were everything. And they were safe.

So that is, I think, a big piece. When you start to share with someone, like you have to pick someone who's safe. Otherwise you're going to close up, and you're not going to share with anyone like, that disenfranchised grief aspect. If people dismiss your experience, then you'll stop sharing. But it was at that point that then, when those people could start to mirror back these- these experiences to me, like, 'What I heard you say was...', 'It sounds to me like...', and they were recounting that, I was like, Oh my goodness.

You know, we're- we're living our own lives, and we're not catching up on the patterns, but then they could reflect the patterns back to me. Yeah. So I think that you- you'd have a hard time getting out of any relationship or situation by yourself- completely by yourself. And I would say I'm a fairly, like, fierce, independent person. But once you're- once you're in that kind of situation, you don't easily get out by yourself.

On Tools

 I've gotten better at calling people in those moments, to be honest with you. And, like, telling them, I'm not in a good space right now, and I'm really struggling, and that's what I'm struggling with. Because I know that like, they're not. And so, they're going to deliver, every single time and remind me of who I am, on my better days.

I am a woman of faith. And so when- when I'm with my game and I can talk to myself during self doubt, I just really anchor back into this idea, like, I don't think anything happens without God's plan. And that's hard to swallow sometimes, and like actually live by, because you just want to be like, well, I don't deserve that. Or, why- why me? And how many times has someone felt that or thought that. But I wouldn't want to be who I was a few years ago. And so maybe, in the grander scheme of life, it's like a gift. Like I was chosen- I was chosen for this. And I guess I get empowered by thinking about being an example. It's hard to think about that when it's like- when you feel like you're surviving, but then, there have been enough times when someone has said something like, man, you're- you're just doing great, just keep going.

You're just doing a great. And you're like, really? So I think that is- like, be an example, because people- like, people are watching. My kids are watching. You know, other- other women going through relationships that maybe they shouldn't be in. I have a friend right now. So, it's like, just, like, you do the right thing, and then she'll see that, like, doesn't always feel good. 

On The Story of Domestic Violence

 I left my partner when my daughter was 14 months. And, um, I remember thinking- I also have an older daughter, and I remember thinking like, I had become a shell of myself. And, I could have sucked it up for 18 years. Totally. And I absolutely understand why people do. And I will never judge anyone again. Like I remember, prior in my life, like, why would they stay?- Oh, I know why. I know exactly why.

Um, but I remember thinking, the only thing worse than this, is knowing that my two little babes are going to grow up, and think that this is normal. And that, they will then repeat this. Statistically, they will. And I couldn't stomach that. But to like, experience being a nursing mom, and like, away from your kid and just the- the awfulness of the threats, and the- you know, not get your kid back, and not see them again, and all the nonsense.

I just remember like, just awful- like awful feelings. In many ways it was mostly around the baby. And of course, I'm sure it was me too, but whatever, you know. It's just- just thinking like, that is my baby. I should not ever have to be apart from her. And this is ridiculous. I remember thinking, and saying out loud to people, no mother should ever have to choose between their happiness and their kid. Ever.

So I say that, because it was- was- is awful. But, it's the better thing. Like, and there's no question in my mind. But man, like, to tell you just hundreds of days of grueling. Telling myself like, you are doing the right thing, you are. You are. Like, she can- she can get out of this in her life if you make this choice. But that's hard.

So my girls are a few years older now. And, um. But all of this doesn't go away. It just changes what they have to deal with. And, any survivor who has kids, and- and there's the transfer of kids back and forth; I always talk about like, there's a recalibration period. It's brutal every time. And you feel like you've just- like you- you're losing ground with your kids every- every exchange.

I mean, I have- I have it like, mapped out on my calendar, like, just remember, it's like recalibration day, and so that I'm well rested, and ready for it. That it doesn't surprise me- that I'm extra patient and kind and all of that stuff. And I think just remembering, like, for anyone who has kids, it's- they are going through their own experience, and it's constantly changing too. So we're not only managing ourselves, but we're helping our kids manage their experience as well. And that's exhausting. That's exhausting.

