On Survivor Identity

I think the word survivor means adapting. And overcoming something that has taken you down. And for me, experiencing domestic violence, I knew it wasn't going to kick my ass, it wasn't going to take me down. And I was determined to come out on top of it. Not just okay. But, better. And, that is what being a survivor means to me.

And one of the reasons I wanted to participate in this project was because that opening of the dialogue, bringing it out into public space, reaching out and helping other women, is how I wanted to continue to manifest my own healing and that idea of being a survivor. So it's very powerful, because it's not a victim hood. I think that's important to distinguish. I'm a fighter. I'm a strong woman. And, I will always not just come out of something okay, or on-top, but to help face the same, and do it from my experience. If I can lend that hand, if I can help another human, even just one, I will.

On Sharing Their Story

Needing to talk about it! This has been so prevalent in my life. It doesn't define me, but it has defined my experience over the last year and a half. And, finally, it's not the first thing I talk about, you know. Finally, it's not the first thing I need to tell people. Um, so that's good. But, I do feel obligated to share my story. I do feel obligated to make a difference in this. I don't know if it's just this- this- something. Because what I've been through, can't be for nothing. Like, it can't be. I'm not going to let it be.

On The Healing Journey

 Healing is definitely not linear, I- I can say that for sure. I've been suffering from PTSD since this incident, and that is unpredictable as well. So I can be having a really great run of days and weeks and um, and then dreams might start, you know, or things that I don't feel I have control over. It's that's subconscious at play- panic attacks, uh, just random reminders come up, Facebook or texts from the- you know, emails- things that just trigger.

Sometimes I just don't- I'm not prepared for those coming up, and they do reset, or restart, that emotional process again for me. And, it's not linear. I know it's a couple- you know, it's not even forward and back. And I mean, it's so wacky the way it works. So, I take it as it comes.

On Disenfranchised Grief

sighs] Yeah. It was a rough go for me because, I was very surprised by a lot of the reaction from my community. First, I didn't share this experience with my family, because I was afraid of what would happen. All I could say, or all I chose to say was, 'We split up, he moved out'. So I was very isolated, in that sense. I had, some of the men in my life, 'Why? Why are you pressing charges? He's not bothering you. Why do you need a restraining order? He's not coming around. Why are you being so vindictive? You're gonna ruin his life with this', kinds of responses. One actually screamed in my face, and told me I was being malicious in pursuing charges against this person.

 So... And I was sent some wonderful people, and a tribe to help me cope. So I went with it, and accepted what came. And- and I'm not shy, and I'm not, you know, I- I will take what's offered. So, I lean in, and embrace the help that comes. And that's what I did. I, uh, I had to move forward.

On Support

I did have two great friends who stood by my side but, couldn't relate- didn't- hadn't been through it, and didn't know what to do for me. So, one of my solutions was reaching out online. And I found support groups, and I found Facebook groups. And I found people who were in my space, and in my frame of mind, and had been through it, or were going through it. And, offered strength, and offered support, and- and could say, you know, 'This is how this feels', and- and- and, identify with me, and it was so helpful to me. It was- it was magic almost, to find those people virtually.

On Grief

Grief is hard because I suffer from depression, and I went into a very dark depression episode after this. And I'm still in grief. I'm still dealing with grief. Grief does evolve and- and ebb and flow. I did six months of cognitive processing therapy, and that was fantastic. One of the tools I learned there is that feelings love themselves. My therapist taught me that little, uh, -ism. And I- I need to grieve. I need to feel the pain. I need to feel all of that, but I can't stay there. And so, slowly and surely I had to rejoin life.

And I really was slow about it. I mean, she said, 'Oh, you're gonna, you pick five things to do this week that make you feel good', I laughed at her. I said, 'I'll do one', I said. [laughs] You know, it was slow. And I eventually, I did work my way up to multiple things a week that, you know, make me feel happy, and joyful and- and, you know, edified, and all of that, but yeah. I only have five things this week where I can barely open my eyes and breathe, you know, but, uh, but yes. Just getting some joy- latching on to anything that made me feel alive. And then, once you start to feel alive again, you want to feel a little more alive. And fostering that feeling was very, um, was very helpful to- to stepping back into life from that depression and grief.

On Support

I knew enough that I needed professional help. And so, getting myself in- connected with, um, here in Rochester locally, it's Genesee Valley, um, Institute of Psychology, and they were phenomenal in helping me, uh, with the cognitive processing therapy. When it was time to transition out, after I completed the cognitive processing therapy, I wanted to focus more on somatic work. And, um, found a fantastic, uh, independent therapist who does art therapy, um, somatic work, and she's a yoga teacher, you know. Different kinds of avenues and options to explore, uh, instead of just traditional, lay- on- the- couch therapy. I- I think there is much more available to- to people in this field now, um, uh, and I think you can really find what you, what suits you.

On The Story of Domestic Violence

I think one of the things I would like to share is that my story may be a little bit different. Again, I- like you said, there's so many differences in our stories. The relationship I was in, was a fairy tale. And, I knew this person my whole life, since I was 13 years old. You know, his family- we went through high school together, I was on the cheerleading squad, he was football player, basketball player. The timing was never right. But he had a crush on me, I had a crush on him. And, we went to MCC and never crossed paths. I left my number in his yearbook. He picked up the phone once to call me and chickened out. And we both married other people, went our separate ways in life, moved to different states. And, um, reconnected after we'd both been married and divorced twice, and we're 49 years old. And I thought he was everything.