On Secondary Survivors

 There's so much tending to yourself that happens. But there's a lot of shrapnel in these relationships that hit so many other peripheral people, you know. Whether it's your kids or, yeah, there's just, there's a lot of different varieties of abuse. And so, I think holding space for all- everybody to get tended to, is really important. And it's hard when yours might seem the most acute to be tended to, but everybody's- everybody's got to heal, um. And having grace and patience for that, I think is really important. When I'm talking with my kids, we talk about sideways emotions, right? We're catching everybody's- you know, they didn't deal with this thing straight on and deal with it, and so you're getting their irritation, over here. And, I just try to like, teach my kids, it's our responsibility not to do that to other people. You can't control other people. That sucks. But actually- that's been an interesting journey too.

The thing that you get away from, with an abuser, is that they're trying to be controlling. And, interestingly, when we want justice, we want control over them, and an outcome. And, like, God help us to be not like them, though, you know? I think that's one thing that I've been really, really sad about and- and hard to hold space for. But when you- when you have compassion for your abuser, you don't justify what they're doing, but you feel so sad that this is who they are. And- and it took me a long time to come to, 'and they're not going to change'- took me a really long time to get to that point. Maybe it does for everybody. And I think what- what a beautiful trait, that we just hold out hope for people. They didn't get what they needed somewhere along the way, you know? And they didn't have healing techniques or- you know, like they just didn't get it. And that makes me so sad. And they're not allowed to treat people the way that they do.

On Support

 I think when I realized I needed to get out- and I knew that no one in my community could provide any answers. No one had been through this scenario. I mean, it's just- no one. And I called Willow's hotline. It was just an awesome redemption. I had no idea. And that person was so helpful. Just talking about the initial, like the very initial, when you go to leave or, you know, keeping yourself safe prior to needing to leave or- and I hadn't thought about that.

I'm sure some people are like, Wow, how can you not think about that? Well, my- my situation, you know, because it was more emotional and verbal abuse, I hadn't thought about what physically could happen to me. Cause it hadn't shown up on the scene yet. So, it was really helpful. And just to know that someone- whether they had experienced it themselves and were now on the phone helping me, or they just talked to people that had experienced what I was experiencing, like there was an education there. It felt like I wasn't alone.

Okay, great. You know something that I don't know- I can't even help myself. Which is scary when you can't help yourself. But to know that there is a very specific resource, locally, to reach out to. And then I called several more times- so then, you know, then- I probably called once or twice before I actually moved out. And then once I moved out, I- I called a handful more times, because I was just emotionally just swirling and needed some grounding. And they were amazing, like absolutely amazing.

Because at that point I hadn't, I mean, sure, my quote unquote friends like, they knew, but they didn't understand the depth of everything. And um, and I was wise enough to know, Why are you going to call people that can't help you? I mean, sure, sure, you can call them, and you can bellyache to them. And I don't want to downplay like, it's not just bellyaching, it's like grief, right? And you're just- you're absolutely in a state of not knowing, but they weren't going to be helpful.

And I had like fractional bandwidth to reach out to anyone to facilitate anything for myself and my kids. And, sort of knowing I could reach out to someone that like, knew, this is what they deal with, was so comforting. And then I remember times being on a call and like wanting- just tell me what to do. Nope. You know, like, no, that's not how they operate, and that- that's hard though. Like, when you're floundering, and you just want to be told what to do, and you're- you're so programmed to be told to think this way, or do this way. And this is all these things, um, maybe from that specific relationship, or maybe it goes back, you know, decades of, you know, devalued ideas, and thoughts, and words, and all that stuff. And- but even in that, there is a retraining that's going on, of like, You can figure this out like, you've got the principles. And then, they said, 'You probably could benefit from some counseling'. I said, 'Yes, I could'. I do not have a stigma about that- give me- give me that help. Give me that- they're pissed in any kind of counseling, um.