We- we met up right before COVID. We were together for three years, and I was blissed-out happy with this person. When we said we were together three years, we would always laugh and say, 'But they're COVID years', you know. Because, where he was furloughed, I was on leave of absence, we were both, you know, home all the time together. It was just fun and games and- and, you know, honeymoon time. And, we were playing house, we were living together. It was outstanding. And he was like- he thought I was like, a hot little cheerleader still, uh, you know. I thought he was my dream man, and we were in love. But the thing is, he was the kindest, sweetest, most caring, wonderful person. He would give me forehead kisses. He would hand me my glasses when I was squinting. He would look after me, and I trusted him completely, and felt safe with him.

So when he turned on me and assaulted me, it's the only time. It only happened once. I was not in a long, terrible, brutal- I was happy. And when the person you trust, suddenly hurts you, on purpose, in your relationship that you've been blissed-out happy, and felt like you've waited your whole life for- you know, really. This boy, this dream boy, this- this man that was everything to you, uh, comes at you, to hurt you- it shook me so hard. Because I trusted him like that. And that was it, it was so quick. It was so quick. And it was- and then he put his hands on me twice more, grabbing me by the neck, or by the collar. He made a distinction on that- he didn't grab my neck, he grabbed my shirt collar- but he left bruises in my neck, because his knuckles were against my neck. And there was no remorse, at all. Did not then say, the next day, or in a text, or when he came, 'Are you okay?' 'I'm sorry'. 'I shouldn't have done that'. 'I didn't mean to do that'. Nothing. No remorse.

And I'm not okay. I'm still not okay. Like, my back is screwed up. I don't walk right. He's strong. And he's bigger than me. And he did it on purpose. Like, intentionally hurt me. And that's what I couldn't get over. I couldn't get past that. And there's still grief about that, obviously. So I think that's what I wanted to share about my story, is that it was simply one time that it happened. And that destroyed me emotionally.

On The Legal System

 One of the things I found in these groups that I found online, and even in talking to other women in person, is just, the horrific nature of domestic abuse is this inability to prosecute these people. This inability to stop them. And, cops saying to women, 'Don't bother, don't bother. Nothing's going to happen. You don't want to press charges', you know. And one of the things that happened with me, is that the responding officer, um, didn't write up the assault. And when I questioned him about it, he said, oh, well, he was getting his phone back. And I- you know, I was in shock, and I was very much deferring to his authority as a police officer, as to what is appropriate to put in a police report.

And I went, 'Oh, okay, he was getting his phone back- so I guess he had the right to assault me'. [scoffs] And I, you know, accepted his answer, and took the report, and then- after my injuries set in, and after I did some research on the events, and the actions, and said, 'I was assaulted, that's a crime, and I want him to come back here and amend this report', it was very disappointing. Because, he noted in his report that my demeanor was calm, I mean, yeah, I even made a few jokes. I was in shock! That's a trauma response, you know. Like, I had visible bruises. And I did file charges- and you know, the ADA reduced them down, gave him a slap on the wrist, and I got a restraining order from the criminal court.

 I didn't press charges against my ex because I thought he'd go to jail, but I pressed charges against him to create a paper trail. Because his ex- wife accused him of abuse. But, never pressed charges. And had she done it, my case might've gone differently. So, I did it- for the next one. And I did it, because the only way to stop these people is with a paper trail.

On Support

And others seeking help, I went through Legal Aid and got a court appointed attorney for helping me with the, um, family court stuff. And, I wasn't going to, but then when I called the court to ask a question, they were like, 'Do you have an attorney?', and I said, 'No', and I said, 'Why would I need an attorney?' And she said, 'Anytime you appear in court, you need it. You should have an attorney'. She said, 'You should call Legal Aid'. And so I did, and, um, yeah. They were- they were super- they were super.

On Reclaiming

 Still struggling with my sexuality. I don't feel very sexual. Because for me, I need to really trust somebody, to be sexual. And- if I don't trust somebody, I can't relax, and enjoy myself sexually. And, I think, there are trust issues. Not so much that I won't open up, and trust somebody ever- it's simply that I don't really see anybody worth trusting, at this point. [laughs] I'm picky.

So, I'm just being cautious, but- you know, and it's not a problem, but, um, that is a part of myself that- that would be nice to reclaim.

On Tools

When I get anxiety, or when I would feel overwhelmed, I put together a little sensory pack. Something soft and silky, that I can touch. A jar of lavender oil. And, a photo of my daughter and my dog. You know, just think: a visual, a scent and a- and a sensual thing, so that- things that I can start to calm my nervous system with.

Um, but yeah, just- just anything that can get you- get me focused back into my body, and out of my head, I think is what the key is. So, music and dancing, or just grooving to, you know- a little R&B or some blues, was- was always the best, you know, way to get me out of the funk.

From Where I Speak

Um, I speak as someone who is inspired by my daughter. Um, she is the bravest, smartest young woman I know. When I think about what I want to be like when I grow up- I want to be like my daughter. She has always stood up for people who can't stand up for themselves. She is kind. She is thoughtful. She is eloquent. And, she doesn't let anybody get pushed around, ever.

So, when I speak about this experience, I speak as someone who wants to be brave and stand up for others. And I want what happened to me, to be meaningful in that, it makes- I make a difference in stopping, or changing, or helping, or influencing, or impacting this culture of violence against women. This culture of perpetuating- hushing women, and keeping them from pressing charges. This culture of women staying in abusive relationships, because they don't know how to get out. I know I need to make some kind of difference here. And sharing my story, being vocal, is how I'm going to do that. And this is one piece of it for me- meeting other women, hearing their stories, it breaks my heart. But I feel like an open heart is, you know, more able to give love.

Words of Care

 I would say it's not- wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve it. And, there is so much joy in life, and you're worth it. You are worth the joy. You just gotta hang in there.