And it was, you know, I remember when we started, it was okay, let's- we're just going to spend some time on the education of what's going on. Uh, it was- it- the education was really helpful, because until that point, it wasn't like I had read any books on it. I was just like, drowning. And so, education about what was happening, and why it was happening, and repeated behaviors, and patterns. And, you know, for someone to say, These are tactics. And like, that word was super helpful for me to understand. It started to create a separation between my personal experience, and like, just habits of abusers. Which created enough like, emotional space between me and the person that I left, that I could start to sort through my own thoughts. I mean, fractionally we're talking, this wasn't like a ton, but it was- it was exactly when I needed in the moment

Words of Care

 You know when it's time to go, you just need to get the heck out of Dodge. And I think like, as a woman, you're thinking about the logistics- and, where am I gonna go? And, how am I gonna pay for things? And, I mean first of all, I think everybody's circumstances are different, um, but there are resources available. I think it's really important to tap into those. I remember when, I was thinking, I think I'm going to have to leave, that- I just, like, reached out to people. Do you have a place for me to come, if I need to just call and say, I'm going to be there in 15 minutes? And I was blessed to have someone. I think more people could have someone within their network of, you know, family, friends, church, work. I mean, someone is there. And you don't have to have the long term plan ironed out. But yeah, just taking it one step at a time was really important. And getting some backup plans is really important, because you're going to need plan B all the time.

Words to Self

 What comes up for me is, you're more than this. Like, you're made for more. And when your mind is mangled because of someone else's words and choices, you can't- you don't think that very clearly. It's really hard. Because you have become whatever they told you you were. Or, whatever they wanted you to be. But yeah, if I could be my now self, standing next to my old self, I would just probably encourage myself that like, the best is yet to come. Because you can't see that at all- at all. And you're worthy. I think the idea of worth is really important too.

And the words, 'keep going'. Someone, over the last few years, they had no idea what was going on in my life- I don't even remember why they wrote this on this 3x5 card to me, but it said, 'Keep going'. It's like, that's awesome. Actually great, thanks- that'll just be my new mantra. Because, yeah. Sometimes, it can't be so aspirational about like, the best is yet to come. Cause you're just like, yeah, right, um. I keep going. And, I just think like, I'm loved, even if I'm not loved by this person, or loved in the right way by this person like, there are other people that love me. I'm loved.

On Affirmations

 My affirmations have changed over time. And so, I think that I could bust out my phone here, and show you my whole list of affirmations. But I think the word, you know, I want- I choose to- whatever the verb is there, is so critical. And it has to be- it's not I am. Cause it's like, No, I- I'm not that right now. Like, let's be real. I'm not that right now. But I believe I can be. Or, you know, it's my desire to be. And I think that- that puts you in a real place of power, when that verb is accurate in an affirmation statement. 

On Reclaiming

 Yeah. Um, yeah. So reclaiming my voice. Then realizing that that wasn't just fallout from that relationship. That that was baked in from when I was young. So, you know, undoing a lot of that. But yeah, my voice, um. I had a cool experience when I was at Starbucks. This is going back a few months, but I was sitting there, and I had- I was working with my laptop and solidly like, looking like I was working. And this gentleman came in and sat down kind of near me at a different chair, and started talking, and. So, I chit- chatted for a few minutes, and I could tell he would have talked for much longer. And I just said, it's been really nice talking with you, I hope you have a really great day, I'm gonna get back to my work now. And like, I put my head down, I was like, yes! That was amazing! Like, that was not hard. It was like, Hi! I respected you, and I respected me. Great. And here are my boundaries. And so that felt really good. And like, that would have never taken place in a former me version. I would have just felt badly and listened the whole time and all of that. So that felt really good.

I think on the discovery side of things, when you go through these processes, it's changes. I don't think it changes who you are, although it does change that. It just reveals the better parts of you, if you want that to happen. And so, I'm more well rounded now. Like where before it's like, I'm just going to charge through a brick wall and just, I don't feel anything. And now I like, feel things, which is annoying to be honest. [laughs] But, um- but I'm grateful to be more well rounded. So I think it like- moments are full of beauty now, where they were not full of beauty before, I was just going so fast. To who knows where, I'm not sure, but I was on a mission. And, so it's nice to slow down. And so, I think that that has been one piece that has been brought back- soaking in the moments. 

From Where I Speak

 I speak as someone who is a recovering perfectionist. I speak as someone who is loving. I speak as someone who is a CEO. I speak as someone who is forgiving. I speak as someone who is stubborn. I speak as someone who is fierce and determined. I speak as someone who is hopeful. I speak as someone who is caring. I speak as someone with integrity. 

Words of Care

Something I would tell someone who is healing from abuse is that you didn't deserve that. And, you didn't bring it on yourself. And it's not your fault. And you can heal. And you'll never be who you were before. And you wouldn't want to be. But if you choose to be, you can be better than you've ever been.